AIBU to not know how to be kind?

[Bouncebacker]

I was in a charity shop and a Mum I know vaguely from school (friends on Facebook, chat at the gate about school stuff but don’t know her properly at all) came in and I heard her asking for a particular book that I know her child’s year group are studying. I then saw her later in the morning in a different charity shop still looking for the same book so I think she really needs it, and needs it to be in the charity shops.

Whilst we aren’t ‘loaded’ I have a budget so that that if my child needs a book for school - or even just wants a specific book - I don’t need to think about just ordering it (same goes for clothes, theatre tickets, after school clubs etc).

I buy most books from charity shops so tend to buy speculatively - always have a good selection to choose from, and we go to the library but if we want / need new books I do just buy them.

I know where this mum lives and I know she is a single parent, I grew up in a similar environment so I am really just judging and drawing conclusions but I don’t think she can afford the book. Is there anyway I can buy it for her new and not look massively patronising?

I think the answer is no, we just don’t talk enough (once every few weeks at most) - I think if I had the book already and it was obviously second hand, or I can find it in a charity shop and pretend we already had it that would be one thing but just buying a brand new book for a child I barely know feels odd.

I just feel bad that this child may not get this book and I could easily buy it.... anything I can do?

Maybe she just doesn't wanna buy a brand new book? Could you not see if a library stocks it instead?

She might not take you buying it for her as well as you'd think.

I know she wouldn’t- that’s why I’m asking for help!

I think it’s a lovely thought but you’re right - it could be patronising. She might be getting it for someone else or she might object to new books for environmental reasons or any other reason that isn’t necessarily to do with money.

Are you friends on facebook? If so you could do a post saying you’ve somehow ended up with 2 and does someone want to buy one from you half price. But obviously you couldn’t guarantee she would be the one to snap it up.

It’s a kind thought but not sure there is a clear solution!

Could you buy it and post in through her letterbox anonymously?

I'd probably message her and say I have a spare copy, didn't mention it at time because wanted to double check but would she like it?

Tell her you had two?

A message with you saying you thought have two but wanted to check is kindest I think. I’d be freaked out by anonymous gift

It's a nice thought. Don't be put off. Tell her you ordered one and they sent two - you know she's looking for one so would she like it? Then she can say yes or no.

Yeah, Birdie put it more eloquently!

I work in a charity shop so I see the dilemma, I think I would buy it,then pass it on to her saying something like ‘a brand new copy of tha book came in just after you were looking for one’ & offer to sell it to her at the usual charity shop price.

A bit off topic but it is genuinely amazing how many things do come into charity shops just after they have been asked for. Someone wanted a back scratcher this week, I said that I hardly ever saw them In my shop but one did come in the next day .

I agree that it might be for environmental reasons. I'm really trying to cut down on buying brand new stuff if it's only going to be used for a short period of time.

Could you buy it and post in through her letterbox anonymously?

Please don't do this, my anxiety would go into overdrive if I received a random book through the letterbox with no name for the sender

@BirdieInTheHand that's the best thing to do. Maybe say you ordered it online and they sent you two by mistake (this sort of thing does actually happen with the book people occasionally!)

Say you ordered it online after she was talking about it (I meant to add this above)

It is a very kind thought though.

Maybe look on Amazon/eBay or suggest she does, they'll probably have someone selling the book second hand.

Abebooks will have it secondhand (and often with free postage).

Here's what I'd do

Buy the book
Tell the mother in a couple of days that a copy has come in to the shop, and ask if she's still interested. If she is, tell her it's in very good condition, and you could put it by for her in the shop (assuming you actually do this in your shop) or you could bring it to her on the school run (tell her cost, based on you right shops normal pricing)

If she's having the book, then you get to work aging up the copy you have. Flick through it several times, dog ear the corners a bit etc. Not too much, just enough that it looks as if it's be open all the way through a few times.

I'd send a message saying you heard her looking for that book, and you know your cousin definitely has it and your going to see her next weekend and she has said you are welcome to it as she was going to send it to charity shop anyway.
Then I'd order it (second hand) on Amazon and give it to her after you have been to see your 'cousin'.
Complex but a winner.

Are you sure that she actually can't afford it or might you be reading too much into this? When buying schools or university books, I have always checked if I can get them second hand first. It has to do with not wanting to spend money on something I must buy rather than want to buy, and also school books are often available second hand at good prices as other people don't actually want to have them permanently in their book collection either. It doesn´t have anything to do with not having any money to buy them with myself.

Hi friend. I heard you asking for Book the other day and thought I might have a copy. I've checked and I do. Do you want it? It hasn't even been used, granny bought it for child and she didn't need it / already had a copy.