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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DH to wash up tonight as it's my night when I should be at work but I have holiday

25 replies

MRSMARMITE3 · 08/12/2018 15:52

Background I work 3/7 evenings and he works mon-fri 9-5. He washes up the nights im at work and I wash up the other 4.
I asked him to wash up as I would normally be at work, and if he didn't then I have to do another night. He then said what about when he had a days holiday a couple a weeks ago and I asked him to do a load of washing and Hoover up downstairs (I was seeing my sister at the time who was having chemo). He said he will but I'm a hypocrite!! I am pregnant so hormonal but am I being ridiculous (I think part of my rage is I'm worried about when this babies comes how he will be in terms of housework

OP posts:

AntMoon · 08/12/2018 15:55

Get a better partner, or a dishwasher.

NiceViper · 08/12/2018 15:59

Yes, you do come across as somewhat unreasonable and certainly very rigid in your thinking.

If you want flexibility from him - as you seem to when you're away - you need also to extend it back - perhaps when you're unexpectedly in.

And I strongly recommend th pair of you talking about expectations for when the baby arrives, and talking even more frequently about how it's working out once s/he has arrived. Better communication might mean you don't need to have a set of rules and a consequences if squallbkes about who gets to be the more senior officer in policing them.

Confusedbeetle · 08/12/2018 15:59

Good grief, does this really need such a discussion? You asked, he declined, not very nice of him but not the end of the world. I might be inclined to mention it next time he asked a favour.... bit petty I guess. Taking turns formally isn't the essence of sharing chores, being considerate to each other is. Blindside him by washing up on one of his nights, and feel holy

VictoryOrValhalla · 08/12/2018 16:00

Oh god, when you’re at the stage of counting who did what on x day 3 weeks ago it’s time for a reset!! You two need to pull your heads out of your asses and remember why you live together. It’s because at one point you actually liked each other and wanted to spend so much time together not to keep a tally of who does the dishes. Take a night off and go out for dinner, enjoy each other again.

ElfOnTheShelfAteMyJoy · 08/12/2018 16:04

Really? We just do what needs to be done! Whoever is not doing the dishes will tidy up, clean around, get DC ready for bed etc. Don't get bogged down in pedantics!

allthingsred · 08/12/2018 16:04

How about go out for dinner or order a pizza That saves rows over nothing.
& maybe chill with the his/your days. When your baby arrives you'll really be needing to be more flexible & working together

HJWT · 08/12/2018 16:08

I wish this was my biggest problem in life 😩

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 08/12/2018 16:09

Oh my days, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Both of you need to be flexible and work together. It’s called being a grown up.

adaline · 08/12/2018 16:14

That is very - prescriptive!

Surely you just do what needs doing? If I'm working and there's a sink full of dishes then DH does it. Likewise if he's at work and the bin needs emptying I'll just do it. We don't keep track

UhUhUhDennis · 08/12/2018 16:16

Wtf is wrong with people. Just get a fucking dishwasher like 99% of the UK and stop arguing over petty stuff.

maddiemookins16mum · 08/12/2018 16:21

You have washing up nights? Just do it together or one washes up and the other makes the brew.

Notacluethisxmas · 08/12/2018 16:26

This is all so petty. But i think yabu. If you have a days holiday, but won't pick up extra jobs at home because it's a days holiday, why do you expect him to?

Both of you are being ridiculous. It's washing up, does it matter? Although I do see his point slightly more. You can't say if he has a day off he has to do more jobs, but you don't.

Hears a secret, when the baby is born, neither of you get a days holiday.

You are both at home, work as a team.

Dp is off work for 2 weeks over Christmas. Can not imagine him saying.....'ah no.....I am not doing an extra jobs round the house'.

Both if us would think, we can get some jobs done and have more relaxing time later.

category12 · 08/12/2018 16:29

It's very tit for tat, isn't it? If it's a battlefield between you, you need to talk about it and work out something more generous-spirited (on both sides).

There are no holidays from housework, it's always there, it always needs doing.

What's good tho, is if you can take up the slack for each other kindly, because the other person is tired or deserves a break.

Haggisfish · 08/12/2018 16:30

Goodness help you both when a baby is thrown into the mix-they are often reliably unpredictable!

TacoLover · 08/12/2018 16:34

So basically you both wash up the days that the other is working. Your partner was expected to do chores oh a 'work' day when he had holiday but you don't think you should do chores on your 'work' day even though you had holiday? Doesn't really sound fair

Original poster

MRSMARMITE3 · 08/12/2018 16:36

I think my problem is he doesn't do any unless I ask him as he doesn't notice. That's why we have the washing up rota. And we already have a child so when I'm not at work I'm doing the housework or looking after our child. And I wish this was my biggest problem but it's not hence going to see my sister having chemo. I think I just feel overwhelmed trying to fit everything in

OP posts:

UhUhUhDennis · 08/12/2018 16:37

Seriously get a dishwasher. If it makes you feel better order it with his credit card.

Original poster

MRSMARMITE3 · 08/12/2018 16:39

And as for asking him to do chores on his holiday I have to do chores every day cos stuff always needs doing. I've already done lots of chores today as that's your norm even tho I'm on "holiday" so I wouldn't have thought it was unacceptable to ask if he did a few bits on his holiday

OP posts:

Notacluethisxmas · 08/12/2018 16:47

You are in holiday from work.

If he doesn't do enough generally, that's one thing. But deal with that. But you aren't helping by saying your days holidays mean no extra chores but his days holidays mean extra chores.

Not sure why you are worrying about what will happen when the baby comes along and how to decide work......If you already have a child.

It will carry on as is, unless you and he work together.

BlueJava · 08/12/2018 16:54

I think YABU, not for asking him to wash up but to make such a big thing of it. Really, I think you're going to have a tough time with a baby if you can't resolve something as simple as washing up between you.

RedSkyLastNight · 08/12/2018 16:57

It would be the opposite way round for us - if one of us has a day's holiday, they pick up more of the everyday chores then normal.

As an example, I cook 4 evenings a week. If DH is on holiday on one of "my" days, he cooks instead, because it's a nice thing to do for me as he's had more time - rather than him being at home and expecting me to cook as soon as I come in from work.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/12/2018 17:03

Don't know if I'm missing something, but it sounds like you do the washing up every evening you are at home. That doesn't sound a fair split to me- I would have thought that obviously if one of you is is home, that person washes up as they are the one there making the mess. Then the days you are both there, you take turns.

Notacluethisxmas · 08/12/2018 17:06

DelphiniumBlue I assume a meal is made for the op though. She may not be there but it's not just making food for himself......I hope.

But I am basing that on the fact that she works 3pm-7pm. I may have misinterpreted that from the first post.

Original poster

MRSMARMITE3 · 08/12/2018 17:31

I work 6-midnight so I make the meal most evenings and I wash up the evenings I'm not working

OP posts:

Booksandwine80 · 13/12/2018 22:13

You both sound ridiculous

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