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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas plans

26 replies

Scrabblingforsanity · 09/12/2018 08:47

So me and DH are having the most stinking of arguments and 24hrs later I’m no longer convinced that I’m as right as I thought I was Hmm

Background is that we have been together for 4 years, I have 3 children and we alternate Christmas with their dad (very good terms) he has 2 children who are 19 and 17.

The 19 year old lives with us full time, the 17 year old lives with her mum.

For clarity I have not had any contact with the 17 year old since we got together, she has always refused to have any type of contact with me (the reason the older child lives with us is because he does have contact with me, therefore he is not welcome in her mums house).

For clarity I was not the OW and divorce proceedings were in place before we got together.

So every Christmas DH goes to his ex wife’s house to open presents and is gone for a couple of hours.

Then on Boxing Day he goes off to his mums with his kids till about 3pm.

This year I’ve said enough is enough - they are adults, one of them lives with us FFS. It’s ridiculous.

His compromise was to suggest that he takes the 17yo to his mums and then drops her home on Boxing Day and picks me up Xmas Angry and it’s then my turn. (Yipee!)

My compromise was to book a lodge in a lovely camp site for me and the dog to go on Christmas afternoon and I will come back on the 28th as my kids come home Grin

He is Absolutley raging. We have had tears and how could you leave me at Christmas (hold on a minute Sherlock, you have done this to me for 4 bloody years!)

And now we are at a standstill, he will not consider anything other than watching his children open their presents (bearing in mind that one child will be waking up there Christmas morning and being drove to his mums to open the presents Hmm but will discuss Boxing Day.

I’ve had absolutely enough of my actions being dictated too my a 17yo who quite frankly only appears to have an issue when she wants something and whilst I was tolerant of the situation when she was younger think that it is now ludicrous.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
knittedjest · 09/12/2018 09:00

If you want to go camping, go. But don't go because you want to be a passive aggressive arse. Your husbands entire world does not revolve around you. Christmas is a day. It doesn't sound like you are particularly religious so choose literally any other day between now and then and make that your exclusive Husband/wife christmas.

Flowerpot2005 · 09/12/2018 09:12

For me, the lodge could be a step too far but I suspect this is because you're totally fed up of sitting at home on your own & doing all the cooking etc etc. I have had very similar Christmases myself & I put my foot down because I'm part of Christmas too. Except I'm the ex wife but on very friendly terms & ex was trotting off with DD for hours then coming here for the rest of the day.

Your DH is clearly going overboard in keeping the peace & the idea of disrupting that has clearly scared the crap out of him. I don't think it unreasonable at all that he has Christmas Day at home with you & his son. DD can be at home with her DM. DH can then get together Boxing Day with his DD.

Original poster
Scrabblingforsanity · 09/12/2018 09:18

in fairness to DH, he does actually cook Christmas dinner when he gets back Confused

OP posts:
Blondielongie · 09/12/2018 09:23

The lodge sounds lush!

Book the lodge and tell him he can come and meet you there after all his driving around :)

ElainaElephant · 09/12/2018 09:26

So you are supposed to wait at home alone with the dog while he does what he damn well pleases?

Nah, you aren't in the wrong. Have the Christmas that you want, he is having the one that he wants.

winterisstillcoming · 09/12/2018 09:34

Tell the 17yearold that every other year she comes to yours to open presents. Your DP should stand by you in that respect.

OwlinaTree · 09/12/2018 09:41

The issue is that this is the normal now, so the 17yo is going to be miffed if he tries to change anything. Your DH wants to see her but it's all on her terms.

I don't blame you for wanting to be considered on Xmas day. Are you cutting your nose off to spite your face with going away on your own though?

Why can't you go to your DH mum's with the son and daughter? If the 17yo doesn't want you there she doesn't have to come. She will have had her way Xmas day, it's your DH turn on boxing Day.

Original poster
Scrabblingforsanity · 09/12/2018 09:55

With regards to the 17yo, she refused to see DH for over 6 months when he tried to ‘make her’ see him at our house. She was 15 at the time. Still managed to text for pocket money obviously Hmm. Anyway it Absolutley petrified him and so now it’s pretty much what she wants or she will refuse to see him again.

