I've struggled with several diagnosed mental health issues my entire life, I am also autistic. I'm a mature student at university and I am struggling. I live away at uni but since starting I've been at home more time than I have been their because there have been several horrific family disasters that have required all hands on deck to fix and there have been issues with my student finance that is still in process of being sorted.
I've been ill with asthma almost constantly and my mental health has just plummeted. I can feel myself spiralling. I've reached that spot where I can work because I'm in that sweet spot between manic anxiety and productivity but I'm gonna crash.
I've been so stressed and all over the place things like revision and housework have been slipping and I've been so wrapped up in my own head and my own family I feel like I've just been a really bad friend. I've not been available to help and my friend knows that I'm stressed and there's several difficult situations at home but I struggle to let people in and see me vulnerable. They've been as understanding as anyone can be but there is nothing they can do to help so I don't want to burden them or let them see me upset. Because in my family I can't be upset or broken. It's my job to fix things and keep everything moving while everyone else crumbles.
I need to tell my friend what is going on and that I'm sorry for not being around or there for her as much as I would like or normally be, if for no other reason that she understands that it's nothing to do with her and that we're good, because she's quite sensitive and I don't want her to think that we're not friends or I'm pulling away from her or anything, but because of the way things have been I've had to back out of things like meeting up with her or doing things with her and other friends because my family need to take priority. Her family isn't close and there isn't any ongoing issues that require flexibility or the need to depend on each other with no warning so she doesn't understand how its so easy for me just to drop what I'm doing.
I am aware that for me to do anything or get anywhere in life that this is going to have to change, but it can't change just yet. Things are to frantic at the moment and I can't leave them in the lurch like that for no reason other than my life will be easier if I'm selfish. I need to wait for things to settle before I can clarify what I'm happy and able to do to support them. As a clarification I live at the opposite end of the country to my family while at uni and I've been backwards and forwards every week since starting because they've needed me and mentally I cannot cope with everything anymore.
I'm being pulled in every direction and unable to go where I want because of it. I'm the first in my family to go to uni so they don't understand, but they're so used to me being available to help I'm the first point of call. My cousin who has just started is never called to help out, and only occasionally calls to check in. I call at least every three days to make sure everything is ok and to reassure my mum I am fine. Because she thinks I'm miserable and stressed but they don't understand that is almost entirely down to them and the pressure they're putting me under and not my uni work or demands. I'd be fine if they'd let me breath and live on my own with no demands, like they let my sisters and cousins, but for some reason I am selfish for wanting to live my life for myself and not be at their beck and call all hours. My auntie is dying, my grandpa is ill, my mother has had a mental breakdown because she is caring for them (because her siblings refuse) and my nieces and nephews, my sisters all work multiple low paying jobs due to lack of qualifications so if I'm not around the kids aren't being looked after properly or putting extra stress on my mum. One of sisters is trying to help but she has three jobs, children and grandchildren to take care of, another two sisters are both ill and undergoing treatments in hospital themselves and they're all also trying to support a family friend with terminal cancer. All of which seems far more important than me wanting a degree. Which I understand, because education is not a priority to them, but I'm expected to support them, my mum, their kids and help their kids with school so they can go to uni.
I love them but it's too much and right now all I want to do is grab my passport and my credit and debit cards and get a train/plane/ferry somewhere. Just head to the airport or train station and go and not look back for awhile, it's going to happen, I'm just not sure when.