What’s going on with my dd?

[Stepawayfromthecakes]

Hello, I haven’t posted before but I’m at the end of my tether.

My dd is 10. She’s always been quite feisty but I’ve been able to handle her. Recently though, things have taken a bit of a nose dive and I can’t see what’s different.

Shes having explosions of anger, usually directed at me, generally over little things maybe because I tell her it’s bed time or to turn her tv down. This morning it was because she couldn’t plait her dolls hair. She called me ugly, tells me I look like a pig. This is really out of character as she’s quite a kind girl. I try to be supportive, I’ll do ‘girls shopping trips’ with her, she just taken another karate exam, I’ll be at her school concert next week. I am firm with her as well though. Out of me and dh, I’m the one whose the disciplinarian . I’ve got a DS with ASD aged 14. He is high functioning and is a gentle soul. I had her assessed when ds was dx, she is nt. she’s also developed an obsession about hand washing. I’ve got no idea why and neither does she. Her hands a raw with too much washing. I’ve been into school to see her teacher, they can’t understand it either as she’s as good as hold in school. My dh has been working abroad for much of this year and dd found it very hard. He’s back in the uk now but away in the week and home at weekends.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t live near my family and I have no support with my dcs, never have. I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong. It’s feels like she trying to bully me, trying to take control. Tbh I’m a bit scared of her. Help.

My DD is nine (tall too, in age 12/13 clothes) and her mood swings and anger are off the scale recently. She’s always been a lovely girl, bright, articulate , committed and kind but now it’s a guess to how she will react to anything. I’m guessing it’s puberty and it can’t be over soon enough. You aren’t alone xxx

Oh cakes, you sound done in. You've got so much on and so little help! You're doing amazingly... maybe let up on yourself a bit too, see if there's any way your husband can work nearer home more or if the money he's making from doing so could pay for some relief care for your dad? You can't pour from an empty cup xx

I'm sure your DD will be OK - she's got a loving mum!

She was a difficult toddler, temper tantrums etc and it feels like that again. She very funny and very articulate.

See that is so unfair for you, my DD was an angel as a baby/toddler and is now like a little hell demon , but I knew I was in for it when she was a teenager because she was too good as a little girl. .

I would also say puberty, my DD started with it all without any outward signs at about 9. You need the biggest box of unending patience you can find, but you also need to be strong and discipline (not shout, although this is hard) and not let her be rude/nasty to you or others. Lots of boundaries and bucket loads of love and patience.

I think it's definitely worthwhile taking her to see the GP.

Also please bear in mind autism presents very differently in girls so it is possible to have two autistic kids whose behaviour is very different to each other. A lot of girls aren't assessed until puberty hits as their autism and anxiety is suddenly much more evident then. I've read posts on here saying a girl was assessed quite young and told no, but at puberty re-assessed and had a definite dx. Please just keep that in the far recesses of your mind.

That aside, she's still presenting with enough traits of different-enough behaviour to warrant investigation.
Excessive hand-washing sounds like severe anxiety maybe even OCD.
Defiance, need for control, Have you heard of PDA?
www.pdasociety.org.uk/families/strategies
Anger and meltdowns, see Ross Greene's book 'The Explosive Child' and his website Lives in the Balance

Whilst you're waiting for help, I'd definitely try the techniques on the above sites and in the book to see if any of them work for her.
The diagnostic names don't matter at this precise moment, finding things to make her and your lives easier do.