AIBU to not know how to help her?

[notsorighteousthesedays]

Husband, out of the blue, left the family home 3 weeks ago to move in with new partner about 50 miles away leaving me with DDs and sundry pets. As is often the case a whole tissue of lies has now come to light - he's been on dating sites for years, lied about going to see family etc etc so I am angry and humiliated. Out marriage hasn't been good for a number of years but he always refused to talk about that just as he always avoided any other difficult discussion!
Now to the problem - he keeps messaging the 16 year old saying he loves he and misses her and wants to see her and spend time with her but it doesn't actually happen. I try and say to her she can love him but also know that he is behaving badly. She wants everything to be ok and thinks he is doing his best. Friday night he was all over - shall we meet, meet for coffee, meet for a meal etc etc. He was to pick her up from her friends. In the end he picked her up and dropped her off at home (5 mile journey) with a tube of Smarties for her and her siblings!! She thinks she is somehow doing something wrong and I can see her self-esteem crumbling. How can I help? She says she doesn't want to talk about it so I don't want to push but she is angry with herself and to an extent also with her sisters who have had enough of lies and empty promises and don't want to see him at the moment. It is awful to see her suffer.

At 16 she is old enough for you to have a heart-to-heart with her. You don't have to tell her every awful detail about him, but you can certainly explain that he is untrustworthy , and that she shouldn't believe everything he says to her.

I assume that she knows he has already moved in with the OW - this should give her a pretty good idea that he is moving away from his family. You can't sugar-coat this , it has happened and your girls will have to come to terms with the "new normal".

You can't blame the other DDs for not wanting to see him at the moment. He has been a shit to everyone . If DD16 wants to see him, you might have to let her live through this in her own way. 16 is a vulnerable age and she has my sympathies . Can you find a counselor for her through school ? Sometimes a third party can help where parents can't.

You poor thing sounds difficult. She says she doesn't want to talk, would she perhaps chat to a counsellor or someone else who is less involved?

I'm afraid I agree with the above. She's sixteen and you need to tell her that perhaps by trying to protect her feelings, you've not given her the full picture. She might feel more secure if she knows the truth about the decisions her dad is making. If he's choosing to be a twat, it's on him - and nothing to do with her. She's got you to back her up.

You could explain that he wasn't a good husband but that you'd assumed he was a good father. Tell her you're not excusing his crap behaviour but that he is obviously very mixed up at the moment. Sounds like you're doing your best OP

Justilu I take your point but I think she's got enough to deal with without me adding any sordid details - that would be like kicking a puppy!
Counseling is an option for the future - she is mortified at the moment and would certainly not want school authorities commenting until she has had time to process it - it's her GCSE year too so there's already plenty of pressure on.
I just want him to stop raising her hopes and then letting her down it's so cruel.

Understood...... tough call though!