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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable over Xmas?

24 replies

2218SB · 07/12/2018 08:21

For the last 19 years my OH and I have moved with the Army, we’ve bought our own home 3 yrs ago 20 mins from his parents, we have 2 children who barely know their grandparents. When we were living away we made every effort to visit and stay and it was always lovely, they sadly never visited us, but since we moved we haven’t seen them more than 10 times, they are always to busy or away etc, they never make the effort to ring or visit. Last year they asked us what the children wanted for Xmas, so we suggested they took them out for the day? Maybe to a theme park or cinema, just basically spend time with them. So lots of fuss from the in laws about what they could do and where they might go... Well it’s not happened, we haven’t seen them in months, they happily post on FB about the other grandkids, yet ours seem to have been forgotten. My children are getting older and are also rather bitter that they don’t seem to care. So how on earth do we approach the phone call when it eventually comes of “what do the boys want for Xmas”??

OP posts:
knittedjest · 07/12/2018 08:27

Just give them a simple gift idea that they can pick up while they are out?

If they don't want to be more involved there's nothing you can do. Unfortunately that's sometimes what happens when you move closer to somebody. It becomes "I will see them next week" because that option is available but next week never comes, it just keeps getting pushed back as other things come up, where if you live further away it's more 'now or never'. That's just life. Shitty but it happens.

Singlenotsingle · 07/12/2018 08:38

You've spent 19 years moving around so they've never had the chance to build relationships with the dc, whereas they know the other dgc much better. It's those early years that are so important. Maybe talk to them? Tell them you want to spend more time with them, make up for lost time, and that the DC are feeling hurt and left out.

Alfie190 · 07/12/2018 08:39

You need to accept it. I a, curious over why your children would be bitter though and suspect it could be coming from you. I say this as my grandmother wanted nothing to do with us as we were all girls but she was interested in my male cousins. I was never bitter though, don't miss what you never had.

Justkeeprollingalong · 07/12/2018 08:59

Are the other grandchildren from your PiL's daughter? Sadly that can make all the difference, especially if they've always lived closer.

itswinetime · 07/12/2018 09:05

Maybe it's as simple as lacking confidence with your children what they like don't like ect. Have you tried being super detailed such as dc 1 would like to go and see x film and the dinner at y restaurant how about we book it on for this date and so on? I know you may feel you shouldn't have but until the barrier is broken and they start building confidence you don't have much choice

thecatsthecats · 07/12/2018 09:13

I 100% back that any negative feelings kids have will be coming from your own ill-feeling. Children simply do not miss what they never had.

I didn't have anything much of a relationship with my maternal grandparents. We saw them 3-4 times a year for short visits, they never came to see us.

SassitudeandSparkle · 07/12/2018 09:20

Sorry OP but I agree with the previous posters - 19 years is a long time to be away, I can see that you visited but it's not going to be the same as someone they have lived close to all that time. What about your parents, do your children see them?

Original poster
2218SB · 07/12/2018 09:23

No bitterness from me, my eldest son is in school with his cousin who is the same age, they both have ADHD although the cousin has a multitude of other issues they just don’t get on , since he started at the school the cousin has spent so much time telling my son he’s aged by the grandparents that’s why they don’t see him etc we’ve approached his mother my husbands twin and she won’t have it that he’d son could say such things., 🙄 he’s nearly 15.. old enough to see us making the effort to call in and be turned away because they have visitors or are just off our shopping etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
2218SB · 07/12/2018 09:24

Sadly my dad died 13 yrs ago but my mum and her partner visit every month and call almost daily to see how they have done at school etc

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 07/12/2018 09:37

For your actual question why dont you just answer with something that they want rather than try to force a relationship that isnt there

musicmaiden · 07/12/2018 09:40

As far as the present thing goes, I would suggest actual gifts the children would like that they can pick up pretty easily.

There isn't much you can do about the lack of contact except, as the PP said, talk to them about it directly and ask if they would be willing to build more of a relationship with you.

