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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WWYD - meetings with friend

9 replies

BUormyfriend · 07/12/2018 14:11

Name change as a bit of a sensitive issue.
Have a friend who I see occasionally, we met at a place we worked for a short time, I left afterwards but we kept in touch.
Said friend became a bit of a major pain in the butt when it comes to meetings and I am at the end of my tether - DH says I am capable of saying no but then agonise over it and that's probably true.
We live in different towns but I would have always travelled to hers for meetings so recently I started suggesting meeting closer to my place than to hers for a change which she didn't really like because my child is older than hers so I am the one who needs to adjust her schedule and travelling times. When I suggested she can leave her 1.5 year old son with her DH (not breastfed or anything), it was rejected as an improper suggestion.
She also insists I bring my DD to our meetings (she's almost 9) so "children can play together". Not really because a 9 year old child can't really play with a 1.5 year old toddler, it's more like an unpaid babysitter.
We were supposed to meet in October but her DS apparently got sick and her husband wasn't there so we cancelled the meeting. Fair enough, even thought the cancellation was so sudden and unconvincing that I felt like it was more the fact that I refused to travel long and suggested a place closer to where I live, which would still be close to her anyway.
Last week I suggested a nice place to meet, a Christmas market close to me but, again, rather close to her too. I was told she would look at it but no confirmation of time and date. Saturday she starts chatting me up while I was in the middle of big shopping, had no time to respond, only in the evening where I was told off because "weren't we supposed to meet on that day". Well no, because we had no precise time set and I don't do spontaneous meetings because while I am ready to accommodate changes, I make my own plans unless otherwise confirmed.
So Wednesday this week I tell her, let's meet Saturday same place, this time, please confirm by Friday afternoon.
She read it, no reply for yes or no. And I know for certain she will start chasing me up tomorrow morning when I already made different plans. I don't feel like constantly running after her, asking her to confirm a meeting.
I just feel like whenever we meet it has to be on her terms and she reserves the right to change her plans or decide on the spot which I really don't like because after having spent my working week commuting and working full-time, I want to make plans involving either my family or some precious me-time.
And I really take it very hard to fob someone off but I am getting pissed off with her. If she doesn't want to do it, she should simply say no. I told her already that sometimes I would like to meet somewhere closer to my place because after a week of commute I would like to travel somewhere close during the weekends and I was the one who always adjusted my plans previously to travel where it suited her.
Would you still keep in touch or simply give up?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 07/12/2018 14:15

She's too much hard work. I wouldn't have the time or patience for it. Your times too valuable to be messed around like that.

Wearywithteens · 07/12/2018 14:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

BUormyfriend · 07/12/2018 14:26

Thank you, and indeed, I am exhausted. I work full time, commute, just changing jobs and my work is and will be rather demanding because the workload can be so variable, really calm one day and next three or four days it's nonstop so I find it difficult to accommodate someone else's whims on top of it. I like spending my weekends with a bit of planning beforehand and don't want to feel like I need to be ready to change my plans just in case she just made up her mind that she wants to meet.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/12/2018 14:30

I couldn't be bothered with her at all, and I agree she wants your daughter to babysit her son.

Jeezoh · 07/12/2018 14:30

Take control back! If she hasn’t confirmed by 5pm tonight, text her and say you assume she’s not free tomorrow so just let you know when she is free at a later date and you can sietvabmeet up out. Put the ball back in her court.

Jeezoh · 07/12/2018 14:30

That should say “sort a meet up”!

BUormyfriend · 07/12/2018 14:50

@Jeezoh - I already told her please confirm by today afternoon and gave her time and date. The ball is firmly parked in her court and if she doesn't reply, she can sort out her own plans because I really don't care anymore. But thank you for that.
@HollowTalk - yep, that's exactly what I thought because she insisted on me bringing my DD to our meetings and even once cancelled when DD couldn't come because she had a birthday party of her friend to go to. I don't want my DD to run after her toddler while we sit there and chat, never expected such when DD was a little child. She can either leave her son with her husband or bring him with her, I don't mind but then she needs to attend to his needs and take care he doesn't get bored.

OP posts:
RangeRider · 07/12/2018 14:53

Pretend DD is coming along then leave her behind (at a party or whatever) and when you arrive just say that at the last minute she didn't fancy it / felt sick etc.

BUormyfriend · 07/12/2018 15:00

@RangeRider - see, I couldn't do it. I hate playing games with people, just can't get over it. I am pretty linear person in that aspect, if I want to meet, I suggest, agree time and date and then attend.
I would also admit first hand that I'm not a very maternal person in the sense that I don't tend to coo over babies, yes, they are adorable and I would hold the baby and engage with it for a minute or two but I prefer having adult conversations instead of keeping children occupied. DD likes small children but also likes engaging in conversation and is rather mature for her age or she just sits and reads a book which is fine by me. And I prefer that for her instead of taking responsibility for someone else's toddler.

OP posts:
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