Being a mum - underwhelming and a bit lonely/sad?

[MilesPro]

I'm feeling a bit down...

I feel like the build up of pregnancy, everyone asking questions, the guessing if it's a boy or girl, the gifts, the birth, the well done and welcome messages etc etc...., has made motherhood seem quite lonely and sad.

I say this, because once baby is here, and has been for a few weeks, nobody seems interested anymore. Friends cancel on you. Don't call round like they used to. Take longer to respond to your messages as I'm not likely to be making plans with them. People don't treat you like you're special anymore...

Don't get me wrong. I never actually liked the attention and didn't like the special treatment either, but now it's gone, it's SO hard trying to be a 'normal' person again...

Does anyone understand what I mean? Or am I rambling in a my 7 weeks PP, PND fuelled state?

I think it can be quite underwhelming... It's quite a hard slog for a while, and until they start to really respond to you, it all feels a bit thankless.

Have you spoken to anyone about PND? Are you getting out and about much?

Hugs to you!

Gosh, your pregnancy must have been a far more public affair than mine -- I certainly wasn't in minor celebrity mode, and my main memory is finishing a big work project and living on barbecue hula-hoops, as that's all I could keep down.

More seriously, the early weeks and months were for me horrifically difficult. I hated it all, and thought I had made a ghastly mistake. I don't think I had PND, I just think it was hard, and compounded that circumstances meant that DH couldn't take his planned leave and was working in a new, highly-pressured job a long commute away. I only adjusted to motherhood once I went back to work after maternity leave.

Be kind to yourself. Your life has changed a lot.

Around 7 weeks PP was my low point with DD. Like you say the novelty has worn off and she was such as miserable sod at that age.

I perked up around the 3 month point when she smiled more, played more and started going long enough between feeds for us to manage to go out and do some activities.

I was just saying to a friend the other day that you get treated so much better as a pregnant person than as a new mum. We’re at 11 weeks and people just assume that you know what you’re doing by then, esp if they don’t have kids. This in turn makes me feel worse as I still struggle a lot of the time but feel I should have things more in control.

Do you have any mum friends you can talk about your feelings with? You will probably find many of them feel the same.

It’s hard but on lonely days I do try to remember that he won’t be this tiny for very long and dig in on the sofa with snacks and a box set to enjoy the cuddles.

@ThePencil I am a bit but I don't know many people in my area. I only moved here a month before getting pregnant and haven't really met many people. Re PND, no I don't have any help. It's self diagnosed but I definitely have it. I have pre-existing mh problems. HV is coming tomorrow...

@Conventicle people were just exceptionally nice to me. Colleagues, strangers, everyone. I worked until the day before he was born. It's gone from being overwhelmed by people's kindness to being underwhelmed by how lonely I feel.

@SnuggyBuggy I don't want to wish the time away but I do look forward to smiles and giggles...

You'll get there, I'm sure. I found that it gets so much more fun after three to four months.

It's definitely a shock to the system. All the advertising is geared at pregnant women - from the minute you see those two pink lines it's all you're so special now that you're going to be a mum, buy all the things! You deserve them! Eat everything you want because baby needs nutrition! You look so beautiful with your bump! And you feel the little kicks and wonder about your little friend in there and what they will be like. Then all of a sudden they're born and you realise what people are talking about when they say mums are taken for granted. It's a hard old thankless slog which will last for a very long time. You feel better once you have accepted that.

I also moved out of London when my son was a very small baby, which meant I dropped potential friends there, and found the new situation very isolating, despite doing all the right things and going to baby groups etc -- it simply wasn't (and isn't) a friendly environment.

I think that if I had my time again, I would panic less about isolation I put a huge amount of pressure on myself to get out and about to bloody baby massage and swimming and NCT mornings thinking that it would make me feel better, and panicking that it I didn't get out now, I would spend the rest of my life locked in my house and I would recognise that the small baby stage is brief, even when it feels endless, and that the baby doesn't need anything apart from milk, warmth and very basic care. I would pull out a stack of black and white films and Proust and stay indoors a lot more, rather than dashing about like a madwoman.

Do seek some support from your HV or GP, but also, don't panic. This is the worst bit. You don't actually need to do anything. It gets better by itself.

I hated the attention in pregnancy because I was very anxious about the pregnancy, but I still know what you mean - though I did also find you get a lot of attention with a tiny one. I remember the first time I went out without him (to the post office at the end of our road when he was about six weeks) and it took me a while to work out what felt so strange - it was that no one was looking at me. I'd got used to being either heavily pregnant or with a newborn and so getting lots of looks. I remember thinking 'these people don't know I have a baby! They think I'm just a fat tired woman!'

I also found having a tiny baby quite boring and lonely. He's five months now and it's so much better because he's so much more interesting. People tell you all the time to cherish the newborn stage because 'its the best bit' (in my opinion some of these people should have just got dolls instead) but it's ok for it not to be your favourite.

Totally agree with @Conventicle. I hated the early stages with DD and put so much pressure on myself to get out and enjoy it. Waste of time. I wish I'd stayed in with Netflix and enjoyed the cuddles because that stage is over before you know it, as endless as it feels at the time. It's so hard OP. I much preferred being pregnant, I loved it so much and would love to do it again - but I'm not sure I could do the newborn stage again!

For me, it was so boring. I had twins so getting out was a logistical nightmare, every day was groundhog day, no differentiation at weekends etc.

It gets SO much better when they get older and start interacting but I would say keep an eye out for PND.

Like pp have said, it's boring and lonely much of the time- particularly if you've gone from a job where you had social contact everyday to being on your own with a baby. Also your hormones are all over the place,chances are you are sleep deprived, and coming to terms with a massive change in identity.
Be kind to yourself, maybe try some groups - I found meeting mum friends to meet up with helpful. But as Conventicle said, always dashing around isn't necessarily the best either. There's a balance!
I think what you are describing is more common than people let on to be honest. I was pretty open with my HV about my feelings on this score and her comment was that honesty was good - and more people struggle than you ever know because it feels shameful to admit it's not a lovely magical time.
It does perk up when the baby doesmore stuff though.

Life gets much more interesting when they can talk and walk. Tbh babies are dull

Yes it can be underwhelming and a bit dull. It is a massive change to go from no baby to utterly physically dependent thing with you all the time. There are good/great moments too but it is hard.

Do have a good chat with your HV, it is vital to get help now and not leave it dragging on.

I think I honestly found it so hard because tiny babies are so serious. I realise it makes me sound like a teenager but it got easier when they became a bit more of a laugh at about 12 weeks I think. Hang in there.

I found those first few weeks very hard OP. I was always tired and just couldn’t think straight at all. At the time it seemed forever. Once DD got to around four months it started to feel like I had a bit of life again. I think part of my problem was we had six miscarriages before DD so I put pressure on myself that I had to enjoy every second but the reality of a newborn baby is not all roses.

Are there any baby groups you could go to? Or even get out for a walk just to say hello to someone walking past you. I found this helped a bit. Hang on in there.

Babies aren't rational. You feed them, change nappies, cuddle them, put them to sleep, do everything that made them happy yesterday, but today it's not enough. The best you get in the early days is a look of mild discontent instead of absolute misery/outrage. It improves, but it can seem a long time getting there.

Second time round was better - I knew what to expect.

I have never had children. I have lost touch with people after they have children. It really was nothing against them, I actually thought they had moved on and had no interest in a friendship with me anymore and prefer to have friendships with other mums. I leave new mothers alone, because I assume they are busy.