to wonder if people shouldn't call their own kids ugly?

[DarcieStarlight]

I was at a friends house having a coffee the other day and a bit of a catch up. She's a good friend of mine and she has a great sense of humour which is why I thought the following was her just being daft.
I commented on how cute her 4yo girls hair looked up in a little bun with a bow in.
Her reply was "well I've got to make an effort somehow she's not exactly a good looking kid is she?" I laughed because I thought she was joking and then asked her if she was being serious. She said yes. She also has a 1yo girl and said that her toddler is extremely cute but the older child not so much. She said she hopes that it's a case of the ugly duckling story and she grows up to be attractive but at the moment she doesn't think she is pretty.
I've never, ever, ever heard a parent think their own child isn't cute before.
Is it ever ok to think your own children are ugly? Or any children in general?

Is it ever ok to think your own children are ugly? Or any children in general?
Well it’s one thing to think it, another to say it, and something else altogether if you say it in front of them.

I can’t quite equate love with thinking people look good though.

My dd was plain when she was little, but I never loved her less, or judged her for it, or tried to improve her( unlike my dm, but that’s a whole other thread) , I loved her just as she was, but I could see she was plain.

She’s turned into a beauty now , and I love her the same.

Agree with Ohyes re seeing things objectively re your child’s looks and it not having any impact whatsoever on the love you feel for them.

This has made me feel so sad. It is unnecessary. So awful. I don't understand it. Actually it breaks my heart to think people who have chosen to invest themselves with the responsibility of bringing a child into the world then raising them would ever even think this let alone say it. It doesn't break my heart for them it breaks my heart for their children.

And yes @Ohyesiam your comment about not being able to equate love with thinking people look good enough

Another messed up human being added to the fold because of a messed up parent. Then people wonder how one generation can be so different from previous. What kind of self esteem will this child have.

Sorry pressed send too soon, well I can see what you are saying, but to me that's entirely different.
Your private musings as a parent on your own children is something we all do to some degree, though the way you've framed it isn't cruel as in the OPs observation. And as you say it isn't about love.

Still though, perhaps I'm a bit Pollyanna in that I look at my three children and I'm sort of incapable of assessing them in quite this manner. To me they are just beautiful.

What a horrible way to think about your child let alone say out loud. There's a massive difference between thinking your child is stunning and will probably be snapped up by a modelling agency and loving the way they look and seeing the beauty in whatever features they have.

I grew up with parents who told me I'm ugly. That really damaged me (as did other things they said and did).

I think my son is gorgeous. I can't imagine not thinking that. I have never once looked at him and mentally considered his physical appearance in comparrison to others or 'standards' of beauty that others may see. I just see a beautiful boy (well, young man now!).

I honestly cannot understand anyone thinking their child is 'ugly' and find it disgusting for anyone to verbalise such thoughts

How shallow!

Looks are not the be all and end all of everything.

I was never outright told I was ugly but the standard phrase from my mother was "Nanny is the brains, Annie is the beauty and Danny is the brawn".

I have made it my life's mission to tell every child I met they were valued for what they could do rather than what they genetically lucked out to look like.

I think she's entitled to quietly think it, but never to let on to the daughter, or outsiders.

Saying things like that invites people to judge your child on something they can't help. Not nice at all and hopefully others won't encourage her.

Being a parent does not make you blind. Blinkers on yes, but of course you know if your child is pretty or not. But like with adults, once you like and love someone, the lovelier they are and look.
Only a complete arsehole would ever SAY something negative though. To a child OR an adult!

Is it ever ok to think your own children are ugly? Or any children in general?

I don't feel bad about saying that most newborns look red and wrinkled and not very pretty, but saying things like that about a small child who can already understand it, and while they're present, is just cruel.

People can't help thinking it, perhaps, but I don't think they should say it.

My baby has been beautiful to me at every stage. I don't care whether she's going to be conventionally attractive or not. It's irrelevant.

User

It isn’t irrelevant though, is it - people’s looks, I mean.

Rare is the person bullied because they were “too good looking”.

See weirdly no I would never call my child ugly and especially in front of her.
But this whole beautiful thing drives me nuts
I am not “ beautiful “ or typically pretty never have been really.
My daughter however and this isn’t because she is mine haha is basically that child that people feel the need to tell is beautiful ( she is 4 with dark aurbun coloured curls down to waste, pale skin and piecing blue eyes ( basically gets called that kid from twiglihht a lot )
She is however very beautiful but even at nearly 5 when she gets dressed she says mummy do I look beautiful.
It drives me nuts she bloody 4 yes you are beautiful, because your kind, polite and funny, not because of your hair

I completely disagree with posters who say that you should not even think that your child is not beautiful. It smacks of wrong think to me, and completely misses the point that we all love our children for who they are, not what they look like.

Given that the child has at least half of her mother's genes then I would say she is pretty much insulting herself.

Giving

You say that. I know a sibling trip, parents are average/attractive looking. Their eldest child seems to have inherited their combined worst features, their second is one of the most beautiful looking children I have ever seen, the youngest is similar. I’m sure they don’t love their children any differently but it’s quite a stark difference between the eldest and the younger two, based on looks alone.

My DS is very funny looking. Not conventionally attractive by any stretch. His dad, too.

I think he's beautiful.

Oh come on, some kids are ugly lets be honest. I'd never dream of telling the child though obviously. Thats too far!

No kids here yet but some kids ARE fugly.

@ShadyLady53
It sounds like your mother was jealous of you. What a horrible experience, I really cannot understand mothers like this!

I think it’s ok in this situation- YABU

I remember being told by a teacher when I was 8 that it was a good job I had brains as my little sister was clearly 'the pretty one'

I developed bulimia soon after (despite already being a slight child). Nuts too because 1) we were all cute 2) my sister is clearly the brainiest of our family!

Firstly - genuine question but is your friend Asian? We have a culture of talking down our kids to our friends. It's considered poor taste to openly praise your child in front of others as it's viewed as boasting.

I actually find it really off putting when I meet parents who genuinely think their kids are gods gift to the world and are 'exceptionally' cute/ handsome/superior to other kids. I find it refreshing when a parent can acknowledge their kid isn't perfect like your friend does. And to be honest I've said similar to what your friend has to my friends about my son. But I would never ever say it in front of my son.

I dont see my kids as the best looking kids in the world. Just like I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world. I'm average looking and so are my kids. In fact I'd go so far as to say they were even kind of ugly as new borns (though I think ALL newborns are kind of ugly to be honest). The difference is, I would NEVER say this in front of them and if they asked me if they were cute, I'd say "of course you are!".