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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my children have outgrown their nanny?

20 replies

Nannyrama · 05/12/2018 20:49

I work 4 days a week and have a nanny to look after my 2yo DD and pick up/drop off my 5 year old at school. She also does bedtime on a Wednesday and we can have a date night...stay late at work, more like:(

She's a sweet kind nanny, late 20s, not British, who has been with us since older DD was months. She and older DD used to get along super well.

Recently older DD has got very whingy, says she doesn't like the nanny, has a tantrum in the morning when she says eagerly "Is it a mummy day?" And I say no, it's a Gertrude day (not her name!) cue massive screaming. Toddler DD has always been a stroppier character and never bonded in the same way - i don't think that's nanny's fault, I think little DD never wanted anyone but me.

I am always keen to make them be polite at least- you may not want to see Gertrude right now, but you can't be rude and say hurtful things to her, etc.

Gertrude is getting a bit spooked by them both. We see her as part of the family but she seems sad that the girls don't want her or are not affectionate. She then gets upset and takes it personally. (which I understand!)

I think it's because they've both started school and nursery this autumn (little DD is in nursery one day and nanny 3 days me on friday). They are venting at the nanny as they see her as reliable and like a parent. I think she needs to hold her nerve, not take it personally, and read up on ways to bond with older children, suggest some different activities, etc.

I am always ready to hear her let off steam - it's so hard being in sole charge of 2 and not like hanging out with very gentle easy DD1 used to be! I so appreciate her. But it's always problems to me, not any suggestions which can be hard when I am tired after work as well.

What to do? Should I start to think - maybe she hasn't got what it takes to be a nanny for the older ones? Or is it that my children are having separation anxiety and would be a tough job for anyone right now??

So... sorry for long post... tl;dr AIBU to think my nanny should make an effort to change up/improve the relationship with my children ... or should I let her go... or should I just ignore the children's complaints and reassure her, think it'll blow over?

OP posts:

Original poster

Nannyrama · 05/12/2018 22:14

nobody is interested in my boring dilemma it seems

OP posts:

EndofTetherReachedToday · 05/12/2018 22:19

I don’t think they have outgrown her, she sounds like a mother figure to them and, like you say, kids are often nastiest to those they feel secure with. My daughter alllllllways wants her dad because I am the main carer. As soon as she sees me she asks where her dad is (she is 3). So I think it is more about how comfortable they are with her.

It’s a phase. She needs to get over it and just be normal. That’s what I have to do. Also could you fit in more quality time with them? Perhaps they miss you.

Littlebluebird123 · 05/12/2018 22:20

I don't think it's boring but have no experience to share. :/

Bumping for you. I'm sure someone who has a nanny/child minder will share their experiences soon. :)

ellendegeneres · 05/12/2018 22:23

It’s so difficult! If she’s lost heart and the bond is gone, I’d say let her go.

Is a childminder an option for you? One who collects from dd1s school?
My ds2 has an amazing childminder and she’s great with older kids too (she has her own, so communicates with them at their level which is difficult when if you’re like me you’ve only ever dealt with littler ones!)

Lovingbenidorm · 05/12/2018 22:23

Sorry I can’t be much help here. I never had a nanny so no experience of this.
I always considered myself very lucky to be able to be a full time mum (coupled with help from my mum) I’m sure there are pros and cons tho, maybe my dc take me a little for granted in that I’m always there?
If your nanny is doing a good job I reckon you have to support her, don’t let very young dd’s bully her!
Hopefully someone who knows what they’re talking about will be along soon!

MaisyPops · 05/12/2018 22:25

It's not boring at all.
Based on experience with older children lashing out or being stroppy with people they feel comfortable with, I think end might have a point, but that's speculation and anecdote on my part.

I hope it gets resolved.

PippaPug · 05/12/2018 22:29

I’m a Nanny and I don’t think thy have outgrown each other, don’t give up hope yet!

Can your eldest daughter and Nanny have some special one to one days - cinema/let your daughter chose somewhere to go for lunch?

I had this with one of my charges and realised I was always with her younger sibling and so she was jealous of our time together and whenever I had her she was having to do homework/dinner/bed time - no real time for fun, may help!

bbcessex · 05/12/2018 22:32

Hi OP

Sounds very stressful.

What does your nanny suggest? Has she had other nannying experience prior to this?

With a very experienced nanny, you would expect them to guide you through this, and as your nanny has been with your family for a whole, she should have her own insights to share.

Seems strange that both your children are less happy.. has anything else changed?

