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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send this child a Christmas present?

20 replies

BoswellIsAKnob · 06/12/2018 09:26

My sister lives at the other end of the country to me. For the last four or so years, she has been in a relationship with a man who has a teenage daughter (my sister also had teenage children from a previous relationship).

Her partner and his daughter moved into my sister's home but things have been tricky as the kids don't get on. Partner's daughter has been dealt a difficult hand in life - her mother is (by all accounts) an unreliable alcoholic, who drifts in and out of her life. And her dad has his own issues although he is a good man and loves her.

We haven't seen them all that much because of the geographical distance, but have welcomed them into our family.

Now they have split up - for good, my sister says (we knew that things had been tricky for a while but they were trying to make it work). So these two people, with whom we have no formal ties but who have been part of our family landscape for four years, are not part of the family any more.

I just feel so sad for the girl. She seemed to thrive around the cousins, in the family group, and I don't think she has much family of her own.

WIBU to send her the Christmas present that I've already bought? Not because she desperately wants a gift bag of bath stuff but as a sign that we haven't just dropped her without a backwards glance?

I've asked my sister. She goes back and forth. The girl has obviously caused a lot of trouble in their household (she can undoubtedly be challenging),which has impacted on my niece and nephew, and my sister is angry about that. On the other hand, she is feeling massively guilty about the fact that the relationship breakdown has had a big impact on the girl - having to move out of home etc. In other words, she's flip flopping back and forth, saying yes then no. And part of me thinks should I prioritise doing something nice for this girl even if my sister said she doesn't want me to?

OP posts:

lapetitesiren · 06/12/2018 09:30

It's a nice thing to do. Giving her a gift doesn't affect anything else it might just make her feel valued for herself. She doesn't stop existing because they have split up. It isn't your sisters decision to make.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 06/12/2018 09:34

Send it. It's a really nice gesture. If you feel up for it, include your address in the card and maybe she'll write to you, it could be good for her. Maybe not but at least it might be nice for her to know someone out there is thinking of her.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 06/12/2018 09:36

I think it's a nice gesture, I would go for it.

Perfectly1mperfect · 06/12/2018 09:41

I think you should. Children are often affected the most in these situations yet don't have much choice in what happens. Sending her a gift is a nice gesture, tell your sister that she's a child and like you say, you don't just drop them after years of being part of the family.

Original poster

BoswellIsAKnob · 06/12/2018 09:46

Children are often affected the most in these situations yet don't have much choice in what happens.

This is how I feel and why I would feel really sad just dropping her.

I don't want to upset my sister but I think she will understand in the long run.

OP posts:

NancyDonahue · 06/12/2018 09:48

Please send it. Poor girl

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 06/12/2018 09:54

Yes I would send the gift, with a kind, friendly & sympathetic note for the girl. She may appreciate words of kindness even more than the gift itself

jessstan2 · 06/12/2018 09:57

Do send the gift. It's a really nice, kind thing to do and she will always remember it.

You're a nice person and deserve some and .

ppeatfruit · 06/12/2018 10:01

Yes of course send it. I agree with jessstan

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2018 10:04

Send it. It isn't your sisters decision. I wouldn't send the ex a present but irrespective of what role she played in the decision to break up, she's just a kid who's had a hard life.

Iloveautumnleaves · 06/12/2018 10:06

I don’t think I would for HER sake. It could be a bit of a prod to think again about how she’ll be missing out on seeing the cousins and your family christmas, another prod to feel sad about being excluded from that this year. It would have been different if you were close and you or the kids had kept in touch with her. I think it’s kinder to just let her move forward tbh.

strawberrisc · 06/12/2018 10:19

I would ask your sister. You might not know why they split up. She might want to be NC for a reason.

Zoflorabore · 06/12/2018 10:24

I would send it too op, it's a nice thing to do.
Regardless of the adults situation, this girl is still only a child and the break up will no doubt impact her greatly.
She has not only lost the stability of home life but the extended family who welcomed her. She has lost a lot and I'm sure she would appreciate the gift.

I wouldn't let your sister lead the decision.

ppeatfruit · 06/12/2018 10:28

I think I'd put myself in the child's place and ask how I would feel and bloody send the gift. She's a teenager which makes things worse too, you remember your teenagehood for ever,

Slytherdor · 06/12/2018 10:36

Send it. Your sister is flipping between yes and no, so if it comes up, say you sent it when she had said yes.

JessicaJonesJacket · 06/12/2018 10:39

I'm on the fence.
I think a gift gives an expectation of an ongoing relationship but it doesn't sound as though that is what you're offering. So, unless it's an overture to keeping in contact on a regular basis then I'm not sure that a gift says anything worthwhile. To be blunt, as a family you have all dropped her and it could be cruel/self-serving to suggest otherwise.
Of course, if you plan to build an ongoing relationship with the girl (despite your DSIS' objections and any ramifications that may have on your relationship with your DSIS and your niece) then of course you should send the gift.

Stopwoofing · 06/12/2018 11:07

i'm wondering why your sister would have a problem with you keeping a small relationship going with a child? I think it's nice, but i agree with Jessica that there could be an expectation of an ongoing relationship and it could cause more disappointment in the end if you don't keep it going next year etc. I do think, from my family thinking of the troubled kids, they do have a lot of exposure to dysfunctional family and not much contact with family without major issues and that doesn't help them know how to behave.

Feefeetrixabelle · 06/12/2018 11:19

Send it and explain to your sister she’s a child you have to do the kindest thing by her.

Whyislarryhappy · 06/12/2018 11:25

If its already bought why not?
Not the same thing, but years I bought my bf at the time a gift non refundable for his birthday but he ended it with me few weeks before his birthday. I ha the gift so I still gave it to him...

Original poster

BoswellIsAKnob · 06/12/2018 14:32

Thanks everyone.

I think it's too early to say whether she will have any ongoing relationship with anyone in the family. I don't know the details of the break up. She is friends with my kids on social media but if there's bad feeling between her and my sister's kids then that makes things complicated.

OP posts:

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