To be so mad that some people seem to get it so easy

[ByeThen]

On Facebook earlier (not friends!!) a woman plastering all over Facebook about not knowing who the father is to her children and others commenting as if its a joke. Honestly the comments were absolutely disgusting, it would have been at home on the Jeremy Kyle show.

Then there is me, pretty normal, nice home, great husband, stable job, would never dream of treating a child the way these people were talking and I'm suffering from recurrent miscarriage.

I'm ashamed to admit this is 100% a pity party thread and that it's made me so fucking mad that some people get what they don't deserve so easily yet others struggle. And yes, I'm jealous. I'm so bloody envious that someone like that can have children yet here I am stuck in this vicious circle.

I'm sorry for your losses.

I've been trying for over a year and it's crushing on every level to see others having babies so 'easily'. Totally understand.

A friend even accidentally fell pregnant while on the pill; while I'm genuinely pleased for her, naturally there's a part of me that wonders why it can't be that easy for me, and what I've done/doing wrong.

I think the hardest aspect is staying positive, it seems like such a cliche but for me I have to hold that vision of cradling a big huge baby bump, and when it does happen I'll be enjoying every second knowing how much it means.

I completely understand- a girl whose due date was something like 5 days after mine and almost suffered a miscarriage at the same time as I was going through it continued to mistreat her body and ignore lots of guidelines and recommendations throughout the pregnancy.
I was also very annoyed and upset when she'd moan about everything that was hard in the pregnancy because to me it was a bit like "well at least you are pregnant".
I'm now a little better and don't think "why do they get to experience that joy and I don't" anymore but I do still resent them a little.
I'm very sorry for your losses and I hope that your future holds good things x

I'm sorry

But the key here is seem to. You don't know if the bluster and jokes are to cover something else. Most people have had their fair share of shit.

It's comments on FB, not to the child's face.

So do you think you deserve a Baby more, because you are married with a stable job? Pity your not living in times gone by, she'd have hers taken off her and given to the likes of you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

You have no idea what is going on behind the scenes. Facebook is a fallacy and everything should be taken with a pinch of salt.

On the surface I look like I live a charmed life. People comment how lucky I am all the tine. Only a handful of people truly know the terrible things I've been through.

It's bloody unfair!!

The gist of it was that she (woman on my FB) had had an affair with a man. They are now together but he has decided to go back to his ex. So now the woman on my Facebook is declaring that her son is probably his because she'd be sleeping with him behind her back for 2 years (so Ha! basically). All the while, the man who the children believe to be their father is having to go through court to get access to them.

It's disgusting. The man in question has 5 children, he never sees any of them. One of my actual friend's has his eldest son from when we were younger and he's never seen or paid a penny for him.

Its just bloody unfair that people like this go round having babies they have no intention of caring for yet others who so desperately want that struggle.

These are adults too!! Grown mothers and fathers. It's vile. I've never thought of myself as better or more deserving than anyone else but those people truly don't deserve the children they've created. It's sickening.

Birdsgottafly no that isn't what I'm saying. My point about having a stable job was saying that I have the means to look after a child yet I don't seem to be able to have one. I'm not saying she doesn't, my point is that it doesn't matter what you do, or how many things you do 'right', life is just unfair.

And yes, the man in question who has 5 children he never sees, I would say many many people are more deserving of children than him.

I don't know how old you are, but sometimes it's that the women to whom you refer are a) much younger and more fertile and b) more active in that department...

I do tend to agree, having had the same issues. Where I live there have been two recent cases - dreadful cases - involving the boyfriends of the mothers' babies. What the hell are some young women doing dating - nay, having men resident in the house when they have new babies? Leaving someone else's baby with them?

Life isn't fair - if only it could be.

Life’s shit

Hi OP. I'm so sorry about your losses, I know first hand the pain and devastation this causes. Have you had investigations done yet? I'm just asking because if you haven't found a cause with you have your DH tested for sperm DNA fragmentation. That is what was causing the issue with us. The test cost £400 and was recommended by a consultant at the CRGH on Great Portland Street. Despite DH having an excellent sperm count he had very high DNA fragmentation. After two months of lifestyle changes and supplements I got pregnant again and am now 34 weeks. It may not be this for you but often the NHS just looks at the woman when causes can be attributed to the male partner as well.

I really hope that by this time next year you are cradling the baby bump you desire. Best of luck to you.

It's very hard, for some people it's more visible what they crave in life- be it their health, a child, money, for others they may look like they have everything but I think for many people there is something they are craving for and obsess over as "the thing" that would finally give them complete happiness. I think it's human nature, I know not for everyone, but if anyone had a pill that made us completely content with the lives we had I'm sure they'd be a billionaire! I'm sorry you're going through a hard time.

So sorry for what you’re going through infertility and pregnancy loss is hell, an all consuming hell. It doesn’t help when people are saying have you tried this, that or the other, like it’s your fault your not doing it right! It can easily and almost inevitably lead to what have I done to deserve this” thoughts. So when you see someone so flippant and Ill prepared for a child it just compounds feelings of injustice. It’s completely natural. Grief affects thought processes. Please be kind to yourself, you are entitled to your feelings, don’t let anyone invalidate them but maybe start to write down how you’re feeling and alternative views, but do it whilst being kind to yourself.

