Sad about friendship

[mimosa80]

I'm having a difficult time with a close friend. We used to be very close, almost like sisters, but ever since she had a child she has completely changed, pretty much all she talks about is her child. I've struggled with infertility for years and have had pregnancy losses, surgery and failed ivf. I feel a more positive about things now and have come to terms with the fact I will probably not ever have a child of my own, I have a lovely partner and a job I enjoy, people I care about so I count myself lucky.

The issue with this close friend is that she doesn't talk about anything else other than her kid. When I think about it, she never really asks how I am or what I'm doing with my life. I have sat through hours of detailed descriptions on sleeping patterns and routines etc, but now her child is at primary school its now detailed accounts of the child's friendship groups, school progress, parents meetings, photos of homework projects etc. Not only can I not relate to any of this as I don't have a child, but it isn't very interesting. I try to be a good friend and remind myself that her child is the centre of her world, but I am starting to feel sad I don't think she has ever really considered how all of this has made me feel, especially in the past after miscarriages and failed cycles.

I meet up with her less now, I especially avoid one to one as it feels so intense and I dread the child updates. I do arrange group meet ups with our girlfriends so we can have some quality time together - my other friends enjoy having some time away from their kids and having a drink or dinner. But the last few times she has either cancelled due to her child's extra curricular stuff or even brought her child along to places like bars where all we want to do is have adult conversation. She is married and has a supportive husband but she never seems to leave the child with him very often to do things for herself- perhaps once or twice a year at most.

I think maybe I should walk away from this friendship, but I am torn- am I being unfair? I don't really know what to do but feel pretty heartbroken about it. Just writing this down has helped a lot, I have probably bottled up a lot of negative feelings over time. Thank you for listening. x

Of course you're not being unfair. Quite apart from it being difficult for you in your circumstances, she sounds like a total bore. I have a child and a lot of childfree friends, and I certainly don't bang on about my son -- no one is that interested in other people's children, and he's not the only thing going on in my life.

It's sad, but some friendships just wane over time. This is not longer working for you.

NO longer working for you.

I'm sorry, but I feel like your friendship has run its course. I do think it's a little sad when people stop being themselves and just exist for the kids... I love my DD so much, but I am still me, as well as her Mum. If they've forgotten this, and it means they can't be sensitive to you, then it does seem like the end.

Even a person with kids would find all this very tedious

Thank you all for your honest replies. It really helps to hear this, especially from Mothers. I guess it is time to move on and focus on my other friendships. Thanks for listening, it fees like a weight off my shoulders just to say it out loud and not be judged. It's not nice to feel negativity towards someone I care about, but I guess the friendship is no longer that important to her, I just have to accept that.

She sounds really self absorbed and child obsessed, she wouldn’t be the kind of friend I would want to have and I have 2 children. I shouldn’t really say this but I envy my childless friends; I often feel a real sense of drudge and discontent - I even want to fast forward to when they are fully grown so I can be “me” again, travel and feel less drained. Brutal honesty here.
I actually think you should tell her how you feel just like you did us in your post. This woman needs to be told!! All the best to you xx

Thanks so much for your honesty. I have hinted about things like the social media spam or how I enjoy seeing one of my uni friends because she doesn’t talk much about her kids. She just doesn’t get the hints!
She has always been self centred, but I think deep down she is insecure. She pretty much lives vicariously through her child - pushing her academically and doing loads of extra curricular stuff, sport etc and showing it off to everyone and on Facebook. I feel a bit sad for her as I don’t think she knows who she is anymore- perhaps that insecurity has always been there. So I don’t want to say anything as I think she would take it very personally- her child is her whole life.
Maybe in time she will change but I am not holding my breath! 😔

My opinion is that if anyone had only one topic of conversation - hobbies, celebrity gossip, Donald Trump, their work, most people would find it difficult to socialise with them. Even if they enjoy the same passion, most people don't want to talk about the same thing all the time. I think parents naturally want to talk about their kids a bit but also most people firstly like to have a break from feeling like their sole purpose in life is to be a parent, and secondly most people have enough self awareness to know that the baby rolling front to back first instead of the other way round just isn't interesting to anyone other than themselves. I have kids, I talk to other people about them (tends to be people who have kids the same age as I'm still in the 'is this normal!?' or 'I can't take any more toddler whining') but even friends who I know through having kids, who we meet up with the kids, we still find plenty of other topics of conversation and enjoy child free nights out! So I think I would find your friend very boring as well.

If you've tried to meet up in a group and are still finding it difficult then there isn't much you can do other than cut contact. Try and encourage her into a new hobby with you maybe? I have a feeling she is happy with the way she is though. It's going to be a shock when her child leaves home!

I'd keep up the friendship loosely, she may come back to you in a few years. But focus on your other friendship.

Hugs, though, as I know how painful it is to feel a friendship 'breaking up'

It doesn't matter what someone's singular obsessive topic of conversation is, wether that be work or children or hobby it's boring and it's rude!

Friendship is about balance between both parties interests and needs. She is being selfish and ignoring that.

I would keep her as a friend but just don't meet up more than a few times a year and unfollow hwr on Facebook so you can't see.her boring updates.

Give her five years to get bored of her new toy (that's what the kid is, it seems), maybe she'll get a personality back.

OTOH maybe she needs a jolt to bring her to her senses so she's not only living for the kid. Can you do that? She may well appreciate it.

If not, then you didn't want to talk to her any more anyway, right? It's fine!