AIBU to not always have my mobile phone when I go out? dh and ds1 think it's my duty to be contactable.

[tigermoth]

I don't much like using a mobile phone. I don't text, don't usually have credit on my phone.

If I am driving a long distance or out for a whole day, I take my phone with me for emergencies. For short local trips I prefer not to have it.

Why? In my bitter experience, dh and ds1 (age 13) will make a habit of phoning me with constant requests, demands and interruptions, ie.....can you buy some toothpaste?..... can you be back in half an hour to drive me over to the cricket nets?..... what's the weather forecast for this afternoon?...... do I really have to do my homework today? etc etc

I end up being the family gopher. I go to the supermarket and just when I have queued and paid for the shopping the phone will ring with a request for something else. I can be lingering over a glass of wine at a friend's house and dh will phone remind me I'd 'promised' to clean the living room.

Tell me, what is the advantage to me of being constantly contactable? I like to be off duty from time to time. During the working day, I am very contactable at work. Most evenings I am at home. I think me being always at the end of a phone breeds dependence and disorganisation. If my dh and ds know I am out of their radar for a set amount of time, they are forced to sort out things for themselves.

But dh and ds1 think I am being unreasonable and are urging me to carrt a working mobile at all times.

You are not being unreasonable. I am not a big fan of mobiles either! I tend to take mine now after DH nagged me constantly but it is generally on silent at the bottom of my bag...
I just make a point of repeatedly telling people who moan at my not replying or answering that the phone is for me to call people on, not for me to be reached. They get it eventually, especially if you deliberately don't check your mobile for several days!
I don't even have people calling to make me do stuff like you do - I just like my own personnal space.

I think you are not being unreasonable when they disturb you so often, but maybe you could have your phone on silent, and tell them that you will ignore all communications apart from text messages, which are only allowed to be about urgent matters.

hehe. they have just cut my mobile off for lack of use. I am annoyed (as T mobile did the same thing to my uk mobile a month before), but also in some way proud.

it's a bit annoying when dh goes out near to school pick up time though and doesn't atke one, so I don't know if he's picked up dd or not.

You've become too accessible to them. What you describe would irritate me.

I'd carry it with me, but switch it to silent, then they'd have to text and you're more in control as to whether or not you respond to the texts (and tbh the examples you've quoted I'd pretty much ignore).

Alternatively, tell them both to bog off.

I don't even own a phone, it isn't necessary to be contactable all the time

I would explain to them that you would like some time off from being the family organiser and that you won't be switching your phone on except once a day (or whatever) to check for messages.

I think having your phone or not having it is a matter of choice, BUT some of the examples you give of your dh and ds's requests strike me as unacceptable whether they are made over the phone or face to face! If my dp "reminded" me to clean the living room I would go cmpleletely ballistic! I don't think "can you buy some toothpase is too bad - presumably you want there to be toothpaste as well - but what's the weather forecast and do I have to do my homework - well, once again, short shrift whatever the method of communication!

Texting is not something dh is practised at(or me for that matter)so I can see that suggestion going down like a lead balloon, unfortunately. But like the underlying idea that I am there to check messages sometimes, not to constantly reply to a ringing phone.

I can see so many reasons why dh and ds want me fully networked at all times - few reasons why it's good for me personally.

So none of you think that as a responsible parent, I have a fundamental duty to be constantly reachable by my son and dh?

I suppose I am trying to dodge the job of being the main family organiser. Dh does do things as well (just now for instance, he phoned to ask me if I needed him to buy milk before he came home). However too often I feel my title and role had morphed from 'mum' to mumcanyou' and it gets me very irritated that my personal space is not more respected.

Oooooh no. Leave the bugger at home.

No, given you are constantly being pestered over trivial matters.

I am still outraged by the "you promised to clean the living room" call!

(me too Katelyle)

There is an expectation these days to always be accessible, but it's of no real benefit to you 99% of the time, is it?

TBH, in your situation, texts probably wouldn't help YOU anyway, as they would still expect you to respond to every message, but DH soon learnt how to txt when I had to make a few calls over several days which always seemed to be at the most inopportune moments, when he hadn't let me know what was going on (and yes, I needed to know because of childcare).

Oh sorry, but it drives me nuts if dh doesn't have his mobile or he doesn't answer it - what's the bloody point of it otherwise?

My children are still younger than then yours, and when they are at preschool/school I do feel obliged to be contactable in an emergency. But not for the examples you've given

OTOH, I do unplug our main land line phone when I don't want to be interrupted. So, a bit hypocritcal of me methinks!

I don't think the issue is the phone here tigermoth. I do get annoyed tbh when dh is uncontactable, and I do think it is a parents duty to be contactable at all times in case of emergency. I don't think it unreasonable to expect to be able to get hold of my dh when I need him.
But there's "need" and "need", and being told to clean the living room, or buy toothpaste are not things that I would count as them "needing" you - that's them using you. Can you come to an agreement that you will be always contactable for emergencies, but that if you are off duty, you really are off duty, and that only life and death calls are allowed.
And please understand that I am trying to give constructive criticism here, but the current situation could not have happened if you hadn't let it - if you don't want to be their dogsbody, then don't be. When they call and ask you to be back in half an hour, say no. If you don't respect your right to have down time, they won't either.

Sorry I agree with them and have this same arguement with my mother all the time!

Hmm, I go MAD at dh if I can't get hold of him during the day because I think he should be contactable if say, one of the children was ill/needed collecting and I couldn't do it/other emergency. So I guess I think you should have it BUT you shouldn't be a gopher because of it. So they need to leave message sand you'll pick them up whne you're good and ready.

Now have read thread and agree with Prufrock

I';d go mad if dh called me to remind me about cleaning when I was having a glass of wine, cleaning vs wine = no contest! And if it needs doing and he's there he should do it imo.

Agree with Prufrock too although if I'd gone shopping I wouldn't mind being called with a request to buy something else that had perviously been forgotten, after all, don't we all forget things at times? I know I do.

Hello tigermoth!
in answer to your OP - they are abusing your phone, imo.
my ex used to use the phone, fixed and mobile, like a choke chain - he would yank on it, and I had to come running. OK, he was a mega control freak, but he definitely abused the phone.
Mobiles should be used to help people, eg in emergencies, or if YOU want to contact someone when you are out. You have no obligation to be contactable 24 hours a day, for trivia. Emergencies yes, trivia no.
Agree completely with what you said about dependence and disorganisation.

How will they take it if you say it is for emergencies only from now on?

YANBU. I have my mobile so I can contact people if/ when I want to. I resent the idea that people feel they can get hold of you whenever they feel like it. I quite often screen calls on my lanline as well.

Just goes to show that sometimes technological advances can be very burdensome indeed. Of course we should all be grateful for mobile phones in emergencies. But for goodness sake the OP's dh and ds would have to have coped without being able to contact her in pre-mobile days or would they have expected her to have never gone out ?!!

You should carry it. They should stop abusing it.

Very succinct.

And correct.