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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think people don’t think?

25 replies

AliceRR · 08/12/2018 19:49

A second cousin I don’t see v often came over this evening. She contacted me a week or so ago to arrange it and suggested today. She said I / we could go there or she’d come here. I suggested she come here as she hasn’t been to my house before and also thought it would be easier for me as I’m 31 weeks pregnant.

She said her husband was working so it would be her and her daughters 10ish and 14ish I think. I said fine I’ll let DH know as he might do his own thing too.

I said I’ll order pizza etc and we agreed 5pm.

Anyway I realised at about 5 to 5 that I hadn’t give her my address. I texted her my address. She texted back not long after 5 saying thanks and that’s she’s “setting off now”. She lives about 20 mins away. I was thinking of wrapping a few gifts to go under my tree but didn’t as it had got close to 5 and I thought she’d be here.

She arrived after 6.

The only thing I could think of was she thought she’d stop off and get the food on the way or something (not that I’d asked her to) so I didn’t want to get annoyed but I was sitting here thinking I’m hungry and I expected to order not long after they’d arrived and I’d expect to be eating notnling after 6.

She said they’d eaten. So I sat here while she was here thinking I’m hungry and feel like I need to wait til she’s left to order food. Or I might have just cooked but I didn’t as I thought we were ordering food. She didn’t say no when I said I’d get food in.

Even when she said they’d eaten and I said “oh I would have ordered pizza” there was no acknowledgement.

Then while she was here she kept asking me to bring the rabbits in. The rabbits now live outside in a shed and I’ve spent much of today cleaning this house and floor and also cleaned the rabbits out. I also didn’t really want to go outside in the cold and dark, when I’d just had a shower and put clean clothes on before she arrived, to bring the rabbit in. I also didn’t really want it running around but they used to be house rabbits so it wasn’t the end of the world in that sense.

I could have said no but I have said before that her youngest daughter could see the rabbits whenever they come (but I’ve been saying that for about 2 and half years as that’s as long as I’ve lived here and the girls’ school is a mile down the road).

So I went out in the cold and wet to get the rabbit.

Obviously I’ve got to go out again.

I feel a bit dirty and have rabbit hair on me now.

While they were here both her and the youngest daughter were in the kitchen trying to coax out the rabbit, who was obviously scared of them, and I even said “the rabbit is scared”. I can understand the child but a woman in her forties?

I just think it was a bit inconsiderate and kind of felt like I was waiting for them to leave.

She’s lovely generally but I found her a bit insensitive today with coming late, having eaten first (she could have mentioned that when she texted at 5 saying she’s “setting off”) and if she’d said then she’d eaten and would be here around 6 I’d have had time to eat!

But maybe I’m just hangry?

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Racecardriver · 08/12/2018 19:51

She sounds really annoying.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 08/12/2018 19:53

Nah, that's really inconsiderate. I say this in sympathy, as I am sat here waiting for DH's mate, who is over an hour late. I am waiting to drop them in town. He has shocking time-skills, so we offered to feed him, thinking it would save him time and he wouldn't be quite as late. No such luck. Some people are just selfish.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 08/12/2018 19:54

But I have eaten. When he sees the decimated buffet, its entirely his own fault the bastard.

AliceRR · 08/12/2018 19:56

But I have eaten. When he sees the decimated buffet, its entirely his own fault the bastard

Good for you!

I might just order pizza for one now since it’s nearly 8 pm and I don’t feel like cooking now

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AntMoon · 08/12/2018 19:56

Oh I hate lateness. Hate it. There's no excuse and she should have mentioned she was going to eat beforehand. She behaved very rudely. I'd definitely make an excuse next time she suggests coming over.

Or next time say you'll go to her and turn up two hours late. "Just setting off" ffs.

VictoryOrValhalla · 08/12/2018 19:58

Tbh I think you just need to develop a backbone and do what you need to do. I’d you want to eat while they’re there then eat, if you don’t want the rabbits in then don’t bring them in. If they’re scaring the rabbit put it away again.

AliceRR · 08/12/2018 20:03

I'd definitely make an excuse next time she suggests coming over.

She has invited us to go over next Saturday... I said I’d see what DH has planned as I’m not sure he’d want to go anyway.

I’d you want to eat while they’re there then eat, if you don’t want the rabbits in then don’t bring them in. If they’re scaring the rabbit put it away again.

I wouldn’t have eaten while they were there as I’d have felt uncomfortable (but again I feel she shouldn’t have agreed/acquiesced to us getting a takeaway and then eaten) but I did think maybe I should just say no to the rabbit. I just felt slightly obligated as I’ve always said the child could see the rabbits when they come but I didn’t mean Id bring them into my nice clean house at 7pm in the dark when it’s raining and I’ve just had a shower 🙄

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VictoryOrValhalla · 08/12/2018 20:06

I wouldn’t have eaten while they were there as I’d have felt uncomfortable

Yes I know, that’s why I’m telling you to grow a backbone and stop feeling uncomfortable. Why on earth should a 31 week pregnant woman feel uncomfortable eating in her own house at dinner time?

AliceRR · 08/12/2018 20:11

Yes I know, that’s why I’m telling you to grow a backbone and stop feeling uncomfortable. Why on earth should a 31 week pregnant woman feel uncomfortable eating in her own house at dinner time?

I don’t think it works like that but I’ll bear that in mind if it happens again!