Tinkobell · 07/12/2018 09:47

At least they do have the courtesy to actually ring and ask what your kids might like.....that's being considerate isn't it?

teaorwine · 07/12/2018 09:50

I disagree that the children are picking up their bitterness from their mother. I live 100 miles from my large family, one member of my family might visit once every 18 months, we visit every 8 weeks and our kids ask me every time why their aunts don’t visit them... how come some of their cousins have never seen our house?
Kids see and try to understand what’s in front of them.
I tell them that often when you move away people expect you to visit, and that’s just how it is.
I agree about the impact of building the relationship when they’re younger. also maybe there’s an impact of the other grandchildren being their daughters kids. My dm has worked hard to build a r’ship with my brother’s kids as his wife took them to see her parents and he for the first few years didn’t prioritize bringing them to see her (my dm doesn’t drive). Dm expected my sil to bring them, and had to be reminded of who she took us to see as kids - her dm unsurprisingly.

Witchend · 07/12/2018 09:52

I think it's difficult. I know you said that you saw them whenever they could, but I know my cousins were army and we'd (and my gran) see them perhaps twice a year when they were based in England, once a year if Europe and less often if further afield. The only times they saw more of them was the two years when they were only based up the road, and by then the children were at boarding school so it was holidays only.

That's perhaps seeing them 30 times in 19 years. We lived 300 miles from Gran and would have seen her around 150+ times in that time. My grandparents who lived down the road we'd have seen upwards of 1000 times.

I think 15yo is difficult for a "take them out for the day". They don't want to be taken out by that age, they want to go with friends. And what do they want to do? My parents love my dc dearly but would not want to taken them round a theme park, and cinema is not really a place for bonding. And depending on the age/interests of the second finding a place they're both interested in may be tricky.

Calling daily to see how they've done at school, unless there is something big on, is unusual. I speak to my parents once a week, usually email once a week, and extra phone calls/emails.

Rather than say "do something". Give them a guide. They don't know your dc so they're probably worried about getting it wrong. Say to them dc1 would like to go to the cinema to see XXX when it's out. Friday nights are best for us, can you make x date?
Dc2 would like to have an experience day. Can we make a day of it? Would x date suit you?

DontCallMeCharlotte · 07/12/2018 10:08

the cousin has spent so much time telling my son he’s aged by the grandparents that’s why they don’t see him

I'm sorry, I don't actually understand what this means? Mind you I have got a headful of cold so it might be blocking the comprehension neurons!

I understand your suggestion last year about an experience, but I think unless you actually specify one, these things often don't happen. Maybe just tell them what your children actually want - the children will be happier I would think rather than being forced to spend time with people who barely know them (although cinema is a good call as they wouldn't actually have to speak!).

SassitudeandSparkle · 07/12/2018 10:21

I was also wondering what the 'aged by the grandparents' meant, possibly a typo!

chocatoo · 07/12/2018 10:32

Ask them to combine with the money they didn’t spend on the day out that never happened and buy an annual pass for somewhere? Then they might come with?

usernamealreadytaken · 07/12/2018 10:33

I assumed the "aged" was probably some kind of autocorrect/typo failure for "hated".

sockunicorn · 07/12/2018 10:39

money. and then you put it in their banks.

usernamealreadytaken · 07/12/2018 10:48

My MIL lives 250 miles away and DCs have only seen her probably around a dozen times in their lives. FIL lives 15 miles away and we see him pretty much weekly, but DCs are as fond of Granny as they are Grandpa because we speak fondly of her. Parents really do model the behaviour.

CloserIAm2Fine · 07/12/2018 10:51

It is hard, but I think it’s natural if the other grandkids live closer

Both sets of my grandparents are much closer to the grandkids they saw all the time growing up, whereas I saw them two or three times a year.

Twisique · 07/12/2018 10:56

Cash, they want cash! Grin

We have the same issue and the children no longer care. They have moved on. FIL once said that we couldn't visit the week before Christmas as they were saving it for friends and family. Ho hum.

Original poster
2218SB · 07/12/2018 11:15

Sorry not aged, hated.

OP posts:
RollerJed · 07/12/2018 11:24

Why didn't you move closer to your family?

It sounds as though they just don't know the GC, and a relationship has to be made not demanded.

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