I’ve just got visions of him still doing this when they are in their 20’s

OP posts:
Original poster
Scrabblingforsanity · 09/12/2018 11:35

@owlina, I’m going to be on my own anyway aren’t I?
I would rather be on my own in a lovely lodge with a open fire and a ready meal snuggled up after a long winters beach walk than on my own at home probably doing the washing!

OP posts:
LilMy33 · 09/12/2018 11:48

YANBU at all. He’s made his plans, you’ve made yours. He’s really in no position to be dictating what you do with your Christmas when he’s not planning to be there.

YouTheCat · 09/12/2018 11:53

He's unwilling to compromise and expects you to wait around on your own so you've made your own plans and he doesn't like it. He sounds very stressful to be around.

Original poster
Scrabblingforsanity · 09/12/2018 12:04

His argument seems to be that he can’t believe I would begrudge him seeing his children’s faces on Christmas morning.

In my head that works when you are talking toddlers... when it’s 2 adults (or as close as they can be) and they have picked out all of their presents it feels a bit ridiculous.

No movement today sadly. He is apparently devestated that I’m making him choose between his children and me.

I’ve pointed out that I haven’t made him choose, he already chose and so I made alternative plans.

OP posts:
mimibunz · 09/12/2018 12:08

Definitely go to the lodge with the dog. He shouldn’t be angry with you, he should be angry with his brat of a daughter.

ClashCityRocker · 09/12/2018 12:12

Are there any lodges available for that period? I thought they were booked for Christmas ages in advance.

I definitely don't think you are being unreasonable op.

Chocolatecake12 · 09/12/2018 12:15

The compromise should be that the year your ex has the kids your dh stays with you, his children are of course welcome to open their presents with you and spend the day with you. The following year when your dcs are with you your dh can go to his ex’s and watch his adult children open their presents.
So this year, he stays with you. Or you go to the luxury lodge, which sounds wonderful!

GemmeFatale · 09/12/2018 12:17

Nope. You are in the right. He picked first and he didn’t pick you. What he wants is to have his Christmas, his way, with his kids and extended family while you sit at home waiting for him (and doing some housework).

He gets to have the Christmas he wants. You get to pick what I assume is your third choice (assuming first choice being Christmas with your kids and him, second being Christmas with him, third lovely Christmas on your own, trailing fourth option sat at home alone skiving and waiting for his return).

Original poster
Scrabblingforsanity · 09/12/2018 12:17

I’ve found a lodge that is available, it’s only a pokey little thing - log fire, one room etc. Perfect for what I’m after.

OP posts:
WooYa · 09/12/2018 12:22

I'd definitely go for the lodge. I'd rather be on my own in a nice place than at home anyway. As PP said, he's already made his choice by choosing not to be with you on so enjoy yourself

CantWaitToRetire · 09/12/2018 12:25

So how come the 19yo lives with you because they’re unwelcome at their mums, but they’re fine to go to the mums on Christmas Day for the presents opening? That’s a bit double standards of the mum.

EKGEMS · 09/12/2018 12:27

Wow the first two posts are loaded with vitriol! At least they're in the minority. Do the lodge OP

Isadora2007 · 09/12/2018 12:30

I’m confused. Where are your own three kids over Xmas? How can his son stay with you and not be welcome there but goes on Xmas day?

ShowOfHands · 09/12/2018 12:37

I think this sounds like a situation years in the making with a lot of backstory and a discussion this close to Christmas will result in ill feeling and no resolution.

Sounds like the Mum in this situation is extremely manipulative and your DH is afraid of the repercussions. Rightly so if its caused such problems in the past. Things do need to change but this argument wont be the catalyst.

Maybe a thread on relationships with a lot more background and you can make 2019 the year DH tackles it all, with your support.

Original poster
Scrabblingforsanity · 09/12/2018 13:02

It is a very confusing situation, regarding the 19yo...
he was told that if he chose to split his time between his dads house and his mums house that he could/should live with his dad. He refused to choose and then on one weekend when he was with us she converted his bedroom into a office Hmm

Therefore he can now visit but has nowhere to sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scrabblingforsanity · 09/12/2018 13:05

In the 17yo defence, they have seen what their brother has put up with and frankly gets a VERY good deal for being ‘loyal’ (think brand new phones and holidays abroad) whilst the 19yo gets absolutley nothing.

OP posts:
OliviaStabler · 09/12/2018 13:11

Go to the lodge. Sounds amazing rather than sat at home waiting for him to come back from doing 100% of what he wants