to think that being bullied as a kid doesn't automatically get you a great life as an adult?

[Refreeze]

See 'I was bullied at school and now I'm a CEO living in a mansion and the bullies are working on the tills in my local supermarket and look at least 42 years older than they are' type anecdotes on here every so often and you'll find your tribe/it'll work out for the best/bullies will get what's coming to them type advice.

Kind of makes me wonder if people are thinking that I'm a double failure because I got picked on all through high school and now I have the sort of life (very isolated, working in retail, I'm not beautiful or rich or a graduate...) that's held up by some people as bullies getting what's coming to them.

The girl responsible for the high point of my school career (being chased by a group of older kids who I'd been told were going to kick my head in for no reason other than she'd told them to) has a PhD, adorable baby and lovely house. Thanks social media. So is that the universe telling me that I deserved to be treated like shit by her? Or am I meant to assume she's going through some major misery behind the scenes that cancels out all of the good stuff that she has?

Or maybe it's just all a bit random and there are some decent people working in unskilled, minimum wage jobs.

Blimey, you got issues

Lovingbenidorm - better than being unkind

OP i totally get where you are coming from. Being bullied at school pretty much fucked my life up. It affects condi8at a fundamental level. I actually have a PhD but have never had the confidence to use it

I got bullied as a kid for being a pikey... doesn't really change when you get older either. Ah well.

Nasty, benidorm

OP, lots of people had a hard time going through school, and only a small proportion of us are CEOs living in mansions.

Some people can shake off their pasts, and some people are haunted by it.

But I wouldn't be measuring your life on things like the house you live in or the job you do.

I don't think it matters whether your perpetrator is miserable behind the scenes or not (she might be, not everyone tells the whole truth on social media!).

To me, what matters more about your post is how much power she still has over you.

Stop comparing yourself to this woman.

Look at your own life. Are you happy? Do you enjoy your life? If not, what changes can you make? You need to think about your own personal power. I'm sorry if she made your life miserable, but she doesn't need to matter any more. Block her on your SM and concentrate on enjoying your own life.

Sorry to all I’ve offended, really.
I was bullied and perhaps have become a bit defensive.

I don't give a shit about her. She was one of dozens of kids who picked on me. She just sticks out because of the incident I mention in the OP and I see her on social media because she's friends with my cousin.

I just saw yet another '...and my life is so much more awesome than what those bullies have working in a shop' anecdote and wondered why some people think my life is some sort of punishment for being a dickhead as a teenager. Or theirs is a reward for being bullied. Personally, I think it's all random.

Great post @Refreeze. A close university friend and bullying survivor who was "on the spectrum" in today's parlance, had blu-tacked that Nietsche quote to his wall - "That which does not kill you, makes you stronger." No, it just mortally wounds you in a way that can make death seem merciful in comparison. (Gosh, I'm a laugh a minute tonight. Sorry OP.) The universe doesn't care if you're doing well or badly, and it's the same for your bully. Is she living in secret misery? We can certainly hope so :) but it's impossible to say. She's hardly going to confide in you. Are you a double failure? Well you could look at it that way if you're determined to focus on the past and see yourself as your severest critic sees you, but it's probably better to set your own goals and focus on achieving them. When I get chewed up by jealousy and resentment I like to focus on the saying that "Success is the best revenge" and try to use that to figure out what I want and how to get it. It's trite and clichéd because it's true, whereas Nietsche's paradox gets its force and originality from the fact that it's BS.

Bullies do seem to age badly though, I've noticed that. Drugs, perhaps? I'm sure both bullying and addiction would correlate with low impulse control. Obviously in your case, Dr Bully is not in this category.

@Lovingbenidorm I've also been bullied, you didn't offend me at all.

I just saw yet another '...and my life is so much more awesome than what those bullies have working in a shop' anecdote and wondered why some people think my life is some sort of punishment for being a dickhead as a teenager.

Those posters are clutching at straws, eagerly seizing upon any bit of evidence that their bully's life is going badly. We all do it. They aren't assuming you are an ex bully, because they don't know you from Adam so probably aren't thinking about you at all. IMO.

The reason people share those stories is because it's lovely to believe in karma - that the shitty people who made other miserable will suffer later, and the good or meek or bullied people will reap the rewards.
It does happen, occasionally - and when it does we enjoy the story, or share it in the hopes it can reassure those currently going through the rough times.

More often, though, the bullies seem to carry on with life as normal, and either turn into well-liked adults, or carry on bullying and belittling people in workplaces instead of schools. And the victims have to deal with the after-effects.

