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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband too busy for family life

6 replies

Fullofregrets33 · 07/12/2018 18:55

Hello. I think this is a pretty common problem for a lot of families now and in the past. But aibu to find it really upsetting?

Been with husband 17 years, we have 2 children under 10, one who is being assessed for adhd and autism.

My husband has studied hard to get a good job and he works very hard. I also studied and worked, but now I am a sahm (that's a whole other story, see previous threads)

Anyway, this means husband leaves early. Comes home late. Hardly sees the kids during the week. A pretty common problem.

Then at weekends he is either doing more work in his office and doesn't want to be disturbed or he is doing DIY or gardening which he loves.
It is very rare he has time to fit the family in. Always has a reason why he can't play a computer game with son or come to the park with us etc.
Over the years it has ended up being myself and the kids doing things, including going on holidays in the UK to our caravan in Wales, and husband doing his own thing.
I am pretty sick of it, my son gets upset and feels he comes last to dad's work all the time. When I speak to husband about it he gets angry saying he's working to provide for the family etc and to allow me to be a sahm. Which I do understand, but I don't feel the work/life balance is good right now.
His own father was absent alot due to work and they don't have a close relationship and he hates that yet is doing the same with his own children. I dream of taking the kids and going to live by the seaside, but obviously life isn't that easy. Any advice to make life easier for everyone?

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 07/12/2018 18:58

Given that he is working to provide for the family, what do you suggest he (or you) do to resolve the situation?

ID81241 · 07/12/2018 19:04

@Bombardier25966 but he could come on holidays and spend the time he does have on weekends investing in family life. If he has time for hobbies then he has time to spend with the children. Doesn't sound like it's only work he's prioritising over his family. Relationships take time investment. In some careers this dilemma is unavoidable (I.e. surgeon, army) but most other jobs allow reasonable time for family life. What field does your husband work in OP?

Haggisfish · 07/12/2018 19:08

I was quite direct with dh and pointed out how he was removing himself and isolating himself from us. I also said dc love spending time with him (which they do). Dh responded by saying he would rather do different activities with them to me, so he does those with them now. I make him take of other dc for a daddy day out about every other month, and I do same. We also agree to one family holiday of four days and numerous weekends (prob about three over a year), rather than a long two week holiday once a year. It took a while to thrash all this out and get to where we are.

Fullofregrets33 · 07/12/2018 19:43

@Bombardier25966 thanks for your reply. As I said in my post I do understand and I am grateful for him working to provide for us. Him being detached doesn't really matter for my sake. I am concerned about his relationship with his children being affected as they feel he is not interested in doing anything with them. Surely it is up to him to rectify that? But I don't want my children upset all the time. Its not fair on them

OP posts:
cptartapp · 07/12/2018 20:01

My DH works long hours but always makes weekends time family time and my DH are much older now.. Your DH spends weekends 'doing his own thing?' Why? How unbelievably selfish. Do you get chance to do that? How's he handling the ADHD and ASD assessments? I wouldn't stand for this and would threaten him if this marriage fails because of his attitude he will be solely responsible for sorting and god forbid, interacting with his DC 3.5 days a week on his own.

Sweetsophie · 05/09/2020 16:30

Hello, I was wondering what ever happened. Did he ever change. What did you do? I’m in a very similar situation my self. I have to boys 10 and 12. Married 23 years. @Fullofregrets33

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