Argued With my Mother

[BGD2012]

I don't know where to start. I've always had an interesting relationship with my mother, she has mental health issues -but wont admit it, anything that goes wrong is someone else's fault-. I grew up walking on eggshells with her as she couldn't cope with anything that caused stress, this included jobs, friendships, relationships etc. As a child she frightened me when she got stressed and, she would often threaten to do herself in. She would lash out when she got particularly stressed but then at other times could be lovely. I tried to cause her the minimum fuss but her moods made me anxious and I made sure I got to university and left home asap. Fast forward and she is a pretty good grandmother to my kids but has no other outlet apart from her children, despite me encouraging her to attend social groups or yoga classes etc to expand her horizons (She is one of 7 children but has no relationship with any of her siblings). There are still issues and she got hugely upset as I asked her not to meet my oldest son from the school bus a few weeks ago, she kept insisting that she wanted to and I had to be firm. (He is 12 and doesn't want to be met from the school bus). This upset has festered with her and she refused to go to my youngest sons nativity play this week. I was furious with her and told her that she is unreasonable and puts a cloud over every Christmas. I asked her to leave and have not spoken to her since. It isn't about the play, I just feel that I snapped over having to deal with this behaviour continuously. Has anyone been through a similar situation? I feel guilty.

Well done for putting the boundaries in place and sticking up for your older son. It's her loss if she wants to sulk.

My mother is similar. I just let her sulk and eventually she gets over it once she realises I'm not falling over myself to apologise. I did enough pandering to her feelings growing up.

I agree, well done for sticking up for yourself and putting your foot down. You are in control.
Growing up in this environment is damaging enough you don't want to subject your children to it also. Take care and keep doing what you're doing and DON'T let her make you feel guilty.

My father is the same.
He’s about to depart on a very luxurious holiday with my step mum and when I said enjoy your hols, he just raised his eyebrows.... it’s like it’s another stressful thing for him.
I grew up walking on eggshells too, never quite knowing what it was gonna be like coming home.
I left at 18 too.
I had a big argument with him last week as I corrected his version of events but like everything with him it’s my fault or somebody else’s.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard him admit fault just push blame.
We re falling out more now that I’ve reached my 40s and him late 60s as I just can’t be listening to negative thoughts any longer.
My mother and he ruined/snatched my childhood at 7yrs old and I’ve put up long enough.
It will end badly one day though because I won’t back down.
It’s very sad that their this way and cannot see it

I'm a similar age Gohackyourself and my mother has constantly played the victim. I've got to the point where I have had enough. Its put a shadow over Christmas but then she does that most years. She never hosts Xmas dinner but moans that nobody ever thinks of her (my siblings and I ensure she is never on her own for Xmas). She slammed the phone down on me last Xmas Day as we were running slightly late for tea at my sisters, she forgets that I have young kids and was doing a 80 mile round trip (and my sister was not remotely bothered as it was a relaxed buffet). Families!

My father hates Xmas, alledgely it’s because my mother left him in January..... bear in mind this was 33 years ago and he’s been remarried 27 .... I can’t get my head round it.
He breathes negativity all through December especially.
Drives me bonkers.
January is the worst though:-( no help to you at all but completely understand you

Thank you for your comments. She has so too much time on her hands and will not entertain any attempts to join clubs/classes etc. She is very negative.

Yep mine is worse now he’s retired, spends lots of time dwelling/stewing on own thoughts.
Also my step mother retired this year too and they depress each other.
Some days I’ll get a text about something and it shows their so consumed by whatever thing their both hating, stewing in juices, they’ve forgotten the rest of us are rushing around, living life getting on with it.

Yet they can be v generous and will help out with kids where needed but u kinda have to force/request it, their not lovey dovey gp’s to their grandkids.