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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried about DC picking on DH

23 replies

mikado1 · 04/12/2018 12:26

Posted in parenting but no replies. This is quite a worrying turn of events and I'd really appreciate some insight/views. To give some background, DH grew up with a v authoritarian father who did slap, expected perfect behaviour, parents' emotions prioritised etc. and has found the tough side of parenting tough, has been to counselling re anger and 80℅ of time is calm but other times is moody/critical/angry - a mix of these say. Tends to take normal children's behaviour personally. Lately I notice the 2dc, also v well behaved 80℅ of time, wind him up and delight in annoying him.. I don't like it but I see dh is either v cross or permissive... It's hard to witness and obviously I step in and remind them of behaviour or simply distract them. He doesn't want to hear my view/advice and sees them completely wrong rather than my MO which is what can I do to change things . I've not heard of this before but it feels v off for some reason so said I would post for some views.

OP posts:

JudasPrudy · 04/12/2018 12:28

I'd wind him up too if he was possibly going to be a moody arsehole to me if I were a child. I'm just glad they're not cowering in a corner.

gamerchick · 04/12/2018 12:29

You think they do it on purpose? Why do you think that, do you not back him up ever?

Weezol · 04/12/2018 12:30

How old are the DC?

GreenTulips · 04/12/2018 12:33

They are doing it to get his attention and get a reaction

If he has two forms of reaction they take their chances

What he needs to do is engage the kids

Sethis · 04/12/2018 12:33

Sounds like he's missing gears. He's got the very calm first and second gears, and the 'lose your shit' fifth gear, but no third or fourth. Your kids sound like they're actively trying to locate his missing gears.

Depending on the age of the children you might need to have a sit down chat with them about this. It benefits nobody.

Original poster

mikado1 · 04/12/2018 12:38

gamerchick 'obviously I step in and remind them of behaviour or simply distract them.' ...in OP

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Original poster

mikado1 · 04/12/2018 12:39

Yes, he's missing the middle of the road part... But won't engage with me when I try to discuss. DC 3&6

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Original poster

mikado1 · 04/12/2018 12:47

JudasPrudy, that was always my concern but there's something v unsettling about this also and dh gets v upset if he goes into permissive mode. He left the house twice in the last week because of it. I have suggested a parenting class and have a near library of parenting books here but he's insulted by the suggestion and sees them needing to change.

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JellyBaby666 · 04/12/2018 12:51

When you say they're winding him up - how so? In what way? Are they just poking fun or are they actually making fun of him maliciously? I think he definitely needs to change his approach, but they also need to understand they're being rude and unkind (if they are, rather than just having fun IYSWIM).

Its hard to give advice without knowing what the kids do and his reaction... I poke fun at my dad when he gets a temper as it diffuses things, for example.

Original poster

mikado1 · 04/12/2018 13:09

No it feels more like 'ganging up', running in to poke him and run away. If he'd just stay calm and unbothered it would end but he gets riled up or allows it.

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Original poster

mikado1 · 04/12/2018 13:17

Also laughing and planning to annoy him cLets slap daddy..

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Thesmallthings · 04/12/2018 13:22

There not hanging up on him. There trying to get his attention to play with him

The fact you don't see that imo shows your trying to passify him and are walking on egg shells.

And the fact he won't listen suggests he's controlling twat

lunar1 · 04/12/2018 13:24

I'm really confused, at 6&3 they are very young children who are trying to get their dads attention. You are attributing behaviour to then that is not at all relevant at their age.

Orangepear · 04/12/2018 13:30

What is he doing when they try to get his attention? Sounds like he's on his phone or working

Nesssie · 04/12/2018 13:31

Lets slap daddy.. erm... that is not acceptable behaviour, I'm not surprised he gets riled up!

CardsforKittens · 04/12/2018 13:33

Does he praise them when they behave well?

My ex (who was a bit like your DH) used to say, "I shouldn't need to give them praise for doing the right thing." I found this astonishing. How else do they learn?

Original poster

mikado1 · 04/12/2018 13:35

No it's not acceptable, that's what I mean, absolutely they're only kids and I believe behaving like this because of his behaviour but it's not nice at the same time and they're delighting in the reaction so I feel it's so important he work on it. He was making their dinner the last time.. l agree he needs to lighten up and be a bit more creative in reaction to it. I'm not walking on eggshells at all, in fact I'm worried at same time that I'm not worrying enough about him because i am 'blaming' him as such, wrong word maybe.

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Original poster

mikado1 · 04/12/2018 14:15

Yes he's great when they're great but doesn't want to accept the real parenting bit, when it gets tricky! Not all the time as I say.

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Original poster

mikado1 · 04/12/2018 19:30

I think the main issue is he can be both reactive and negative, particularly when tired. Says things like 'I knew you couldn't do it' and 'What is wrong with you?', which to me sound awful. He wants to crack down on any sibling kerfuffle or disagreement at all, which just isn't realistic or healthy imo but he seems to find any altercation v stressful. I spoke to dc6 again re kindness but I know he knows this, it just feels like fun maybe at the time.. dc6 was playing with a lollipop earlier and using it as a sword Vs dc3 and his Lego car and having asked him to stop he then took it, broke it into pieces and threw it in the bin. I just think there's no need, it's Ott... But maybe I'm wrong and I need to expect more from the DC..

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ApolloandDaphne · 04/12/2018 19:37

I am not sure it is your DC you need to expect more from, they are only small. Your DH on the other hand is a grown man who needs to rethink how he deals with his children.

Original poster

mikado1 · 04/12/2018 21:29

I offered him 'How to talk so kids will listen..' and he took it..

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jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 20:06

That is a great book, we read it when the DC were little and got a lot out of it.

jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 20:08

Omg to breaking up the lego car and putting it in the bin !!!!

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