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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu family problems need advice

8 replies

Coldshoulders · 07/12/2018 15:54

So basically I have a 7 year old child who I raise on my own his dad isn't involved at all by choice. I have had a colourful life varying from my mum abandoning me and my siblings as children and then going into the care system then our dad fought in court and gained custody and raised us on his own. He's mentally ill so always was sectioned and also he's a drug user always has been so often was in prison, didn't have a normal childhood whatsoever. Anyways since then a close family member who my dad lived with died leaving my dad homeless. My other siblings wasn't in a position to home our dad so I let him move in with me, that was almost 5 years ago. Since he's moved in things have changed. I sleep on the couch and he has my bedroom. I have nowhere to put my belongings as he has my room. Then he started making my home his home, treating it like shit. Won't clean up won't help around the house won't contribute to any bills. Started to borrow him money which I never get back and if I do in goes back into the house so I don't actually get it back sort of thing. I have no privacy as I don't have a bedroom and have lost relationships due to this and cannot persue any relationship as I feel my dad is too involved in my life. My friends stopped coming over my social life ended and i fell into deep depression. Stayed in on my own all the time and i won't lie turned to drink to cope. He's still taking drugs amphetamines which he's awake at 3 am downstairs while I'm trying to sleep on the couch. I never have any money any more and struggle to manage since he's moved in. Last year he got himself a flat which he's still not moved into! I even got investigated for benefit fraud as someone claimed he's living at my house. We have had endless arguements which I have told him I want him to move out so I can get my life back. I'm not allowed friends or people over and if I do he gives me nasty looks and nasty attitude. Since then my son has been into school telling the teachers my dad's on drugs my mum never has any money and I'm drinking. Now I'm waiting for the social services to turn up. My dad came this app n I had to sit there n try to explain why my child thinks my dad is on drugs! He's come back stormed off to bed (my room!) And I'm the cunt. All I want him to do is move out and let me be the mum I know I can be! He says he's here for me because I have been depressed which obv it's this living situation which is getting me down. I feel hopeless he just won't move out and i feel I owe my dad some sort of duty as he raised us on his own. I have tried my best and begged my other family members to help me as I cannot cope. Now it's impacting on my son and I'm prob gunna have the social round which is gunna tip me over the edge. Aibu kicking him out before Xmas? Before u all start ripping me I never wanted this I love my family but I love my son more. I have lost myself trying to help and i can't help but think I have had the piss taken out of my life and I'm really fucking angry. What the fuck can I do how the fuck do i make this end? Thankyou to anyone who actually managed to finish this thread. I just don't know what to do and i don't want to loose my son at all I don't do drugs myself and i told him I didn't want that shit in my house but like everything I say or feel it doesn't matter sort of thing. He is mentally ill and I'm just so fucking gone with all of this thankyou x

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 07/12/2018 16:01

I am sorry about what you have been through. You have done your best for your Dad, you owe him nothing.

For your son sake and yours you need to kick him out asap.

steppemum · 07/12/2018 16:02

As I was reading, I was thinking where would he go, and how hard it would be for you to kick him out because you would be worried about that. But he has a flat!

Give him a date - dad you need to move into your flat. By 20th december, I want you to be gone into your flat. Weekend before I am happy to help you with (whatever) then gone by 20th.
We would like ot invite you round for Christmas dinner, on Christmas day. But not to stay, because you need your home, and I need mine.

If he kicks off, hold your ground. You will all be happy hwen he and you have space.

steppemum · 07/12/2018 16:04

if you do have a visit from ss, they will probably tell you he has to go anyway.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 07/12/2018 16:05

I don’t think you would be unreasonable to kick him out.
I think you would be unreasonable not to.
I think you should change the locks if you are going to go through with this.

Coldshoulders · 07/12/2018 16:12

Thankyou all some very good responses on here. I guess it's because I feel so depressed I would feel overwhelming guilt for kicking him out, but I also feel like shit for what my son's had to go threw and how it's affected him. Last thing I need is social at my door or my son unhappy. I think the school will have to inform the social now due to the nature of the things he's been saying at school. I am actually really angry that I have done all of this for him n he isnt helping me. Reading this back he's just taken advantage of me. I don't get on with my other siblings because the last 5 years i been begging them for help and i get the impression they are just glad it's my life taken over and not there's they more interested in partying and drugs, brilliant family I have eh. Gunna have to bite the bullet n he knows I'm gunna tell him to go that why he's hiding in the bedroom to avoid it and just to think all of this is to help me with my depression what a joke that is thankyou all for your kind responses appreciate it xxx

OP posts:
Wizzywoo18 · 07/12/2018 16:20

Your Dad's got a flat. He is affecting your mental health and stopping you from parenting your son the way you want - not to mention getting you in trouble with the DWP, the school and social services.

It's really hard to set healthy boundaries after the sort of chaotic childhood you've experienced but you need to start somewhere.

Set a deadline for your Dad to leave your home and move into his flat. Be firm and if necessary, be prepared to change your locks. I know this will be difficult but he is taking the p*ss.

Have you thought of getting some counselling via your GP? I think a neutral person to talk to would give you an outside perspective, particularly if your Dad starts to emotionally blackmail you into backing down.

Travis1 · 07/12/2018 16:25

Fuck the 20th December, he is putting your child at risk and the future of your family at risk. Tell him to pack his bags and go tonight. He has a flat to go to. You've paid for him for 5 years ago? He is the epitome of a cheeky fucker. And when Social Services show up you want them to see you are already handling the situation and putting your child first!

longwayoff · 07/12/2018 19:40

You need support and help. Can you ask social services for help in getting your life back? Would they help you? Your father is a junkie and has stolen your life. He'll keep stealing from you until you have nothing at all. You owe him nothing at all. It's not a favour to bring up your child its a bloody duty. Its also a parents duty to prepare a child for independent adulthood and not sponge off them forever. Get help, maybe Womens Aid? This is abuse.you need to get out. Good luck.

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