I don't feel like a good person

[Whattodonut]

Im so angry with everyone. I'm so constantly on an edge where I could go either way in a flash. I feel like I'm walking a fence and could fall at any time. I can barely breathe im so tense. I feel wound up. My body feels tight, tense, like everything every muscle is constricted. My neck my jaw. It hurts.
And i fall off the fence to angry all the time
I'm not a nice person to be around. I critisise. I blame.
And I'm so unhappy. I'm rarely happy. I have flashes where Dds joy makes me happy but I look at Dh and see how he despises me. And I don't feel like I have anyone else to talk to. And i burden DH too much And to be honest, he doesnt really care any more that I'm miserable because i make him so miserable.
I don't know how to stop. I want to be a good person a nice person again. But i really just want to not be for a bit. To not exist. To sleep for 14 days and not do anything. Not even wake to eat.
I'm failing. I'm failing at everything. I don't know what to do. I swear thats why Dd is acting out so much. Shes seeing me and reflecting that.
I need to be better. But I don't know how to do it. I'm just lashing out (not physically) all the time. I don't have the energy to do things.

You sound extremely depressed

Have you considered accessing therapeutic support?

Sounds like a trip to the GP is in order OP 💐

I feel similar to you op. I don’t know the answer I’m afraid but I’m sick of feeling like this.

Please go and see your doctor. You don't need to live your whole life feeling like this.

I feel the same. I don't feel depressed, but tired and stressed. Feel like I've got too much on. I can't sleep and I'm constantly angry. I'm sick of being a miserable cow. I'm wondering if it's perimenpause.

Try and write down how you feel.

Thanks for the replies. It helps to know I'm not the only one.
I spoke to GP before on the phone and they sent me to a phone hotline for counselling. The appointment was going to be on the phone, and 4 months after I called the GP.
I don't feel like this is something I need to talk through on the phone.

I don't know if I'm depressed. I function fine. I work. I laugh at jokes. No one else could tell I'm angry because i keep it in check at work and with others, though it might be simmering under the surface.

Maybe I am perimenopausal. I'm exactly as *northernlass says. Angry and short fused. And its affecting my relationships.

Get your thyroid checked?

Sometimes you have to pester the medic profession to get help sad but it does happen. You need to see someone face to face. I'm not happy with this medicine over the phone business for cases like yours.

Anyway hope you do get the attention you need and get better:)

You need a break. Do you get some time to yourself to do something you enjoy?

I do feel like time to myself feels selfish. Which i know is ridiculous. But there is so much to be done. And when I do get 20mins I just veg and do nothing. I have no get up and go. Except for DD. Because she deserves that.

I just googled underactive thyroid. And I appear to have all the symptoms on the NHS website. Ill go back to the doctors.
I know if its depression treatment they will just say back to this referral line and it will be the same process again
Thanks again for the comments. I really needed to share that with someone. Thank you!

You are NOT a bad person. Sometimes it feels like it, and in my experience this is what depression feels like, I see you’re going to the dr, I wish you luck with that, but please realise you aren’t awful, you’re just doing your best xx

But I am short. And critical. And kind of mean sometimes

You sound like you have many of the symptoms I had shortly before I was diagnosed with pnd and a thyroid problem to boot. Don't let the doctors fob you off. Anti depressants have made me a much nicer person and a much better mum too.

Thanks everyone- just an update to say Dr is sending me for some blood tests- thyroid, diabetes and iron (and maybe some others, he said). So at least I will have an answer as to whether its something medical.
And if its isn't I guess I'll have to pay for some couselling. Maybe I can ask for that as a Christmas present!

Can you try medication too? I had PND and while the meds didn't solve the problem they did stop the merry-go-round of horrible thoughts which gave me the strength to make the changes I needed to make. I was only on a low dose so wasn't a zombie.
You need to be kind to yourself, prioritise your sleep, try to eat well, do some exercise even just a walk round the block and spend some time truly relaxing. It's not selfish, you can't look after others if you don't look after yourself.
When you start being nasty to yourself try and think if a friend or your daughter said similar about themselves would you be kind or nasty? We are never as critical about others as we are about ourselves. I can promise you, you don't deserve it and you are not a bad person.
Please get some help before you have a meltdown.