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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for help with dp addiction

11 replies

wonderwoo · 06/12/2018 22:56

Posting here because I have tried the addiction topic and got no replies.

My dp is a recovering alcoholic/addict and he has been abstinate many years. He suffers with anxiety and depression and about a year ago went on antidepressants.

A few weeks ago he deliberately took too many (a LOT too many) for four days. He is very clear that he wasnt trying to harm himself but was looking for a high. He was honest after that and stopped, went back to his normal dose. I was shocked he did it, and am angry/upset that he did it whilst caring for our ds alone one of the days. I dread to think what cpuld have happened and its a sign of how out of control he was

But I am worried. This hasnt just happened out of nothing. To me, this is a sign that things in his life need to change, and he needs to put more into his recovery. He agreed with this, and gave me all the promises about what he was going to do to make changes i.e. more meetings, start 12 steps again, meet with sponsor, self care and exercise.

But so far all he has done is one extra meeting and met with his sponsor once and it's been three weeks now. I feel like he is minimising what happened and i am scared it will happen again.

He is very clear with me that it wasnt a relapse because he didnt go out seeking illegal drugs or pick up alcohol. Apparently its different because it was prescription drugs prescribed for him.

I feel very alone with this. No one to talk to. I want to believe everything is going to be OK but its knocked my trust in him and the fact that he doesnt seem to have really made any changes worries me greatly. (To be fair, he is actually making a real effort at home with me and the kids, but this will not keep him well, will it).

Not sure what I am after here really. Does anyone have any experience/advice they can offer? Thank you.

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 06/12/2018 23:00

Has anyone explained to him the potential side effects of an overdose of anti depressants? They wont make him high but they can make him ill. Taking too many is considered a type of self harm rather than addictive behaviour, so can you talk to his GP?

Are you able to leave? If things get unbearable, do you have the resources to leave him?

UhUhUhDennis · 06/12/2018 23:01

God leave him. Don't leave him alone with your children either.

Hoopaloop · 06/12/2018 23:06

So he has a slipup after a long period of success and it's LTB? Come on....

wonderwoo · 07/12/2018 23:25

I did wonder about that too upstart. But he is adament that the reason he did it was to do with looking for a high. He certainly wasnt high from it; it had a massive sedative effect, but I suppose the drive to take it was fuelled by the search for a mind altering effect.

We have been to his GP. At the time were told to go straight to a&e to make sure his heart was okay. Luckily it was. GP seems to accept that is was addictive behaviour and not self harm.

He was full of remorse originally but then basically did nothing to change for three weeks. With the benefit of hindsight, i can see that this has been coming a long time now. I feel very strongly that there are changes that need to be made if his recovery is to continue. I am scared that if he carries on as he is, he will end up picking up drink/drugs again. I challenged him on that the other day, and now he has done a couple of meetings but I am worried he has only made that effort because of me and not because he feels he needs/wants to do it for himself. He argued with me when I challenged him and seemed amazed that i felt he wasnt doing enough. There seemed a lot of denial there.

I cannot get over the position he put our dc in that day and I havent seen much in his reaction since that reassures me that it will never happen again. I feel like i cannot trust him now. I suppose i just have to wait and see what direction he goes in from here.

He is a good man. He loves his kids deeply and he has never done anything like this before since being in recovery. I am not leaving him over one incident. But I am scared and confused and feel very alone with this.

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 07/12/2018 23:30

Have you been to al anon? They’d be brilliant at helping you navigate through this

LEDadjacent · 07/12/2018 23:40

He is very clear with me that it wasnt a relapse because he didnt go out seeking illegal drugs or pick up alcohol. Apparently its different because it was prescription drugs prescribed for him.

I have a friend in recovery and they would see this very differently. I think the PP's advice about going to Al Anon is wise.

WinterfellWench · 07/12/2018 23:45

@hoopaloop

So he has a slip up after a long period of success and it's LTB? Come on....

Classic mumsnet reaction.

if a woman (with an addiction) had slipped up, and fallen off the wagon, she would have had nothing but support and back slaps, and 'aww sweetie it will be ok, you're brave, you're amazing' bawled over the thread. And God help her partner/husband if he got pissed off about it. She would have been told to leave HIM for being 'unsupportive!' Typical double standards that I see all the time on here.

wonderwoo · 08/12/2018 07:53

I will look into al anon. Thank you.
I did briefly look at it last week but as he hasn't picked up a drink, I wasn't sure if it was for me.

