AIBU to not always have my mobile phone when I go out? dh and ds1 think it's my duty to be contactable.

[tigermoth]

I don't much like using a mobile phone. I don't text, don't usually have credit on my phone.

If I am driving a long distance or out for a whole day, I take my phone with me for emergencies. For short local trips I prefer not to have it.

Why? In my bitter experience, dh and ds1 (age 13) will make a habit of phoning me with constant requests, demands and interruptions, ie.....can you buy some toothpaste?..... can you be back in half an hour to drive me over to the cricket nets?..... what's the weather forecast for this afternoon?...... do I really have to do my homework today? etc etc

I end up being the family gopher. I go to the supermarket and just when I have queued and paid for the shopping the phone will ring with a request for something else. I can be lingering over a glass of wine at a friend's house and dh will phone remind me I'd 'promised' to clean the living room.

Tell me, what is the advantage to me of being constantly contactable? I like to be off duty from time to time. During the working day, I am very contactable at work. Most evenings I am at home. I think me being always at the end of a phone breeds dependence and disorganisation. If my dh and ds know I am out of their radar for a set amount of time, they are forced to sort out things for themselves.

But dh and ds1 think I am being unreasonable and are urging me to carrt a working mobile at all times.

Interesting range of comments. I do make a habit of weighing up gopher requests and, if I think they are unreasonable, saying 'no' or 'not now' But that doesn't stop dh and ds asking! Of course, what sounds reasonable to them at home or wherever, may not be reasonable to me wherever I happen to be. ie I can be out shopping for shoes in Oxford Street and ds will ring to ask me if I can pick up some French travel brochures for a school project.

And the whole thing - phone ringing, finding phone at bottom of handbag, hearing request, considering it, saying yes or no, all takes time and brain space. I do say 'yes' probably more than I should, as the long drawn out argument if I say 'no' is sometimes not worth the hassle - or I tell a white lie to make a quick getaway.

I do think dh and ds like to feel I am standing by at all times. I think ds (who is naturally chatty and likes my attention anyway) is picking up bad habits from his father.

Colditz ah yes, but how do I stop them abusing it?

Messages, either txt or voicemail.

Keep your phone on silent the rest of the time.

(says she who sometimes hassles DH rather more than she should....)

Nice that your lad's chatty though, my eldest who I think is a similar age is not chatty often.

You've already had the answer to this - put it on silent so you can only accept text messages. They'll quickly learn how to text!

The other part of the answer is just don't allow them to abuse you - refuse! Tell ds to get off his backside and go and get travel brochures (or order them online).

You are allowing them to abuse you!!!

in your case, no YANBU! Esp if the children are with dh.

But, i do always have my mobile with me esp when the children (3.4 and 20m) are not with either of us incase we are needed urgently.

I get really mad with dh when i can't get hold of him at work. When he doesn't answer his mobile or landline. When the receptionist doesn't answer... i only call hiim in emergencies - like when we got locked out last week, like when we got hit by a car and both times i couldn't get hold of him. So, am AIBU??!

My dp is like this, it drives me mad.
I'm the worlds worst for keeping my phone charged so even when i do remember to take it, its usually out of battery!!
It winds him up no end....
Which can be fun

So YANBU!!!!

tell them that they have to text you, and keep your phone on silent

if your h doesnt like texting ,then it will make him think twice about whether he really needs to bother you or not

Carry it but control it.

And btw I don't think your dh ringing you to ask if he needs to buy milk is much of an improvement tbh.

I have to say, the words 'I've no idea, you decide. Goodbye' may come in handy.

My MIL is the same, she will phone the landline, get no answer, then phone DH's mobile contantly till she gets an answer, DH sometimes even ignores her phoning. We went away once to our caravan and DH's phone had died, and mine had no credit, so when I got a missed call we couldn't phone her back. Apparently she was getting worried about us and kept trying to phone us, we had taken the kids to the beach by then and left DH's phone charging. We switched it on when we came back in and BIL phoned us and said that she was in a real mood because she couldn't get hold of us... awwww shame!!!

I always carry my mobile in case of emergencies, if I was at the supermarket and dh thought of something he wanted he probably would call, but if I was out for the evening with friends he would only call me in an emergency.

If he called to remind me I had promised to clean the living room I would put the phone down on him.

My initial reaction when I read the title of this post was that you were being unreasonable as it was important that ds and dh could contact you if there was an emergency. However having read your post I'm not surprised you don't want to carry it!

Agree having it on silent and only responding to texts is one way round this but it would still mean they couldn't get hold of you in an emergency and I also think calling to ask you to get something extra at the supermarket is reasonable (if you are in the queue then leave it). I would sit them down and explain why it is important to you to have some me-time and that their constant calls about trivial stuff is spoiling that. Tell them that you will take your phone when out but only on the understanding that they only use it for genuine emergencies. If they abuse this then either put the phone down on them, stop taking your phone with you, or try the same on them when they're out and see how they like it! Think they will eventually get the message although it might take a while...

