Christmas and big family with new baby

[PinkGiraffe1]

This will be long but don't want to drip feed.

Backstory: growing up I had a very small family and events/occasions like Christmas was usually me, younger sis, mum, dad and maternal grandparents. I'm not great in big crowded things. I get a bit overwhelmed.

DH has a massive family. Christmases were not just siblings (he has 3) but aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. It was manic, fun but exhausting (His words). It's still the same now but siblings and cousins have partners and kids.

Each Christmas me and DH alternate between family. Mine live 2 hours away. DH lives 4 hours away. So whoever we see Christmas Eve to Boxing Day, we'll see the other Boxing Day to 28th. They'd all have us stay longer, which is nice and kind of them, but not practical when my DH sometimes has to still work.

So 2016 Christmas was with my DM and her newish partner (my DF died years ago). Her partner has 4 kids, all with partners and 3 have kids (3 each). The 4th one with no kids loves dogs so that Christmas was 12 adults, 9 kids (ages 3 - 12), 2 dogs and my 7 month old DD. Then went to ILs on Boxing Day and over those 2 days around 20 different family members dropped by / stayed over and there was a party where neighbours also joined in. By the end me and DH we're knackered. In some ways it was nice to see people and have fun. But it was all a bit too much and there was no peace and quiet. 2017 was in reverse so ILs Christmas Day etc then my DM after. Again it was bedlam not to mention my DD was walking/falling over so keeping an eye on her with tons of people everywhere was stressful.

So this year, me and DH said we weren't doing it again as it's not fun for us and if we're dreading it so much let's just not do it. Then I found out I was pregnant, due end of Dec so best excuse ever. Family kept asking about Christmas plans and we said we'll be at home in case I go into labour. Most of them grumbled (my DM being the worst). Then last Sat DS arrives! Thankfully despite the early arrival all seems well. Got out of hospital on Thursday and so far adjusting to life with a 2 & a half year old DD and 1 week old DS. Tiring but marvelous.

The issue: no one has been to see us except my sis who lives 4 hours away. Little bit upset that they're not bothered about seeing DS when they accuse us of not caring about family (see below). Instead both sides of the family (mainly DM, MIL & SIL - eldest one) are asking if were now coming over for Christmas as I've had the baby. Me and DH just don't want to. Not only because the last 2 years have been stressful but we're both knackered with lack of sleep due to having a newborn and can't nap when he does because of DD. We just want a quiet peaceful Christmas slobbing around. We’ve told them all no but said we're available for guests to come over 27th - 29th between noon and 5pm. We have no room for people to stay over.

They're saying we're selfish, unreasonable, we clearly don't care about them etc. Me & DH don't need this and last night he ended up in a shouty phone call with his sis (the eldest SIL). This morning his mum cried down the phone. My mum is just being sulky.

Thank you if you've made it this far!

So are we being unreasonable/horrible to stay home for Christmas?

(Just fyi we do see them quite often throughout the year)

YANBU! Don't let them guilt trip you. We live less than an hour from both families but still spend Christmas Day on our own. It's nice to have a quiet day in and see family on other days. You shouldn't be the ones having to travel with a toddler and newborn! They are being extremely selfish. If they want to see you they can make the effort.

Tell them to jog on, order in some food for yourselves and lock your front door.

Them people have some balls not respecting your choices. Tell them from now on you make your own traditions

Of course yanbu. You've just had a baby! You need to be in your own comforts for a while and being over their homes for full days and travelling when he is so little is just not good. I would also say to them that he arrived early (and I'm assuming a lower than normal weight?) so as he is a premmie and hasn't had his jabs yet, it is just too risky this time of the year.

Yanbu and I expect I'll be posting a similar thread in a couple of weeks!

I'm due just before Xmas and I'm dreading this because we will be expected to visit our families over the Xmas period. We also alternate which is normally fine but both parents houses are very over crowded at Xmas and I found it very tough when dc1 was born and we were being expected to visit family all the time (she was summer born and there were constant events we 'had' to go to in which she cried non stop).

I've made it extremely clear to our families that I will not be visiting anyone if dc2 is born during December (we have another dc so I have suggested DP and dc1 can visit people without me as dc1 is currently being used as leverage as it is unfair on her apparently. ..). I've also said people are welcome to visit us but that I'm not going to be hosting as such. Despite this over the past couple of weeks I've been getting the 'do you know what you're doing on Xmas day?' 'aunty Sue is coming on 28th so you need to come'. It's doing my head in.

Just keep firm, that's my plan. It really pisses me off that the mother who has just given birth feeling's come last, it's absolutely laughable that you and your DH are the selfish ones - the selfish ones are everyone else who don't want to visit you because it's more convenient for them for you to go to them

(possibly projecting here).

OMG op, you are me!! Exactly the same arrangement, exhausting family Xmas and pending baby - just my DS has decided it’s nice and cosy in there and is now a week overdue!!

We were very, very clear from the start we would not be budging at Christmas (actually the first time ever we will spend it in our own home). You just have to stand firm as a couple.

I think you can expect people to steer clear of yours without a firm invite if you have decided to be on your own - but you can’t travel too far in the car seat with the new baby anyway.

People just get so excited about a Christmas baby - like it’s public property!!

Hang in there!

‘I’m not traipsing round in the car with a tiny newborn who shouldn’t be in a car seat for long, while I’m still recovering from giving birth. If you cared about us you’d prioritise the newborn baby’s wellbeing and my recovery. Who knows, you might even have put yourselves out to come and meet him.’