My big issue is trust. I dont trust that he is really taking this seriously. I dont trust that the meetings he has been to this week are because he knows his recovery is in danger rather than because i told him he is in danger of losing us if he doesnt deal with this.

OP posts:
ThisTooShallPassInTime · 08/12/2018 08:04

This may seem odd topic, but have you thought of going to Relate for marriage counselling?

It sounds like he’s got the addiction support side sorted (as in he’s got a group and a sponsor) but what about you and your support needs? Having counselling together would help you set firm guidelines and also get your side across and deal with the fall out from his actions.

You can’t just fix the addict, you have to fix their relationships with those around them too to really love forward.

Sending you Flowers as horrible situation.

ThisTooShallPassInTime · 08/12/2018 08:09

*off topic, not odd topic.

smurfy2015 · 08/12/2018 08:59

Flowers Its hard to watch an addict who has blinkers on in some respects, Im going to make an assumption, that when he was seeking his "high", that was all he could think about as he built up to taking them, how great it was going to be, how good it would make him feel (probably invincible), that's the addict brain in action hence my description of blinkers.

Seeking the high he rationalised that it wasnt illegal or alcoholic, so it was going to be just "this one time", This was prescription drugs but to get the sought after high, he was using them not as prescribed. So same as illegal, as when he would run out of the prescription, if it had given the high, I am willing to guess he would "lose prescriptions", going on holiday etc to try and get replacements,

Meanwhile his body esp his brain will be "all over the place" with neurotransmitters which influence mood etc. So with the "seeking the high dose being a lot", he was probably taken off them for a couple of days by which point depends on the medication he may have started to feel withdrawal symptoms and a circle can go from there.

He may not be linking in and engaging with AA because he knows he isn't following his steps and that even for theory sake as a step backwards for now, recovery isn't a straight line. There are backward steps, side steps and the glorious forward steps, there is no finish line either.

Can your GP refer him to the local addiction services - for example, my area is overseen by a psychiatrist team who call the shots, the nurse practitioners review people monthly more often if needed.

If he is struggling and missing the effects of alcohol, drugs/meds to produce that high, they can prescribe different antidepressants that will dampen that down. There are alternative therapies as well - a harm reduction agency close to me offers counselling (not alternative but just came to mind) and auricular acupuncture (it hits the areas in the ear that correspond to addiction centres in the brain)

How do I know this? I spent 18m working in a rehab centre as a support worker, I then moved to a mh support job where I worked part office based, part resource centre based and part street-based, my service users often had multiple difficulties inc addiction to various substances.

A couple of years in before I became chronically ill and was medically retired.

I met my partner, who on our first date dropped the bombshell that he had a past and was in recovery, he had been addicted to cannabis, later opium by buying flowers a lot, codeine, benzodiazepines, poppers, uppers, downers and a lot more, the previous year he managed to engage for 2 weeks with local addiction unit while he detoxed and change of lifestyle, he has now been clean for over 12 years (bar one relapse) and is still in recovery, he sees the NP/addiction psych every month and has to provide a urine test under supervision each time.

Once the urine is shown to be clear, only then will the chemist give him his dose of Subutex and that's a supervised dose, so they have to check its dissolved and then his take-home doses. It is only this year he has gone to once a week pick up, at the beginning it was daily, bar Sundays.

I've been with him over 10 years now, he had one bad relapse back about 5 years ago, he started injecting his prescribed medication, each time he did it, it was the last time, he had a bad day, he needed to get the best out of the dose. I called intervention, as I blew up at him and he had picked up his phone to call his parents to come and collect him. I grabbed landline and asked them to come in, the secret was out. He was stunned they knew and that we had all been waiting for rock bottom to hit, they informed the addiction service who stepped in with intensive support and more tests, tighter controls. He hated me for several days but I think his mum told him to cop himself on, none of us was going to watch him destroy himself bit by bit without intervening and that enabling him wasnt going to help him. No sympathy at all for him and with tough love, he has been on the straight and narrow since.

Use all avenues you have and Al-Anon for support.

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