Just to add it might help if to start with you remind them if you are happy to accept calls or not - for example 'I'm going to the supermarket - let me know if there is anything we need that I might have forgotton' as compared with 'I'm off out for a drink with , please don't call me unless there is an emergency', or even 'I'm off to 's house for a drink - I'm leaving my phone at home but you can get me on her's if there is an emergency' - that might make them think twice!

When they start to get the idea you might be able to stop doing this...

I agree choosyfloosy, my dh is getting used to me saying 'i dont know, can you make that decision by yourself?!?'

As to the carrying of a mobile i used to get very p###ed off with my dad who always rang my mobile in the middle of the day when i was teaching leaving me messages like 'where are you?' 'You never answer your phone'.

I do take it with me on long trips especially when i've got ds1 with me but i have to say dh is usually pretty good at only ringing when necessary.

...you could start ringing them with annoying requests.

I can see what you're all getting at with regards to picking up messages or texts. It would work up to a point, but as alicet pointed out, that's no good if there is a genuine emergency.

And there is another thing - I suspect ds and dh will leave messages that say 'ring me URGENTLY' and when I reply, it will be for something trivial or a gopher request! Because the underlying issue it that they want a response from me. It is urgent to them but not to me. It is an attitude thing.

Also, I'd need a new phone as my sight is not 100% and I sometimes can't see text messages clearly on the phone screen under dim lighting, and very often can't see the actual letters on the buttons to text messages of my own.

I rely on voicemail (which I prefer to texting) this means I must have credit on my phone. Having credit means I can use the phone to reply to any messages. This IME will encourage dh and ds to leave even more messages as they know I can phone them back!

I just have a problem with this whole idea of it being my duty to be constantly contactable. Before mobile phones existed this was never expected of parents. I know that having mobile at all time signals 'progress', but IME it comes at a great cost. It eats away at my privacy, makes it more difficult for me to relax when out, prevents me making the most of the present moment and increases the chance of petty, day to day arguments with my dh and ds.

i had my phone stolen last week and have not switched the replacement on yet and its like a miracle - dh, who used to call me to ask me dates, times of various appointments, actually went and got a diary and wrote things in it. And when I made plans with friends, they had to stick to them, as they couldn't get hold of me to cancel or change venues. okay, you sometimes wait ten minutes as someone is running late and couldn't let you know, but that is nothing compared to the way life has got a lot more efficient.

I meant to say If I rely in voicemail'

Oranges - yes, same thing here

Perhaps then you need to do what someone has already suggested every time they go out start phoning them with silly "urgent" messages untill they get it that you are not always available.

Any complaints from them just say that this is why i sometimes leave my phone at home as I need my space as well.

I would also get a white board in the kitchen which they write what they need from the supermarket and if not on there when you go shopping then it waits untill next time.

I'm really sorry if this sounds harsh, but you're not listening to people here. This problem is of your own making because you are letting them do this to you!

If you need to keep your phone on, when they call with something unreasonable, just tell them so!

Leave the phone and home and let them know where your going. And if something REALLY important crops up then they will can find Jessies phone number, or get Sainsburys to anounce over the tannoy what the problem is.

Xp brought me a mobile to take out with me when I went nightclubbing, so I would be contactable.

What trouble it caused, brought me a mobile but didnt like it when I used it to text male friends or when I left it at home on purpose so I couldnt be contacted.

Nothing but trouble.

BecauseImworth it, you say 'If you need to keep your phone on, when they call with something unreasonable, just tell them so!'

If only life here was so simple! I just don't want the interruptions, justifications and sheer hassle of telling them they are being unreasonable, listening to their side of the story etc etc. Your family must be a dream family compared to mine.

I have talked to them and it still doesn't stop the requests and reminders and that's exactly why I have stopped carrying a working phone around with me all the time.

I really do question if it is necessary. As charliecat says, 'nothing but trouble'

I did like the suggestion of using my mobile to pester dh and ds. When I have a working, charged up phone, it is a temptation to call them to remind them of stuff etc. They don't like it as a rule when I do this.... but it still doesn't stop them calling me.

I think that the knowledge that I am at the end of a mobile invites their phone calls. It is a temptation. It is not all the fault of dh and ds, it is just the way it is.

I dumped my mobile for that very reason.

And I don't have a car for that very reason.

Admittedly, I live in the centre of Paris with fantastic shops and public transport right outside my front door. But I don't want to be at anyone's beck and call - much, much easier without a car/mobile...

Ah Tigermoth, if only my family was a dream family!

All I was trying to say is that you need to be firm with them - it will only take a while before they realise that you mean it.

Example. Dh first moved in with me, he kept asking me 'have I got any clean shirts' to which I always smiled and answered 'I don't know darling, have you?'

He soon got the message and I didn't have to get cross!