I know people who were bullied- their bullies haven't had their comeuppance, and they have poor self esteem, social anxieties, and in one case severe depression resulting in multiple suicide attempts.

It's not the universe or society deciding who is or isn't worthy, just life.

So it's not you, OP.

The belief in "karma" as in "what goes around, cones around" is total bullshit and actually an incorrect interpretation of karma in the true sense.

Sometimes life is just shit.

I was bullied badly too. Nervous breakdown at 15. I'm now disabled by chronic illness and a lone parent because my self worth was so low that in my 20s I got into a highly abusive and toxic relationship. I'm now 37 and single.

BUT I've stopped taking shit from people. I have job that doesn't pay well, but I enjoy it. My DS is the light of my life. I know I'm strong enough to do it all on my own so I will never again settle for anything less than I deserve.

I may not have the most glamourous life, but when I hear supposedly successful people moan about their lifeless marriages, their well paying but despised jobs, their mounting debts from trying to keep up with their peers, I'm glad I'm out if it.

I'm sure you're a lovely person. You need to value yourself more. Stop comparing and look at your own merits in isolation. I know saying "love yourself" sounds like new age bollocks, but really, just accepting that it wasn't your fault and seeing your worth for who you are now really does help.

I have a friend who I've only known in recent years, who admitted she was a bully at school and loathes that part of her past. It came about because I said I would never intentionally hurt someone to make myself feel better as it messed me up for years. She had never admitted it before and is in her 50s. Her thought was that there will be others out there with the same secret but who do not want to ever confront it, so they just pretend it never happened, because that's what she had been doing.

Two of the biggest bullies of my childhood are dead now. Result! Well, not really. One was my dad, so very complex emotionally and will always be somewhat impossible to really resolve, and the other was my childhood best friend's older brother. The impact of his childhood heroin addiction on her family, and his later prison career (for manslaughter), was far too bitter-tasting for his death to have any real sweetness to it. The damage was far too deep.

Some of my childhood bullies are still alive, and I struggle with that to greater and lesser extents. All but one of them I never see or have any connection to, but they're still there in my head fairly frequently. I've found life very difficult. I'm sure what they put me through didn't help one bit. But it happened and it can't unhappen, so I try to accept it as best I can. Sadly, some of us were just very unfortunate at perhaps the most vulnerable time of our lives, and as we now know, it's frighteningly and heartbreakingly common, and can be much more monstrous than we experienced (as terrible and soul-destroying as our experiences were).

But I often think the hardest part of it all for me has been recognising over the years how my misfortune led to me effectively bullying others. The extent of my own trauma messed with my head and my feelings so much that I got lost in a lot of projections and did some scapegoating of others in an unaware attempt to resolve my own inner demons. "Attack is the best form of defense" was an unconscious belief that ran my show for a long time, until I made the connection. And since then I've had a lot of guilt to process and live with.

Bullying is a hideous disease. Personally I believe that if you've been bullied and never bullied others, you're made of spiritual steel and need to acknowledge that instead of letting the past destroy you. Recognise your incredible strength, let yourself off the hook and get out there and live. For you, for once and for all!!

I can't rewrite my past, or the pasts of the people who hurt me, but it has helped me to be very aware of how much of what passes for acceptable communication and behaviour from parents to children is laced with features of bullying and abuse. If you have the stomach for it, read Alice Miller. Her books changed my perspective forever, and although it's not easy to be so aware of her insights, I wouldn't go back to not understanding what she so bravely published about the way children are seen and treated under the guise of acceptable parenting and schooling.

I know what you mean OP.

There’s this weird myth that all the nasty mean bullies will fall in a heap out in the “real world”and get run over by the karma bus.

So when they end up being CEOs / rich / successful/ whatever, it really doesn’t seem fair!

The thing is... superficial social charm, ruthlessness and a lack of empathy can help people get ahead. Best to forget about karma and just block and ignore.

What’s your cousin got to do with it? If you block Mean Person, how are you still seeing her posts?

There was a similar thread recently:www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3431532--Popular-mean-people-from-school-working-in-salons

^ Just to say, I mentioned Alice Miller because through reading her work I realised how children learn bullying from the way they're treated by adults. React to it, emulate it, mistake it for some key to 'personal power' (which is understandable because being such plastic and vulnerable and confused and hurt little beings, they don't know anything better.)

I often feel that the type of person who is a bully will do well in life in terms of house, career, husband, wealth etc as it thay sort of ruthless personality that translates to getting what you want ( at the expense of everyone else.)
Would i want to be like that? Nope....id rather be poor and decent than a rich cunt!