To ask your rules regarding older dc bf/gfs

[supermariossister]

I think we have messed up being far too lenient and am feeling a bit mugged off lately.

Both 16, eating tea here every day that stepdaughter is here. We are cooking, she comes down when tea is ready takes both of theirs back upstairs. He gets picked up so isn't leaving until half 11 some nights but means younger brothers are disturbed going to bed. Really do like the lad and glad they want to spend time here but struggling to find a middle ground and dp actually enforce it.

Bit confused reading this but maybe I am tired. Do you mean your stepdaughter has her boyfriend over every time she visits? Taking dinner upstairs every time is definitely rude! I understand it makes more sense sometimes but should really be more of a treat to do that. Coming to someones house you eat with them and thank them for dinner

Yep pretty much every night. Feel awful posting asking advice as genuinally do really like the lad but never had any experience of this before and wondered what other people's thoughts were as me and dp seem to be butting heads over it a bit.

New rules folks...no food upstairs. (Blame mice if you need to). Eating at the table, we eat together and help with setting the table etc.
If they kick off, just point out the can find another hang out space if that doesn't suit.

At 16 I'd be happy to feed bf/gf but at the table with the rest of us.
I think 1130 is late if it's a school night but fine for a weekend.

If you're cooking them food, they sit down to eat it with you, and they do the washing up afterwards.

If they're cooking their own food, leave them to it, and obviously they clean up after themselves.

If it's the frequency that's bothering you more than the meal arrangements then a "It's important to have time and space to yourself, so X visits per week is a sensible amount" conversation should probably take place.

I like Sethis' approach.

I think you'll get a bit of a "push back" from them, but I'd explain that expectations do change as relationships become established. It's part of adulthood in my opinion. You know, at first you're dating, you're treated as a guest at the other's house etc. etc. Then you transition to boyfriend/girlfriend and get treated less as a guest and more as a fixed part of the family. Pluses and negatives.

I'd sell it to them like this. Appeal to their maturity.

I also think that 11:30 is too late for a school night.

I’d rather I knew where they were and they aren’t out hanging around on the street.

Meal times are a time for everyone eating to do so together - everyone eats together and chats, no one leaves the table until everyone has finished

Don’t worry about washing up at this stage

Baby steps

I think 11.30 is too late too, especially on a school night, and if it’s disturbing younger siblings. Think a chat is needed about new ground rules, that you’re happy for bf to come over, but not every night (when is DSD spending any time with family?) and not having dinner in the bedroom any more.
On a school night I’d be expecting him to get picked up at 10pm really, latest.

Got to be worth a try, that's kind of how I feel it's been sort of expected that its gone from no boys on the horizon to him being a part of the furniture but to us since we don't talk or eat together he is very much a guest still.

No way would I serve a meal to my teenage DS and (theoretical) girlfriend & allow them to eat in his bedroom . And I would also not be happy about them spending every night together, presumably they have homework etc to be doing?

But it’s a tricky situation for you if your DP isn’t enforcing the rules.