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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sticky situation, I need your advice!

41 replies

ihavequestions101 · 05/12/2018 02:28

I really need your help...

I'm 24 and my mum has bean struggling with my DB for a few years now. She has also been struggling with mental health and has asked for my help with getting her back on track and DB in the process. I'm off work for 4 weeks from next week so will be able to give the situation my full attention. This is where you come in, I have absolutely no idea where to start and even what the right thing to do is so I'll explain the situation and hopefully you will have some advice!

My 'problem' DB is 14 years old and struggles with school. He has always had issues with his anger i.e. getting irrationally angry if something doesn't go his way and smashing things up etc. Obviously this didn't bode well with school and he has been in and out of school either in exclusion or suspended more times than you could imagine. The school aren't particularly helpful in this respect (from what I can gather). He also has an awful attitude, always replying with sarcastic comments and knowing how to rub everyone up the wrong way. You cannot have a normal conversation with him at all although I do understand that this is probably normal for a teenage boy... I don't know.

After speaking with DB he has mentioned that he sometimes feels anxious which contributes to him not wanting to go to school, I've suggested speaking to a doctor but he straight up refuses to go. He also has problems with his eating, has a very limited diet and doesn't like things touching on the plate.

DM has been a bit of a pushover with them due to her mental health being in decline it's just been easier to let him get on with it but I think it's making her worse as the school are threatening to take her to court over his absence.

Sorry about the long long story I just need some advice from anyone who has been here in this situation.

My plan is:

  • Remove all electronic devices if he refuses to go to school.
  • Set time frames that he can use the electronic devices from and until.
  • Try and get him to see a doctor (not sure how yet).
  • Speak to the school and see how they can help too.
  • Buy him an alarm clock so he can be in charge of his own wake up times.

I suppose my questions are:
What should I do if he point blank refuses even after taking all of his electronics away? Can I manhandle him into the car and to school?
How is best to speak to him? Should I be tough or gentle?

I want to do whatever is best for him really and I don't want to damage him in the process. Help

OP posts:
madmumofteens · 05/12/2018 07:01

Just wanted to say what a lovely sister and daughter you are OP, great advice on here already think it would be a good idea to get your partner onboard to spend time with your DB as he can see it from a male perspective! My own DB was an angry teenager who has grown to be an angry adult as he wasn't given boundaries when younger! Good luck x

Original poster
ihavequestions101 · 05/12/2018 11:25

sprouts21: Thank you so much for your input, it's really useful to see it from the other point of view too. I think it's too easy to assume what someone else is feeling without being in their shoes so that is very, very useful, thank you. I will sit down and speak to him initially because I want him to feel comfortable with what's happening and ask him how he would like to see things panning out.

OP posts:
Original poster
ihavequestions101 · 05/12/2018 11:27

JontyDoggle37 They're great suggestions, I'll get a diary ordered, I think that could really help. The youtube videos are a good idea too I'll definitely get on that.

OP posts:
LucieMorningstar · 05/12/2018 11:35

Op, call your brothers school and ask for a call back from the sendco. They will ask what it is in relation to, tell them your brothers name and you’d like to speak to the sendco specifically. Discuss your worries etc with them directly then go from there.

Original poster
ihavequestions101 · 05/12/2018 11:37

notaflyingmonkey Yes I think you and sprouts are right, I'm going to approach it with my mum initially gently and will speak with the school about the Senco contact. Thanks so much for your advice.

Coldhandscoldheart Going for a walk or a drive is a great idea, I'll ask him which he would prefer and I think being in the open air would be good for us both. I've got a dog so I'll suggest we walk him together so it isn't obvious that this is a talking walk because he would be less willing to come in that case.

On your point again sprouts21 I think that he might have some separation anxiety. He's always been quite quiet and wanted to be with DM as much as possible and when DM was pregnant with him she was in a DV situation with his father although DB was only 1yo when this situation ended I'm thinking that there could have been some past trauma which although he cannot remember it might have some effect on how he behaves now.

OP posts:
Original poster
ihavequestions101 · 05/12/2018 11:40

smiler0206 Yes I think that anger management will help I'm glad to hear that your neice is getting the help that she needs and I hope that his school will be as helpful. DM has a social services support worker so I think I will talk to them with DM about the situation and see what suggestions they have. Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Lizadork · 05/12/2018 11:40

Might be worth speaking to GP and/or School Nurse about a referral to see if there are any additional needs. Schools can sometimes be useless so would go around them if I had to.