Truckingonandon · 05/12/2018 22:35

As an aside and not really answering your main question but on a practical note, it wouldn't be as easy as just letting her go, from an employment law perspective.

minipie · 05/12/2018 22:40

Has she looked after pre school and school age children before, or has it always been under 3s? It’s a different sort of role and I think some nannies very much prefer looking after littler ones.

Tbh this I am always ready to hear her let off steam - it's so hard being in sole charge of 2 and not like hanging out with very gentle easy DD1 used to be! I so appreciate her. But it's always problems to me would be enough to make me think the role was no longer right for her. Looking after a 5 yr old (who is at school) and a 2 yr old is really not that hard, frankly. Perhaps she had it very easy with just DD1 - but that was the unusual role, not this one.

I suspect the problem is the nanny doesn’t like the job any more and the DC are picking up on this, rather than the DC having outgrown the nanny.

furrysheep · 05/12/2018 22:42

I think they would be the same with any other nanny once the novelty wore off.
Of course they would prefer to spend time with you. You're their mum, spend less time with them and probably do more 'fun' stuff with them.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 05/12/2018 22:58

I think they just love you more because you're their mum. They feel secure enough around Gertrude to be a bit grumpy and would probably be the same whoever was with them.

Bloominglovely · 05/12/2018 22:59

I went through a similar situation with my two children. She was with us since DC1 was a year old and they got along famously. When DC2 arrived, she bonded with the nanny more than with me as I was so concerned that DC1 would feel left out, I spent ALL my time with DC1.

When I went back to work, things seemed ok for awhile and then DC1 started saying they didn't want Kate (not her real name). In fact, I seem to remember DC1 even saying that Kate had been 'mean' to them which I absolutely disbelieved. Kate was the kindest person I knew and I had worked often enough from home to know what she was like. DC2 adored Kate and cried every evening when she left. I did go through a stage of wondering if Kate wasn't suitable to 'older' children. I didn't do anything other than try my best to support all of them and it gradually all settled down again. I have little doubt that it would have been the same regardless of who had been there. It was just a period in time when DC1 was unsettled and wanted certain people on certain days.

If you trust your nanny and feel she is gentle and kind with your children, I wouldn't dream of replacing her.

Hellywelly10 · 05/12/2018 23:00

Do you think your kids may enjoy a more social environment such as a nursery and after school club? Or even being around other kids at a childminders? What social activites are happening with the nanny?

KitchenFloor · 05/12/2018 23:09

Bit of a daft question but is the school run done exactly the same when you do it and when the nanny does it? My 5yo complains he'd rather have me do things than our au pair but it's to do with mode of transport rather than time with her/me

NoSquirrels · 05/12/2018 23:09

I’d be concerned that the nanny is looking to you to solve a relationship issue she has with the DC.

Of course I’d understand that a) it’s hurtful to her to be rejected and b) it might be worrying to her that you’d assume the DC aren’t being treated well when with her, causing the reaction, but you’ve known her a long time, so the trust is there already, and I’d expect her as a professional to suck up having her feelings hurt.

What are her suggestions to chdnge the dynamic?

Racecardriver · 05/12/2018 23:14

I don’t think the nannny is the issue here. It’s the children. They seem to be having a hard time for some reason and taking it out on her. How do you think they’ll react if you take her away only to replace her with a stranger?

Orlande · 05/12/2018 23:20

If she's been employed by you for 4 or 5 years then you can't just let her go or replace her.

I don't think it's appropriate for the nanny to complain to you about the children though.

Original poster

Nannyrama · 05/12/2018 23:24

Thank you all for helpful advice so far. I feel reasssued as was thinking of some of these points myself.

Yes I am inclined to think they are having separation anxiety due to the new stuff they are doing in life so it's good to hear others have ridden it out. And v good point that changing up the childcare situation might just bring them more instability.

We chatted tonight and decided to do some shared "house rules" with the 5 year old after the Xmas hols so nanny and I are always on the same page with what we all have to do (tidying up etc) so we are as predictable as possible for them. And also to plan some fun stuff for the nanny to do with them (singly and together).

I would personally like her to take the initiative but she is a soft and gentle sort of person who hasn't experience with this age group before - so she's not going to change her character and suddenly come up with solutions, I realise. Her kindness is partly why they love her and why I've felt ok about leaving them with her.

And finally thanks for the reminder on employment law, obvs wouldn't do anything against either letter or spirit of that law - if it came to it, we'd do a change of provision type not just trying to dodgily replace her with a different nanny.

OP posts:

DillyDilly · 05/12/2018 23:36

Maybe the Nanny can’t cope with older children? Are you certain that she is caring and kind to your children when you’re not around ?

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