How often does your ex see the DCs?

[Husbandless]

Now I'm thinking about those exes who are involved in their dcs lives. How often do they see them? Is it fair to offer two nights a week and EOW? so in one week he could have them for 4 nights?

We don't have an arrangement as he works shifts and his hours are always changing (works in emergency services).

I would say normally he will see them 2-3 times a week. They stay at his around once a month.

I think 2 night a week and EOW seems fair to me if everyone is happy with that.

I think that sounds fair.

My Ex didn't have set days. He would come and go as he pleased. Some times we would see him pretty much everyday other times not for weeks at a time but he never went more than three weeks without showing up somewhere. He only really took DD overnight if there was a specific reason behind it, like a concert or an event. Difference is ex is still one of mine and DH's closest friends and considering he suffers from pretty severe bipolar I always just assumed there were reasons we didn't see him but he could always be trusted to show up when he said he would for events or parents evenings etc. Now DD is in her 30's and they sort their own relationship out and it's much better like that. I don't envy you.

I’d assume a 50/50 starting point. So week about or a 7 day fortnight.

Obviously if children are infants or pre-schoolers or if ex relocates then adjustments are made.

I would like to say that we worked it out together, but as he’s Incredibly lazy, I had to decide and tell him what was going to happen re access arrangements.

I based it on what was the most stable for my DD and most convenient for whoever was going to have to do all the school/nursery runs (me as it turns out). As she’s got older (7 now) I’ve let her have some input.

He collects her from school once a week, sometimes it’s an overnight sometimes not. Then we each have her EOW. In the holidays we’re more flexible but tend generally stick to the same days, e.g. she goes there overnight the same day he picks her up from school.

I wouldn’t make offers based on what’s fair for him, make it about what’s best for the children. This means looking at what the logistics are re school etc, what’s going to help them feel settled (bearing in mind the upheaval they’re having because of the separation). It’s their right to see their dad, not his right to see them.

Also make sure the arrangements don’t mean you facilitating contact - that was one thing I said at the start, stick to the schedule or don’t do it at all. No random swapping, swap things round only if absolutely needs be and with plenty of notice. That’s fair for the kids so they know what’s going to happen every week. There was a kid in my child’s class last year who was constantly upset because she didn’t know where she would be sleeping that night, because the parents never stuck to the elaborate and ridiculous access schedule they had agreed.

Put the children first rather than "fairness", separated parents who can coparent amicably and share their children's milestones etc have better outcomes for their kids normally. Please don't end up like us when we can't invite both dh's dm and df to the same event- wedding included!

We have my stepchild every other weekend fri-mon plus 1 or 2 nights in the week and extra in school holidays ( no set amount it depends on who is going away, what helps the other out with childcare etc).

My dh also attends parents evening, workshops, concerts etc outside of those days - I go to the concert/fayre type events too.

He picks up two nights from school, having DC overnight on the first night and for tea on the second. Then we alternate a day at the weekend, so eg this weekend I had DC yesterday and he’s having DC today. Very occasionally he’ll do a weekend overnight but it’s rare.

50/50.