to want to be told when major things happen

[MadgeMidgerson]

I live thousands of miles from family.

Thus far, I have found out about:

My grandmother’s heart attack
My father’s stroke

completely in passing conversation with my mother - there was never any intention to tell me at all, it just comes out

Case in point, I rang today and asked how she was, she said she was better but then again, her surgery was two days ago so...

She says she doesn’t want to worry me.

For reference I call home every week, often more, and visit for 6 weeks during the summer. I don’t think we are estranged!

AIBU to want to know when things like this happen rather than getting sucker punched with it after the fact

I'd feel exactly like you, why the heck wouldn't she mention it?! The only reason I can imagine is if you have a tendency to over worry or similar.

My mum is abroad and we speak every day and whilst I may not mention everything, I'd definitely tell her about major stuff.

I hear you, OP. I think a lot of families operate this way. Both DH’s and mine are similar. All four parents are terribly concerned not to worry us — we live abroad — and we get tired of explaining that the effort of trying to figure out whether a casual mention of ‘that thing John had, you know’ indicates having a wart removed or open heart surgery is way more exhausting than just dealing with the facts at the time. Their ultimate horror is that we would feel obliged to drop everything and fly home.

It sucks! I don’t over worry.

Every time it happens I try to explain calmly that I much prefer to know at the time, and she then agrees to tell me, and then invariably doesn’t.

I found out about my grandmothers heart attack quite inadvertently, we were talking about something else and I asked when it had happened and she said oh just after your grandma had that heart attack 😮

today when she said she’d had surgery two days ago I cried 🙁

My family is the same. I have a young family member in a psychiatric intensive care unit. They avoid telling me when things get even worse as they don't want to worry me. They don't understand I would rather know what's going on, even if it's upsetting. I wake up every day wondering if today is the day I find out they're dead because I have no idea what's happening

I found out about my mum's cancer when her Macmillan nurse rang. I was visiting from abroad and asked who had been on the phone.

YADNBU

This is my MIL to a tee. She's a bugger but I understand why she'd want to protect us.