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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my kids will remember what a miserable twat their Dad is

51 replies

worthygirl · 08/12/2018 19:44

Just that really. My ‘dp’ is a grumpy old man- he won’t take the kids to the park, he won’t play with them and is super grumpy to the point of reducing my 6 year old to tears earlier. I hate him for it.
It’s always me taking them to the park, doing fun stuff with them. It’s like he forgets they are kids- he wouldn’t get DD’s train track out earlier hence her tears. I just feel like that’s all they will remember of their childhood- a miserable cunt who wouldn’t play with them. I try to fill the gap and make sure they have a fun, happy, loved life but I feel like he ruins it all.
Aibu to hope they remember the good & not the bad?
Ps, we are starting therapy as I have had enough

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 08/12/2018 20:36

If it's left everyone except him miserable and walking on eggshells, it's more than just being "grumpy" isn't it?

None of you should have to live like that. It's not normal or healthy.

Shepherdspieisminging · 08/12/2018 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caprisunorange · 08/12/2018 20:38

My BIL is like this and it’s really weird, it’s like he takes pride in being a grumpy old victor meldrew

StillMe1 · 08/12/2018 20:39

Sorry to be the one to blow cold water on the theories.
I wonder what age the children of the PPs are.
My ex was a sponger, totally grumpy, full of male dominance while I worked and paid the bills. In general terms he was a manipulative conman.
I got rid of him while the DC were quite young. There were incidents over the years when I had to deal with him again. By this time the DCs were getting older. By the time they left school I would have expected them to be able to see that I was the only adult in the house.
There were even more incidents once they were older. I thought I had fairly intelligent DCs but they are listening to him re-write history.
It is disappointing but their choice. I am not debating the issues with the DCs. Perhaps there are others factors involved such as drink or drugs or the males they are involved with, who are also spongers. I just wish them luck with their lives.

sheldonstwin · 08/12/2018 20:40

My dad was like your DH OP. I really don't know why my parents had 5 of us. It was nice when it was just mum around, but horrible at weekends with him there. Your children will remember how nasty he was.

Snowwontbelong · 08/12/2018 20:42

Divorced exh when ds's were under 7. Over teen age they went nc when old enough to dump him - they had no real relationship with him and he declined to make the effort to change that.

Miscible · 08/12/2018 20:43

So what's his explanation when you talk to him about it?

Stompythedinosaur · 08/12/2018 20:43

Yes, they will remember. They will also remember that you have allowed the situation by not leaving. It took me decades to forgive my mum (who otherwise loved us and did her best) for not leaving my own shitty father.

Agustarella · 08/12/2018 20:45

My dad was exactly like this but he's a good grandad. Your DH may mellow in 20 years' time (or not; my maternal grandad never did) but whether it's worth waiting is another matter. I suppose you'll have to look at the situation in the round to see whether you'd be better off without him.

FredaNerkk · 08/12/2018 20:46

This is based on personal experience -- Yes it will affect their memories. It will also affect their future adult relationships with him, AND the future relationships with you if you stick with him - e.g. if he is still living with you, they will not come home as often to see you, nor invite you so often to visit them. The other thing is that they will have low standards for their own future partnerships (and face the consequences)

Desmondo2016 · 08/12/2018 20:47

I Have been where you are. It's exhausting. Now I've been separated from him for 10 beautiful years and life's amazing. And he's still a miserable fuck who my now adult children have disowned.

I'm not being crass but just leave him. Life will be better for all of you. If he can't be nice naturally then if he does learn to be nice sometimes or for a while, he won't be able to keep it up and the misery will return. Do you want to spend your life jollying him along and overcompensating for him.

AnoukSpirit · 08/12/2018 20:48

Reading between the lines, I assume he did more than simply refuse to get the train set out to reduce her to tears. Shouting? Insults? Threats? Waving his arms about? Slamming doors?

When you're 6 the possibility of an angry parent being able to annihilate you feels very real and very frightening. At that age you don't have the means to escape, you don't have the means to defend yourself, and the only way you have to make sense of what is happening is that it must be your fault because there's something awful about you.

They'll do more than remember - it will leave them with damage. Developmental trauma...

Have you considered that - in the context of all this - when your son tells you he hates his dad that he's asking you to help protect them? He's telling you that it would be OK if you stopped making them live with him and instead protected them properly?

I'm really sceptical that this is just "grumpiness". Maybe have a look at www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and see whether any of it fits. If it does, please, please do not go to joint therapy - it would make things worse.

EKGEMS · 08/12/2018 20:50

Get the fuck out. Now. My father was an asshole my entire life and it horribly affected my life.

EKGEMS · 08/12/2018 20:51

Justabetterplayer Wow the OP is describing a miserable sob but you think she's in the wrong when he abused their six year old today? Right....,

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 08/12/2018 20:58

Yes, if therapy doesn't shake him up, I'd be leaving.

And in the interim, I'd not be playing along ith or making excuses for him in the name of 'not undermining' or some such. I'd be (if it's safe to do so) calling him out calmly on his attitude, in front of the dc.

another20 · 08/12/2018 20:59

Your kids need to know that they are loved and valued unconditionally and that if this toxic dynamic shows up in their life in any relationship - at any time - friendship, colleague, boss, partner - they walk. You need to role model this for them - otherwise they will have a life of anxiety, low self esteem and will tolerate bad relationships.

