AIBU to cry that I’ll Never be “fancied” or “chatted up”

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

Quick summary of my life (or this will go on forever).

Overweight all my life.
Crap clothes, bullied, no self confidence.... never had a boyfriend at school/uni/first few jobs.

I’ve lost a lot of weight (but still a size 18).... really helped my mental health, I love clothes, dress well, I swim, I gym.... everyone tells me I look great. I spend time on my hair and my skincare and make up.

But i’m 47.... and I don’t look 23. Yes i’m Married, with 3 lovely children but...

I genuinely don’t think anyone has ever fancied me....(even my DH was drunk when he met me(... I certainly don’t think i’ve Ever been chatted up. I work with beautiful young women and if i’m Out with them, I know i’ve Never had the attention they get.

And i’m Really sorry but I feel really shallow but quite sad.... I didn’t lose weight when I was younger.... and now, no matter how nice my clothes and boots are etc....i’ve Got to accept that the years when people would “fancy” me or “chat me up” are passed and I missed out on them.

I’ve had quite a horrid day today, and this evening this has really hit me hard.

DH might have been drunk when he met you but I doubt he was drunk when he decided he wanted to marry you, and did marry you.

If people are telling you you look great, why not believe them?

I did used to get chatted up occasionally when younger, but ime, it's pretty rare if you're wearing a wedding ring.

OP sending solidarity. I don't have the answers other than to say comparison is the thief of confidence.
Congratulations on the weight loss though!! Maybe the tide is turning and you just don't realise it yet

I was talking to my male friend the other day who trains a lot of women (he's a personal trainer) and he was telling me that even though he's surrounded by 'fit' women in the gym all day often he's attracted to women who carry themselves with confidence. I don't know if he was lying (or what his motivation would be) but he basically said, if a woman has confidence then they're attractive.

I bet your husband would be horrified at you saying this.
This is the bad day talking I bet you look amazing. Stop comparing yourself to younger models, they do the same no doubt.
Focus on what you do have and how fab you are. Life is not over yet no by a long stretch.

How do you know no one has ever fancied you? I've fancied lots of people and never let on for various reasons. It has nothing to do with weight or anything else. Gok was not lying when he said It's all about the confidence.

So, tell me Stickers. Do you come here often?

Chat-up #1 ticked off

But seriously OP judging by your description of yourself and your life you've got something your DH fancies and that others find attractive. Surely Drunk hookup to 3 kids says it all.

Drunk hookup and the the old "don't call me, I'll call you" chat is the sign of not being fancied.

For what it's worth, I have been a size 16 and a size 6 and I had FAR more men interested when I was at my biggest compared to when I was starving myself to be a size 6. (I even had one man ask me what I did to myself after I had lost all the weight) Size doesn't matter, confidence and happiness are the most attractive assets a person can have.

If you aren't happy with yourself then it's easy to feel as though the world is rejecting you but if you focus on your good features (and also the fact that size 18 is not fat) then you will feel good and will radiate good energy that others are attracted to.

I'm 49, and very much doubt I will ever be fancied or chatted up ever again......if you're married and middle aged, opportunity simply doesn't present itself. It's not really about how you look.

Sorry, but you are so wrong, there is nothing more attractive than a confident and experienced woman (in fact we can appear a little scary to potential suitors).

You have lost weight, gone to the gym and swim, you have three beautiful children...you must know you're asking a lot for someone to 'chat you up'? You have achieved a lot, how could they compare with what you have, they can sense that they can't, so they don't bother. Younger women with less life experience are a little easier to impress, and those younger women are striving to get what you have!

My husband proposed whilst drunk, no romance, a mere suggestion. I'm not the best looking, but I am to him and him to me, and I adore him for loving me. I lost a log of weight when I was in my 20's, and I got 'chatted up' a lot, but it was all empty and left me feeling quite sad. Then I met my hubby, who didn't care about my age, my weight etc., he wanted me. And that, my love, is worth more than gold.

So, if you have a happy marriage, don't look back at what you've missed, revel in what you have.

I get where you’re coming from OP - since DD2 was born I feel like I’ve aged about 10 years and feel like no man will look at me and think “Wow”!

