To ask how the separated amongst you deal with Christmas

[mystifiedinbrighton]

DH and I are recently separated. 1 DS, age 5.

I hope that in years to come we can both spend at least some of Christmas Day with our DS, but this year feels very raw, and I really mustn't give him any indication that a reconciliation is on the cards (it's not, but he would like it to be).

Do I start the way I would like to go on, and invite DH for present opening and / or dinner (not no overnights)?

Or do I tell him this year is off the cards.

He'll be devastated not to see DS on Christmas Day - and DS will feel the same. DH currently lives 2 hours away.

I'd love to hear how separated parents manage this.

Bump

Separated from my husband in March so kind of in the same situation.

We have SS involvement and I was told to let him have Christmas Eve or Boxing Day just for this year.

He’s got neither due to work but the offer was there.

I had Christmas eve and Christmas morning/early afternoon, he had the rest of Xmas day and boxing day. It worked for us, but our children were older when we split.

I have 2 children with my ex. We split in 2015 and have spent xmas day together every year. We have our children 50/50 and decided to spend xmas with the children together at whichever house they were at acc to our 'rotation'. Xmas 2019 she will come to mine. Our new partners also do xmas with us. We all get on really well and after a first uncomfortable post split xmas it had been really good. My partner has a difficult relationship with his ex, previously she has had their daughter xmas eve until 4pm xmas day then we've had her until new year's day. I wouldn't want to spend xmas with my ex if we weren't friends/got on well. So in your case maybe better to have xmas eve until xmas afternoon then swap? Its difficult. Good luck.

One year they have Xmas day with me, the next year they spend it with their mum.

First year was tough but we did the day together. And do a chunk of it together still. However I've learnt to be realistic about how we manage occasions together. If the time isn't friendly then it won't be nice for your DS. If all you can manage is tense civility I'd suggest something like present opening and then let your husband and DS have a play while you get dressed etc and then do the rest of day alone with DS.
We were a bit tense first year despite trying hard.

My husband spends Christmas morning with his children at his ex’s house. They open presents and hang out together, have some food whatever. Then she takes the kids to her parents for Christmas dinner and my husband and I spend the afternoon together. It works really well imo and his kids seem happy with this arrangement too. I think it’s whatever works for you OP. It will be uncomfortable for the first year of course but it’ll get easier and you’ll figure out what works best for your family.

We split the day - one has Christmas Eve and morning present opening, the other collects at lunch time (between 12 and 2) and does Christmas dinner (and a second set of presents). We live close to each other so not too much travelling around.

We split it -:

Christmas Eve & Christmas Day until 1pm with myself.
Christmas Day 1pm - Boxing Day 1pm with dad.

However, this year he isn't having her at all due to the courts stopping it. They had tried to make us swap every year - so 1 Christmas Day with me, next Christmas Day with dad - but we both didn't want that so agreed upon the split.

The first Christmas after me and ExH split I invited him over to spend Christmas with the kids - he spent the whole day watching tv, ignoring them, complaining about everything in general, and didn't lift a finger to help with the washing up after I cooked the Christmas dinner. It was exactly like when we were still living together. That was the last Christmas Day he spent with the kids (12 years ago). He has them boxing day / ay after boxing day for a few nights - well, younger DD, eldest isn't currently speaking to him.

Do what is right for you and your son. If you feel that you can tolerate your ex for the sake of your child, then invite him, if he is a selfish twit (like my ex) then don't feel obligated if you really don't want to.

My parent split when I was 11, they actually stayed friends and my spent many Christmases with us after that until he got with his current wife (when I was 15) when he would just come on Christmas morning and spend a few hours with us until we went to my Nan’s. There was never any argument he was happy to do whatever.

I have DS Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, he then goes to his dad’s in the afternoon and spend the rest of the day and Boxing Day with him. Works fairly well for us although it does make it a bit difficult for some of my family to see DS on Christmas Day.

Thanks for all your responses. Although it’s a long way to come for a couple of hours, i’m thinking that may be all I can deal with. We could be present opening and late lunch in a couple of hours, then he could go home. It’s a lot of driving for two hours, but he may just have to take it or leave it. I just need to make it a zillion per cent clear that it is for DS, not because I secretly want to make up

Something that came up with one of my children is that time together quite often knocked them back a little in terms of coping. I think it made them wish we were all together. It might help to allow opportunity for that to be expressed or just acknowledge the sadness.

Hope it goes ok.