Yanbu,

Let me fill you in on a little secret that might seem mean on the surface but is actually very freeing once it sinks in. Deep down inside nobody actually cares what you do. Sure, they will sing and dance about it but come Christmas it will go on just the same with or without you. It doesn't sound like anybody will be sitting at home alone in the dark eating a cold tin of spam if you don't show up, so if you don't want to go, don't go.

Jassys reply sounds the best. Put your family first, stay at home & enjoy the peace.

Don't budge OP YANBU. I'm sure family will always tell you that great aunt ethel's, sister's, hairdressers twin ran a marathon a few hours after giving birth but this isn't the reality for most women. I had a c section 4 months ago and FIL actually asked DH if we could pop in on the way home that afternoon so they could see the baby. WTF! Oh yes I'll just hop down off of the operating table and wander down to you. Eh no. It doesn't matter what you do, someone will call you selfish so you might as well do what you want. Then you can spend time with baby, recover, and spend time with your toddler who will no doubt be much more aware of what Xmas is.

YANBU!! have a lovely Christmas at home. Let them all sulk!

Thank you all. With my hormones being everywhere right now I was seriously thinking it was us being mean. But you're all right, they really don't care whether we're here or not. In fact there's so many people and alot of drinks flowing I'd doubt they'd notice anyway.

My DH is currently grumbling around the house and I keep hearing him muttering things like 'Family, Eastenders Mitchell family, mafia, the don'. It's quite funny in a tragic way!

Well obviously they don’t care enough for family themselves if they haven’t even come to visit you and the new baby! Just tell them that.

Again, why do people get involved in such rows? Say 'No' and that's it, you don't have to offer reasons, explanations etc, keep saying 'No', they will either get apoplectic or bored, but just say 'No'.
I recall many years ago, we were visiting from abroad, the very best place to have a baby, far away. We said we intended to go to the Sales the next day, my mother said immediately 'You're not taking that baby!', so of course we had to take her, we'd intended to leave her for a couple of hours but now couldn't! Eventually I said 'There are only two opinions that counts and your's isn't one of them', she got the message. My father was very impressed, I was a first.

Sorry not sure how to link to direct responses but yes he was prem (only just) and thankfully he takes after my DH so was 6lb 8 when born so not too bad.

They do know that you're not supposed to leave a baby in a car seat or long, don't they? Just break the tradition, OP, time to make your own. Are you supposed to be inconvenienced every year forever more?

I'm appalled that it came to a shouty phonecall, that's disgraceful and ridiculous of your sil. Having a newborn in a hot, overcrowded house would be hell.

They really think that you should drive 2 hours with a tiny baby and toddler, spend a couple of days in a manic overcrowded house, then drive more hours to do it over again.

They havent made the effort to visit you, so sod them.

I rarely post in AIBU but had to say YANBU!

Both sets of grandparents/ILs are being incredibly selfish.

This year will be the rough one with them trying to guilt trip you but stick it out and don't back down. It sets the precedent so that next year you can say you're staying home again too. As a PP said, they'll realise this year it's the same with or without you.

We used to alternate between my family and DH's family then when DC1 came along we said in the summer before he was even born that we would be staying home from then on to allow DC Christmas in his own home but anyone who wanted to call in for a visit was welcome to. My parents were fine about it and said they'd come visit around tea time on Christmas Day if we didn't mind. DH's family went crackers about it. You're denying us our grandchild's first Christmas, we've already told everyone you're coming, it's our Christmas too so we should get a say in how we spend it and we want to spend it with our son and grandchild, if you don't want to come then that's fine but you can't stop DH and the baby from coming (it was DH's bloody idea to stay home!). The day itself was lovely and we had people dropping by here and there over the course of the day so it wasn't mega-quiet but it wasn't incredibly busy either. DH's family came over on Boxing Day, made pointed remarks about how bored DC must have been (barely three months old so I doubt he cared), how much fun we had missed out on the day before, and then left after about half an hour.

Oh, and don't get guilted into hosting next year to "make up" for missing this year. We got conned into that and hosted for three years in a row. It was a completely shit show. Ever since then we've gone back to Christmas at home just us and anyone who wants to drop in for a visit is welcome to.

They all have kids so know driving for long hours isn't good and that's it's dangerous. We've also had the guilt trip saying DD will be bored and will miss out (she's 2 FFS, she doesn't know or care what Christmas Day is). We're def not going and after SIL & Mils behaviour DH said 'They can go f*co themselves'. He's really annoyed with them!

• fuck themselves. Stupid phone!

I keep thinking back to my post birth recovery and imagining spending those first few weeks at someone else's home surrounded by lots of tipsy people who will be playing pass the baby while I am sleep deprived, bleeding and leaking out of every orifice while trying to establish breastfeeding.

The horror!

If they aren't respecting your boundaries now, I would imagine they would quite happily monopolise the baby while you're there, causing no end of stress for baby and you.

Don’t do it. It’s cold and flu season and I know of a five week old baby who had been hospitalized for over a week with RSV. Have your own nuclear Christmas at home. I really can’t stress this enough.

Yanbu they are though!! Have the Xmas you want with your own little family 💞so much pressure from families. I'm being selfish this year if people want to see us they come here end of!

Oh I wouldn't go even if I had no kids! Sounds like my idea of hell. Imagine, if you're bad, when you die Satan puts you in your family's sitting room and it's Christmas day for 1,000 years. Then he pops you over to your Dh's family's sitting room for another 1,000

Nope, yaDnbu, stay home, snuggle baby, put the phone on silent. Actually, put it on silent today and stop taking their calls. Decide now you're not going, and relaaaaaax. The relief!!

Good for you, OP. And congratulations! We’ve had all but one Christmases since kids as just our immediate family. It’s utterly lovely.