Sorry, I know this is really long but I really need some advice.
I think I'm in a relationship with a narcissistic abuset and have been for the last 11 years, I've become isolated from all my family and friends over the years, my parents and brothers basically disowned me because they did not like him from day one and now I've found myself isolated and over the last few years i have started to notice another side to him, like jekyll and Hyde. The problem is, I think I've been gaslighted by him so much over the years that I don't know whether the things he makes me upset and angry over are even true or whether I am just over reacting. I started writing the arguments down after they happened so that I would know for sure it's true, but It's like I still doubt myself. This prevents me from ending the relationship and trying to salvage things with my family. And I guess what I'm asking you guys for is your opinions, am I being dramatic and over reacting?
The latest incident, I have been wanting to put the lights on the Christmas tree and three days ago he was supposed to bring the extension lead in from the garage, he said he couldn't be bothered and would do it the next day, I said okay no problem. The next day he worked a 5 hour shift, and after work I asked him to bring the lights in, he said he would do it in a bit, again I said okay. I meanwhile cooked his tea and then reminded him again about the extension lead and he said he'd do it in a bit. After tea, he asked where dessert was, I asked him if he would go and get the extension lead first because it's getting late and he just said no I'm not doing it now I can't be bothered. I said I've been asking you since last night, he started shouting how he's been working (he works 3 or 4 days a week) and that he doesn't have to do it if he doesn't want to, and said go and get it yourself (the garage doors broke and he knows I can't lift it, plus I'd just cooked tea and cleaned and washed up all while he sat down playing fifa and watching football). I started getting annoyed and told him the next time he asks me to do something for him he'll get the same response, he just said he didn't care.
The next day I was still annoyed so I didn't speak to him and he didn't speak to me. After a minor disagreement over the fish tank that morning, which involved me telling him over the last few weeks that there was an issue with the heater and him telling me it was fine, he decided to tell me that day there was a problem with the heater, and when I said I'd told him that the last few weeks, he started saying "YOU are a liar" and no matter what I said he just kept repeating it over and over that I'm a liar. I don't lie, I'm known for being a bit too honest if anything. I then asked him why he had to make such an issue out of getting the extension lead in and he got really close to my face and looked me in the eyes and said "Because I didn't want to do it, because I didn't want to do it" and kept repeating himself over and over about 5 times, and he does this regularly in arguments and it really freaks me out, it's a bit like Jack Nicholson in the shining and it just leaves me feeling confused and wondering what the hell just happened.
The rest of the day we ignore each other, inside I'm fuming at being told so coldly that he just didn't want to do it, again and again and again, I've never experienced anything like this, the coldness and callousness of him.
A few days ago he tripped over a box that had just been delivered by the postie and he started shouting saying how he's always tripping up over my things and I just said to him he should open his eyes and look where he's going then, as that is what he says to me when I trip over something of his and he turned round and said "Shut up, you nobody". I've never been called a nobody so it really throws me like I don't know what to say back to it.
After an argument he will literally leave me upset for days on end and do nothing to try and resolve it even though the vast majority of the time, the argument started over a promise he broke or over him shouting or being nasty. He just leaves it and then tries to talk to me like nothing happened, and I can't work like that. I need to know he's sorry for what he said and that he won't say it again, but instead he just ignores it and when I bring it up I get called morbid and a cry baby, he mock cries when I cry because of something he did to upset me and will call me a shit bag and a wimp and morbid. When I'm none of those things, I'm normally really happy until he treats me like crap. And it is really like he feeds off making me unhappy, he's happy when I'm unhappy. I don't eat for days sometimes because I'm so upset and feel anxious, but he doesn't care cos he can still eat so it doesn't affect him. I never had anxiety once before I met him, now panic attacks are pretty regular.
The extension lead is not a massive thing I know, but it's the hurtful things he says like he just doesn't care about me and like I don't matter. He will do anything he can to get out of taking any responsibility for anything he's done wrong. I could literally be standing in front of him crying, begging for him to stop torturing me by repeating himself and let me speak and get my point accross and he will tell me I need locking up, I need mental help, he's convinced me I'm crazy with all kinds of conditions over the years. He puts his earphones in when he knows I've got a valid point during an argument so he doesn't have to listen to it and it drives me insane.
Another example of a recent incident. My friends mum died a few days ago and I was telling him about it as we were catching up because we'd not spoken much the day before due to work and he turned round and said God all you do it talk, it's the morning. Who says that when you've just told him your 32 year old friend has just lost her mum? It's like he's got no feelings whatsoever and there is literally loads of examples that are much worse I could give you but I would be here all day, I just wanted to go over the recent things and get some opinions because my head is all over the place and I literally don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him and telling him how it makes me feel but the response is always the same, that I'm over reacting, I'm a drama queen, and that he doesn't give a shit if it upsets me because it wouldn't upset any one else, only me because I'm not normal so why should he apologise.