I have now ordered pizza and can expect it to arrive in 45-55 mins 🙄

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ladybee28 · 08/12/2018 20:11

Do you think she thought since she hadn't heard from you with your address, you were trying to back out gently?

So she wasn't expecting to come until the moment you texted her with your address, 5 minutes before the time you'd agreed to meet, at which point she had to get ready quickly and get to you as fast as she could?

Food-wise, if she'd eaten and you were hungry, then eat. Or order pizza. Or whatever - why did you have to wait for her to leave before you could eat?

As far as the rabbit's concerned, don't do things you don't want to do. Or if you do do them, I don't think you get to complain about it afterwards.

This is all very British and passive-aggressive, not doing what you need and want to do for yourself and then sniping / blaming other people about it afterwards.

I'd take a friend who was late over one who was two-faced any day.

VictoryOrValhalla · 08/12/2018 20:14

I don’t think it works like that but I’ll bear that in mind if it happens again!

Umm, yes, that’s exactly how it works. You choose to stop caring that it might be rude (it isn’t) andnyou just do it. You don’t stop being uncomfortable with something by not doing it and worrying about how uncomfortable that would be. You stop being uncomfortable by just doing it and realising it’s really not an issue.

AliceRR · 08/12/2018 20:16

Do you think she thought since she hadn't heard from you with your address, you were trying to back out gently?

No because we had exchanged texts early in the day.

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VictoryOrValhalla · 08/12/2018 20:17

Btw how do you expect people to “think”/realise they have been thoughtless if you never act to inform them of it? If you start eating while she is there she might actually realise she had kept a hungry pregnant woman waiting for her dinner. If you had refused to take the rabbits out because house clean/darkness/rain etc she may have realised she was causing you hassle by asking. If you had put the rabbit away when they refused to stop scaring it they may have realised they were out of line. All that’s happened tonight is she is totally unaware of how troublesome she was. Don’t be afraid of letting people know they are being a bother. You can do it without being rude.

AliceRR · 08/12/2018 20:20

Btw how do you expect people to “think”/realise they have been thoughtless if you never act to inform them of it?

Well I suppose I didn’t think that I needed to teach her basic manners but I’m not dismissing what you say

I can be quite direct so I think certainly if anything like this happened again with her I would tell her

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AntMoon · 08/12/2018 20:21

I wouldn't have eaten with guests there either. I wouldn't have felt comfortable.

It's not fair saying don't be so British when you're British. The people-pleasing gene runs DEEP.

VictoryOrValhalla · 08/12/2018 20:21

And yet you didn’t tonight? Confused why not?

ladybee28 · 08/12/2018 20:25

The people-pleasing gene runs DEEP.

I take no issue with people-pleasing – it's the complaining afterwards that you didn't get what you wanted that bothers me.

AliceRR · 08/12/2018 20:26

@VictoryOrValhalla Give it a rest! You’ve made your point and I have taken it on board. Why go on??

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AliceRR · 08/12/2018 20:27

I wouldn't have eaten with guests there either. I wouldn't have felt comfortable. It's not fair saying don't be so British when you're British. The people-pleasing gene runs DEEP

Thanks for understanding!

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VictoryOrValhalla · 08/12/2018 20:31

Oh dear.

Perfectly1mperfect · 08/12/2018 20:39

She was a bit thoughtless, some people are just like that. I probably wouldn't have said anything either if she's usually lovely like you say.

You will really enjoy your pizza when it arrives ! I want pizza now.🍕

RebelWitchFace · 08/12/2018 21:11

"My cousin invited me and my daughters over to her house for a chat and pizza. The thing is I've never been to the house, I don't know where she lives and at no point did she give me her address . I felt really awkward and uncomfortable so I couldn't ask for her address and despite messaging her throughout the day she hasn't given me her address until 5 minutes before I was supposed to be at her house. By that time me and DD's had already eaten and we weren't really ready as tbh I wasn't even sure we were still going. I got there late and she kept mentioning food and that she'd order pizza,but I just sad we'd already eaten. She didn't actually order any food or eat at all. My daughter asked for her to bring the rabbits in,as she was promised she could play with them,but when my cousin finally brought them in she just let them hide. We tried to coax one out,but my cousin just said that he's scared,so in the end we let it go.

IAMBU that some people don't think to first invite us but not give the address until 5 minutes before,and seond to promise my DD she could play with the rabbit but not make any attempt to help DD interact with them?

AliceRR · 08/12/2018 21:28

You will really enjoy your pizza when it arrives ! I want pizza now.🍕

Yes I did enjoy it!

Other people have been to my house for the first time and asked for the address. I just realised that I hadn’t given it to her and then texted her but I don’t think that was the reason.

She’d have to have started cooking at about 4 AT THE LATEST to have expected to cook, eat and travel here by 5.

I think she would have just asked for the address, there was no awkwardness with the that

She told me the reason she was late was because she stopped at the bottom of the road to take a call

Anyway it’s done now. I’m not holding it against her but will eat before she comes next time!

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RebelWitchFace · 08/12/2018 21:41

But if it's reasonable to understand that you couldn't possibly eat in your own home with her there or say no, then it's also possible that she couldn't ask you for the address when you didn't give it to her .

AliceRR · 08/12/2018 22:12

I don’t think it’s the same. We had similar upbringings and she wouldn’t have eaten while I was sitting there either.

I see where you are coming from but I don’t think that’s it

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