To not buy xmas presents for my kids from their dad?

[helloworld2012]

There's a back story, I'll try to be quick - My ex and I lived abroad in his country. He cheated on me and said he didn't want to be a family man anymore. I moved back to my country with my kids. My ex is supposed to visit the children every 6 weeks (he came up with this number himself). He hasn't been once since we moved over 7 months ago. I've stuck to my promise of taking the kids to visit each school holiday. He started out phoning them once a week, then very soon it was a month in between calls and now we're at 6 weeks. (I've always made it clear he can phone whenever he wants and I've always phoned him if the children have asked - which is rare.)

Anyway for my children's birthdays their dad didn't send a present or even a card. He said he sends me enough money in child maintenance to cover things like that. So for their birthdays a few weeks after we moved country I bought a present from me and a second present and told the children it was from their dad. I did this because the situation was so new - at this point I thought the kids would have more contact with him...I thought he'd make more of an effort.

My dad has gently suggested that I should buy an xmas present for the kids and say it came from their dad - he feels really sad for them and doesn't want them to feel unloved.

I understand this wanting to protect the kids feelings but I don't think it's right to lie to the kids and make out their dad is better than he is. Eventually they will be old enough to see for themselves how little he has bothered with them and it might be an even bigger disappointment for them down the line.

Help?!

It would be a big fat 'fuck off' from me. What a cheeky sod.

I can understand why your dad suggested it, but I don't think I would do it either. I think they will be more hurt in the long run if you keep their hopes up that he is going to be a good dad.

Sorry he is such a shit.

How sad for your DC. However sparing their feelings now by pretending their Dad has bought them something will just cause greater hurt in the future if they find out the truth. It may well undermine their trust in you too.

Maintenance is for their day to day living expenses - food, clothing, a roof over their heads, any expenses incurred at school etc. Not for him to bail out of showing his love and affection to his own kids when it comes to their birthdays and other special occasions.

What a cretin.

I wouldn't do it. Love is not simply sending some money. He needs to SEE his kids. HOLD his kids. SPEAK to his kids. You buying them a materialistic item on his behalf in an attempt to protect their feelings won't work. Their dad isn't there, they will still hurt. And he couldn't give a toss.

Fuck him.

I wouldn’t. It just isn’t honest, and as a pp said may well undermine their trust in you. I can see your reasons for wanting to though .

You have all put into words exactly why I feel I shouldn't do this. Yes, yes, yes, their dad is not showing love, he's not visiting, not calling, not caring. He completely resents the child maintenance he does pay, despite earning a good salary. No xmas present is going to fix that. I feel awful for my children, they deserve so much better...

Tell him to jog on. The cheeky fucker.

I feel awful for my children, they deserve so much better...

They have better, they have you.

I agree with PPs who say not to do it, as it will destroy their trust in you if they find out. It will also keep false hope in a bond that does not exist.

I feel awful for my children, they deserve so much better...

They have better, they have you.

Thank you

It's not your fault. Don't overcompensate for that loser.

I wouldn't get into the habit of doing this - it won't help them in the long run.
I'd also stop taking them to his home country in the holidays. I don't believe that children benefit from contact with a parent who cba to be a parent.

The kids don’t mention him he’s already a distant memory. A present form him won’t make up for missed visits and missed phone calls. Maintenance isn’t to cover his share of presents the complete cockwomble.

He’s made his choice. When he’s older if he regrets it he will have to explain it to your children himself.

Your children lack nothing when they have a parent like you caring for them. Your all they need.

I can see why your dad suggested it, but it gives your DC false hope. It may also be confusing - why does dad send me presents when he can’t be bothered to come and see me etc

Yadnbu

Time to stop.
It is a lie and you cannot cover up for him forever.
Sad but the kindest way to stop incorrect perceptions and expectations. The kids will work it out and eventually ask him the question.

Don't do it. It sets a principle that you will always cover for him and he'll never bother.
Tell him he's perfectly capable of ordering something for them and having it sent directly to you.

Tell your dad you appreciate his concern but they will feel worse when they find out their dad is shit. Instead you will show them all the love they need as it will be genuine and pure.

Have a lovely Xmas, you are doing amazing

I thought this was going to be he was sending you cash and wanted you to buy the gifts locally to avoid shipping fees. That I would do, even if it was also because he was lazy and didn’t want to shop because worse case scenario you just wrap the cash.

Pretending he made any effort? Absolutely not. You can’t hide it from them forever. Better to adapt to the new normal as quickly as possible.

I wouldn’t.

My ex husband has missed more than one birthday/Christmas present for our daughter. She needs to know what he’s like, I refuse to cover up his inadequacies.

No, don’t lie to them.

It’s just postponing the pain they’ll feel because their bio father doesn’t care very much for them. It isn’t going to make it go away- that’s not something that’s in your power to do.