Original poster
ihavequestions101 · 05/12/2018 11:42

TchoupiEtDoudou That's great, thank you for suggesting that, I'll definitley give it a read. What you've said makes complete sense because rewards/ punishments haven't worked in the past so it is likely that he is unable to do those things. Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
ihavequestions101 · 05/12/2018 11:46

madmumofteens Thanks so much for your lovely words, the advice so far has been fantastic and yes I think I will get my partner to speak with him. I guess this is all good practice for me when I one day become a mum too! I think DM is worried about him becoming an angry adult as one of her close friends had exactly the same issues with her DS and he is now an angry adult with lots of unresolved issues. Thank you again.

OP posts:
Original poster
ihavequestions101 · 05/12/2018 11:47

LucieMorningstar Thank you for your suggestion I think that's one of the first things I'm going to do and we will go from there.

OP posts:
Original poster
ihavequestions101 · 05/12/2018 11:51

Lizadork Yes I think you're right. Can you book a GP appointment on behalf of someone and go on behalf of them? I'm not his legal guardian but DM would be able to come too so we can talk to the doctor together.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 05/12/2018 12:06

Personally I don’t think punishing him is the way forward.

Ds at 14 was like this (minus the throwing things). He is dyslexic and has ADHD. He is HE

Plus your DB is probably worried about your dm when he is in school so you cannot treat him like another boy who has both parents for support.

I would definitely talk to the SENCO dept at his school to see if there is anything that he would need to be tested for.

I am a big advocate of trying to find out what type of career dc want to do. Over a period of a year we looked at all different types of careers and ds changed his mind several times till he found something that the more he read about it the more he wanted to do it.

He was then able to concentrate on what he needed to do to make it happen.

We must have chosen the right thing because from trailing at the bottom of the class by quite a bit he is Acing the course and even does homework and revision without asking.

At 14 if he was at home would he be able to work through the books and GCSE course either on his own or with the help of the courses that are available to HE students?

Would not going to school take the pressure off.

expatmigrant · 05/12/2018 12:11

What a fab sister and daughter you are ihavequestions
As per previous posters, I would speak to HOD and SENCO at school, in view to having an ed psych report done on him. If he needs extra support it is best to get this set up asap before he hits the dreaded exam years.
There must be reasons for his anxiety eg. not coping in the class room which can be down to a host of factors.
Because you do seem to have a good relationship with him I wouldn't take devices away from him but there's no harm discussing with him on how to reduce the time spend on SM and see if he will do it voluntarily.
Maybe spend some social time with him ie. go for Nando's or pizza.
My DS is also lucky to have a much older DSis and they spend time together and he will tell her stuff he might not want to discuss with us.
Good luck lovely girl Flowers

VforVienetta · 05/12/2018 12:15

Just from an ex-stroppy-teen point of view, when you’re talking to him it’s worth pointing out WHY you want to help, ie you want him to be happy, and why it’s good to finish school.
Maybe ask him what he might like his life to look like in 1, 5, 20 years, and how working backwards, he might go about achieving that. So, if he wants to move out and get his own place, he will need a job, to get a job he will need to do reasonably well in his exams and maybe consider doing A levels.
Maybe he pictures owning his own home when he’s an adult, or a particular car, or travel etc. Family/etc.
It’ll all depend on how receptive he is to you, but if he is on the autistic spectrum then facts and processes will help him realise the best path to take.
Maybe start with small goals and see if he’ll let you be his ‘sponsor’ - start with one full day at school, then two, a week/etc. His reward can be the WiFi code, or using his phone 4-6pm etc.
My mum and gran used to constantly nag and harangue me, but they never told me why i should do things their way, just told me off or told me to do it. I couldn’t see the big picture, and no-one helped me to. It might help!
Def agree with talking while walking, helps prevent the fight-or-flight response when they’re stuck in a small room!

VforVienetta · 05/12/2018 12:17

(for the above plan to work your tech-phobic mum would have to learn how to reset the WiFi code daily!) Grin

Oliversmumsarmy · 06/12/2018 13:23

I know you mean well but I would be careful about how you go about things.

If you come over all about earning rewards and punishing behaviour you could tip him over the edge.

This isn’t about putting normal rules and punishments in place for a normal boy living a normal life.

How long is it since you have moved out. You don’t know what has gone on in that household and how it has affected a young child.

Your dms MH it seems is an ongoing problem and how it has affected your db in his development cannot be just wiped clean with a few rules.

I would be treating him to get him on your side. Giving him loads of attention and then looking to his future.

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