Shepherdspieisminging it's not the fact the children were born in that situation. It's the comments. I can't put some of them on here because it's outing but it was all one big joke to them. Putting pictures where they'd photoshopped the children's faces onto this guy etc...

And I think that is horrible. When it's a situation that some children really struggle with to make a joke out of it to everyone.

And fine, she may not have said it to her children's faces, they aren't old enough, but I know if I found out people were making comments like that about me on my mother's Facebook (if she had it) then I would be heartbroken especially when it's already likely to be confusing for them.

Yes it’s very hard for children born in such circumstances. I understand your anger and pain and it does seem unfair because you could probably offer so much more to an infant.
That’s said, you won’t realise it now as you’re hurting too badly but you probably do have a better life despite the miscarriages. You have a stable, loving relationship, self respect and most of all hope. Your friends life doesn’t sound easy at all. It sounds complicated, chaotic, unstable and lonely. Poor children.
Don’t lose hope. My youngest was born after three second/third trimester disasters. She is a beautiful young women now and the pain has turned to joy (but the memory of the pain remains).

I know I'm angry and it probably does cloud the way I see things.

It's just so upsetting seeing people who don't seem to appreciate what a gift having a child is. A gift that not everyone gets to experience and that some people are happy just to waste. It's so infuriating.

I understand what you're saying, OP. Facebook is often a front and people only post the good things on there, like pregnancy announcements, and things like you describe mainly for attention. I have had a crap few years but not everyone knows everything that has happened and some may think my life is peachy.

Life is cruel - I am so very lucky in that I seem to fall pregnant easily, and I am cuddling my gorgeous baby boy right now. However, my first baby boy was premature and died shortly after birth. I have never felt pain like it and, although I was already a compassionate person, it made me see things from a different point of view. I was angry at the world and angry that people who don't seem to care that much about having children etc have them with no problems and then treat them badly. I'm so sorry for your losses, I've realised over the past 18 months that there are positives in every situation and that other people don't matter. Let them live their lives in whatever disorganised way they please, but enjoy yours. Hopefully good things will come and you'll only appreciate them more. Think about what you'll be able to give your child when you have them and how different their life will be compared to those who perhaps aren't as lucky to have a parent like you

I'm sorry to hear about your recurrent mc. I've been there.

But it really isn't a good idea to follow your impulsive feelings of anger down the path of looking down on others and thinking yourself more deserving because you meet more closely the criteria to social acceptability. The comments you describe sound awful, but FB is all sound and fury and bears very little resemblance to reality. Thinking that you will be protected if you 'do everything right', or that you are owed some kind of cosmic justice, is behind a lot of the contempt and aggression towards particular social groups that we have in our society and it doesn't take anyone down a good route. Even the Bible knew that 'God's rain falls on the just and the unjust'.

I wish you all the very best in whatever you decide to do going forward. I presume you're having all the tests available? What I found through my six mcs is that while potential factors were discovered, the 'cause' often remains nebulous. Which is hard, but also means that hope remains.

Life is not fair. A friend of a friend has just been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, aged 29, having never smoked apart from maybe the odd few puff in her teens/early twenties (like most of us!). Meanwhile my nasty grandfather who smoked thirty a day since he was about 12 lived well into his nineties and died peacefully in his sleep.

I get pregnant very easily and I don't want any more babies. A friend of mine is desperate for a big family and has had several rounds of unsuccessful IVF.

Life is random. You will not feel better by feeling angry that other people have it easier. It will not solve anything. And we know nothing about their lives, really, or what else they might have been through. I guarantee that anyone appearing on the Jeremy Kyle show will have had very few opportunities in life and will have had an upbringing similar to the one they are now giving their children.

OP, we tried for DC for 10 years and watched some friends have 4 DC whilst we tried. I had fertility treatment and now have 2 DC. I have had miscarriages. Infertility is perhaps the hardest thing I have ever gone through. During this time you question your very existence. The feelings of jealousy and despair are awful.

However, I am actually now glad I went through this experience. It has made me stronger, I have more compassion, I am wiser and I don't take things for granted. The experience made me a better person.

One day soon you will have your turn and your baby will have a strong, resilient mother.

Thank you

I'm not usually a horrible person. I hate that I'm coming across as thinking I'm more deserving or better than anyone else. It's not what I'm like.

This anger and rage and sadness has twisted me to the point where it infuriates me so much seeing things like that and I become jealous and bitter and admittedly judgemental. Though I suppose you're right, you don't know what else is going on or what they want out of life but don't have.

It changes your perspective on everything. Years ago, before any of this, I would have scrolled past and thought 'poor kids' and that's it. Now I want to shake them and scream at them to not take it for granted.

@ByeThen You aren't coming across as a horrible person at all. You seem like you're a lovely person and just want nothing more than your own baby. You aren't alone in your feelings when you see others with children it doesn't seem they deserve.

I would never want anyone to struggle having children but it seems life picks people at random and it's often the nicest people. The saying 'bad things happen to good people' seems to ring true in a lot of cases.

Keep your head held high. Enjoy what you have and be positive about the future. I hope that you get everything you wish for