How does the atmosphere, behaviour and tension make you FEEL in your gut OP ... then for your DCs multiply this by x10 as they have not the insight and adult rational brain to process and cope.

So yes they will remember this in their emotional DNA - they will remember a DM who stood by, exposing them to it and being preoccupied, exhausted and depleted by putting managing his moods above their childhood. They wont thank you for it, they wont come home, they will have shit boundaries and end up in difficult relationships.

Buttonsareforever · 08/12/2018 21:10

I left my kids dad because of the exact same situation. My biggest regret is that I let it go on till the kids were 10 and 11, I wish I had done it years before.

His behaviour towards my kids and lack of interest had such a negative affect on them!! One went inside themself and the other lashed out!!

Fast forward many years later, they are now 18 and 19 years old and have no contact with him - their choice and both doing great 😊

WhyAmISoCold · 08/12/2018 21:11

Reading with interest as my DH can be a grumpy sod. Not to the extent of the stories on here and he does do stuff with them but he is just grumpy most of the time and I am much happier and relaxed when he isn't here. I can deal with DCs and there is far less stress when it's just me dealing with them too. They seem to adore him though, DS more so, DD has almighty fits when he deals with her, that she rarely does with me. She will frequently scream at him that he doesn't listen to her. I have pointed all this out to him and he says he knows and tries to curb it for a short while but invariably goes back to how he was. My take is he always acts like it's always a massive inconvenience and never seems to put them first. Stupid examples but he will see to himself before them, pass me my tea before passing DCs theirs and if they ever ask for something he usually just says no when there is either no reason to say no or it's something that he can't be bothered to do (which I admit I can be guilty of sometimes too).

But it doesn't appear to be enough to be damaging to them, I don't think. Just seems low level stuff.

WinterfellWench · 08/12/2018 21:19

@worthygirl

I am so sorry for you OP and your kids too. Your husband will moan like a bitch in 10-15 years when he is older (middle age or older,) and his kids don't want much to do with him (if anything.)

As I said on a thread the other day - sorry for copy and paste, but it is very apt for this thread too.

MANY men leave the vast majority of the wifework and childrearing to the women; including school plays, sports days, parents evenings, dental, doctors, optician, and nurse appointments, hobby groups, sports clubs, dance clubs, sleepovers, issues at school, dealing with other mothers in the neighbourhood or school, cooking for the family, looking after the kids when they're ill, helping them with homework, and taking them on daytrips, and to the park, and concerts, and plays, and suchlike...

Then these men wonder why, when the kids are grown (like 15+) they are closer to the mother than they are to them, and often choose to live with their mother than their father if they split.

Hopefully you can encourage your partner to start contributing more to the upbringing of his child, before HE ends up like this. Coz I have heard many complaints from some men, because the kids are MUCH closer to their mother (as young adults...)

They still love their father, but are much closer to their mother. Every time I hear this, I just think 'well maybe you should have contributed a bit more to the upbringing of your child(ren) then.'

Your husband sounds hideous though OP, and I would be surprised if your kids even want to KNOW him when they are older.

TheBigFatMermaid · 08/12/2018 21:20

My DP is generally a bit of a grump, so much so that my Grandchildrens name for him is Grumpy. That's fine. My younger DC, age 12 and 13 know he loves them as he shows them in many ways. He runs DD around to her many and various club, spends most of our spare money ion doing so. He gets up before everyone else and make DSs lunch for him to take to school, makes me a cup of tea ready for when I finally emerge in my barely human state!

He works hard to provide for us all. HE is generally dependable and maybe the weight of all this responsibility is what makes him so grumpy.

What is good about your DP?

Birdsgottafly · 08/12/2018 21:20

I'm glad I'm not going to be the first to say that they will remember you enabling him and keeping them in the situation.

Living on eggshells and trying to placate a Parent, means that you start to internalise that it's your job to people please and you don't get to have emotions and boundaries. This chips away at your self esteem and worth.

In Boys it usually comes out as anger, later on. So expect that once your Son hits around 14, I hope you eventually pick him and his needs above your DH's.

You are damaging your childrens mental health.

Birdsgottafly · 08/12/2018 21:24

WhyAmISoCold, if your DD ever asks for emotional help via the school, or goes into Counselling, at least be honest so she can sort out the mess that her childhood is going to leave her in.

cookiemon666 · 08/12/2018 21:36

My ex husband was like this, I persuaded him to leave 2 and half years ago. My oldest was nearly 16 and my youngest 9. My oldest was the catalyst as she was going to move out. My youngest was having massive behavioural issues. 2 1/2 years later my oldest is off to uni in September, my 16 year old has had no contact with his dad for 2 years and has changed his surname, my 13 year old refuses to see her dad as it makes her so anxious and my 11 year old has just started senior school and is doing amazing. My only regret is that I left it so long

Shepherdspieisminging · 08/12/2018 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weenurse · 08/12/2018 21:51

I am sorry for everyone who has lived this

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