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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband and my 15 DD to just get along

26 replies

Mum0fteens · 07/12/2018 19:35

They are both fiery and both stubborn and every single night for the last 2 week's there has been arguements and I'm beyond fed up of it.
They can kick off with each other over the most tiniest things and are equally both in the wrong. They both want me to take sides my husband gets angry if i dont back him up but half the time I don't agree with him and the way he handles it and it's the same with my daughter. If I try and talk to them calmly they get defensive.
It's honestly making home life unbearable and I don't know how to fix it!

OP posts:
Squatternutbosh123 · 07/12/2018 19:39

What are they arguing about?

SexNotJenga · 07/12/2018 19:40

How do you think your dh would describe the problem?

How would your dd describe the problem?

Original poster
Mum0fteens · 07/12/2018 19:48

Honestly it can be about anything. For example he brought in some aftershave for my son tonight she made a flippant jokey comment "oh golden boy got another present" she was joking as we had been joking moments before about her brother being the golden boy she laughed when she said it and looked at me. He mistaken this for her being bratty and shouted at her she then argued back and next minute she's been sent to her room and she's in tears saying she hates him. Other times she can push it with her mouth and give cheek and pushes the boundaries so he quite rightly tells her off.
When I talk separately to them she says " he's horrible I hate him and hes overly strict on her but not on her brother" he says "she has bad attitude and I let her get away with too much".
Me and my DH argue over all of this but honestly they both have genuine points that I can agree with she can have a bad attitude with him but at the same time he is overly harsh on her and is much more lenient to our son.

OP posts:
SexNotJenga · 07/12/2018 19:55

So they're fighting because he treats your children unfairly.
Maybe try some family counselling.

DewDropsonKittens · 07/12/2018 19:56

I would be ignoring them both whilst they can't behave

Snowwontbelong · 07/12/2018 19:57

Is he the natural df of both?

Crispyturtle · 07/12/2018 19:58

You say ‘my daughter’ and ‘our son’ - is he father to both?

Notacluethisxmas · 07/12/2018 19:58

So the golden boy comment wasn't a joke really was it?

It was a dig?

Not Saying it's dd who is wrong, but the fact that you keep sticking to the fact that it's definitely a joke, when she has actually told you she feels like that is wrong.

If it's how she feels, it's how she feels and that needs dealing with when everyone is calm. But don't keep saying she was only joking when she wasn't.

amymel2016 · 07/12/2018 20:00

She’s a child, he’s an adult and a parent. He needs to sort it out.

Girlfrommars77 · 07/12/2018 20:02

Your poor DD - her father clearly favours her sibling. I don’t blame her for kicking back occasionally. You should speak to your DH about it.

Mamabearx4 · 07/12/2018 20:05

Happends here too. Dd is over sensitive (mh) so she can take a nothing comment and blow it up. Even when he offers to help with something its twisted. But hes just as bad if she says something or acts wrong. I think its partly normal. But its not healthy for anyone. All you can do is not take sides and stay out of it as best you can. Obviously pull up anything innapproiate like bed launguage.

Original poster
Mum0fteens · 07/12/2018 20:09

Sorry should have clarified he is the natural father to both. When I say she was joking I mean in that comment she was joking as we had been joking about it me and her just moments earlier she wasn't fussed about the aftershave as she had been given money for a cinema trip with her friends it was a joke in that moment. They was both so close when she was younger and he has struggled dealing with the fact she's growing up. Everytime I try and talk to him he feels I'm putting blame souly on him and gets defensive and uses that as an example of me letting her get away with everything. Similar When I talk to her she gets defensive and thinks I'm blaming her. They then both fall out with me and house is miserable.
AiBU to sometimes wish he would go away for a few days to let things calm down. I honestly want to run away half the time.

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 07/12/2018 20:12

Is he her biological parent? Either way you do need to question whether staying with him is in your kids’ best interests. It sounds like he’s scapegoating your DD

Original poster
Mum0fteens · 07/12/2018 20:14

Thanks mamabear you've just described my issue she is over sensitive but he jumps down her throat for the tiniest of things.

OP posts:
TulipsInbloom1 · 07/12/2018 20:14

Does he favour ds?

Pursefirst · 07/12/2018 20:16

OP, I had a very similar relationship with my DF - we were the best of pals until I became a teenager and things were honestly exactly like you've described for a few years. However, we are now as close (if not closer) as we were when I was younger.

I think it could be adolescence coupled with overprotective fatherly instincts and it will hopefully work out as time passes. I know this isn't overly helpful to you right now, but I thought I would add another viewpoint to the typical "LTB" comments that are often bandied about.

Original poster
Mum0fteens · 07/12/2018 20:20

I wouldn't say he favours him as such however ds is much more laid back and enjoys spending time with his dad whereas DD is very cold towards him even when he's just trying to spend time with her.

Thank you Pursefirst it's nice to hear the other side of it and it does give me hope.

OP posts:
Maryjoyce · 07/12/2018 20:22

Sounds like he is very bias which is why she says so.

SexNotJenga · 07/12/2018 20:23

You might not say he favours him, but that is exactly what your dd says, so probably what she believes. If she believes that, it's no wonder she's upset. It might be worth finding out why she thinks/feels that. Do you think your dh has any feeling that he treats them differently?

Notacluethisxmas · 07/12/2018 20:25

Is it just a personality clash?

Ohyesiam · 07/12/2018 20:28

Because he’s the adult he needs to rise above it more.
He was in the wrong over the aftershave , he needs to learn to enquire befor jumping down her throat. A quick “ what was the comment about” could have saved that situation.
In short he needs to grow up,

AntMoon · 07/12/2018 20:33

He's the adult, she's a teenager. He should learn how to manage his reactions.

lovetherisingsun · 07/12/2018 20:35

Just because people are family, doesn't mean they will auto get along, after a certain age. I adored my mum when I was a kid - idolised her. As I grew and started to learn abotu the world on my own, I started to realised and learn a lot of home truths. I can stand her just about now but we couldn't live together again.

dorisdog · 07/12/2018 20:36

He's the adult here and needs to show some restraint, IMO. Teenagers struggle, and are learning boundaries whilst grappling with growth and hormone changes. Obviously I don't mean they should get away with rudeness, it still needs to be pointed out, but it sounds like he's taking things personally and blowing up too easily at her.

Consistency is key, I reckon, and if he's treating them differently and being inconsistent with how he enforces (fair) boundaries with her, then he needs to sort it out.

mumsastudent · 07/12/2018 20:36

I bet she takes after him more than you - by temperament. The biggest arguments always seemed between those with the most in common.

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