However, every time I go out (which is not very often) to places where young, beautiful people go, I thank my lucky stars that I don’t have to bother with all that preening anymore! I mean seriously, the amount of make up & hairstyling, the height of the heels and shortness of skirts/dresses... it just looks like so much hard work, and for what?!

Well done on the weight loss btw, and I bet you look lovely the way you are - your DH must think so anyway, after all he married you!

You don't look 23. Well why would you. That's over twice your age.
Youre married with 2 kids.
Therefore youve obviously turned someones head. Yes he might have Been drunk when you met, but He didn't stay drunk did he.
The way you've titled your thread youd never been kissed. Not that you're married with children.
Hand on the Holy Bible im struggling to sympathise. You've got to count your lucky stars, op.

This has nothing to do with the way you look or your weight but the way you perceive yourself because of last traumas. I too find a history of bullying has tarred my adult life. I'm slim, try and look good and do feel I'm fanciable (on the right day!) but there are times when I've been out and felt invisible next to younger or hotter friends. Sometimes it's because they're all blonde and I'm brunette, sometimes it's because they all have massive boobs and I'm flat chested but equally there are guys that prefer a small chest, glasses and/or freckles. We all have different tastes! What you have is so much more important and many people dream of getting married and having a family and don't get this (including beautiful stunners). I don't think your unreasonable to feel this way but don't dwell on it and do seek therapy if your past really does haunt you that it affects your daily life/happiness.

Thanks everyone - I have wine, chocolate and a cuddly blanket on the sofa to end the bad day.

Sorry, i’m Being very self indulgent- my DH is lovely but he is a very taciturn, non tactile type of guy and the physical side of our relationship has become non existent over the years.

But I need to concentrate on what I have - 3 amazing girls, a solid marriage and a job that I love. I have to wear a Christmas jumper tomorrow and no-one, of any age or hotness, looks fanciable in those...!

Everyone’s got things they are a little sad or regretful about and I think it’s ok to feel a little sorry for yourself from time to time. The important thing is that you can still appreciate the good things in your life such as your girls, husband and job.

Well done on losing weight.

This isn’t about your age, or how you look, it’s about what you think.

You will have been fancied and chatted up, you just won’t have noticed because you are convinced it can’t happen, so your brain will have dismissed it as something else.

If you went out feeling good about yourself, you would notice how people respond. It’s called confirmation bias.

You need to sort things with your DH, you deserve a physical relationship, and to feel good about yourself, and he should want to make you feel that way. Don’t sell yourself short!

Is it people in general that you think don't fancy you, or your DH? Maybe you need to speak to him about how you are feeling? It sounds like you are not getting what you need from the relationship.

I guess it’s everyone.... although as DH is so undemonstrative maybe it’s him too. I work part time and sometimes when i’m Heading home from work I see him running.... and I spot him from about 0.5 miles away - I know that’s him. I know his gait, his cadence, just his silhouette, his running kit..... I can spot him a million miles away as “my guy”. Yes it’s been 20 years so it’s not “fanny gallops”, but I can spot him

And maybe I don’t think that he does that for me. When I drive past him when he is running he waves. But I drive a massive “mummy-bus” 7 seater that he knows the reg plate of.....

I actually felt that way... I always had boyfriends that were not very attractive, so they'd think I was a "catch". Well I was nuts as my much adored fiance (who I think is ridiculously good looking) thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in this world.... So tables to turn, and I know that even if you're married you want to feel attractive to other men

Yeah... it’s probably a massive drip feed and/or realisation

Maybe I just want to feel attractive to anyone.

It’s my birthday this weekend (I’ll be 48 but not looking like 23) so maybe this isn’t the best time for the “touch me touch me” conversation

So.... I asked DH to come through so I could explaiin

A - why today had been a bad day

B - ask for IT advice ( Dh is a very high up IT professional) as to how to ensure I didn’t mess up massively again

C - to be talk about my need for physical reassurance and to be told i’m Loved.

It’s 5 minutes later. I’m in bed alone and shattered. I’ll broach points A)B) and C) at another point.

I’m tired, I feel sad and very very unattractive right now.

Tomorrow i’ll Rise Again

Oh no, sorry to hear that. I hope today is a better day!