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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for my expectations of DP on birthday

19 replies

happytiredmummy · 04/12/2018 09:17

It was my birthday yesterday and a few days before my DP said he needed to go to uni that evening. I was a bit like that's crap, but you got to do what you got to do its for your degree. We have a shared calendar on our phones and he took it off a couple of days ago, I asked him if it was still on and he said yes. I got home from work last night, we had dinner then he said he was off to uni. Well it turns out he lied about it, on the way home when he called (as he usually does on long journeys) he said it had been cancelled last min and he didn't want me saying he couldn't go to football. I explained I would have been fine if he would of been honest with me, but I was hurt that he had been dishonest with me. Well he comes home and straight away sits on his playstation. I tell him I'm off to bed again on my own and I get a quick goodnight whilst he plays his games.

AIBU to think he's a selfish prick. He games a lot (probably 4 out of 7 nights) and often doesn't come to bed when I do. He has headphones on when gaming, talking to friends so I get to hear it too when i'm in bed, then get woken up about 2am when he comes to sleep (it has been as late as 5am) . I have spoken about this before but it falls on deaf ears.

OP posts:
Alfie190 · 04/12/2018 09:30

I couldn't put up with that. I don't think it was ok to go to football even if he had told you either. My DH wants to spend my birthday with me.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/12/2018 09:34

I think you have long term problems with your relationship before adding on the birthday dishonesty. Why are you with him if you think he's a selfish prick?

happytiredmummy · 05/12/2018 08:51

I am with him as I do love him a lot, just sometimes he just thinks about himself. It's good to gain perspective though and realise I am not being unreasonable thinking that it's not ok. He's been sucking up a lot since so he has recognized that I am still annoyed. He's hasn't slept all night and is looking after the poorly 3 year old today so I think that's punishment enough.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 05/12/2018 08:55

Love isn’t enough reason to stay with someone who isn’t treating you with love.

Squeegle · 05/12/2018 08:56

I think that is really selfish and deceitful and ultimately behaviour that shows he doesn’t want to be with you.

Sarahjconnor · 05/12/2018 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

7yo7yo · 05/12/2018 09:08

Selfish childish manchild

BitOfANameChange · 05/12/2018 09:09

He'll suck it up for now, OP, but he'll do it again sometime because at this point in time he sees there are no long term consequences. After all, you're staying with him it seems, and your posts sounds like you'll just accept he's selfish. My ex was never much bothered about my birthday either, one of many reasons he's an ex.

happytiredmummy · 05/12/2018 09:15

I think maybe I excuse his behaviour at times as i'm not sure if it's being selfish or it's because of his Asperger's. He is good in so many other ways, but somethings he does I find so selfish, but is it because he's mind bling and not able to put himself in someone else's shoes.

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WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/12/2018 09:21

Ahh I was ready to side with you until I saw you said he has Aspergers. It doesn't make his behaviour okay but it could definitely explain it.

happytiredmummy · 05/12/2018 09:38

Yes I really don't think the Asperger's helps at all. I think I need to start being clearer with him what I expect, like boundaries. Sometimes I do feel like i'm parenting another child. But like I said he does have some lovely qualities about him and will do anything to help me with the children if I ask. He's very practical and logical with his thinking

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Petitprince · 05/12/2018 09:43

Are they his children too? If so, it's not 'helping' it's parenting and you shouldn't have to ask.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 05/12/2018 09:50

Quite often on these sort of threads, I side with the dp. Not because I am a mal apologist (or whatever people call them) but because the OP is always making really over the top demands. The expectations are always rediculous and I can't recognise their wants within my life / relationship.

However, you asked him to spend 1 evening with you! That is pretty standard stuff. Okay, if he had had to go to uni, that would be okay as it is important. But to lie and then go to the football? Fuck I would be livid, and seriously considering if he valued me or my time at all.

YANBU OP!

happytiredmummy · 05/12/2018 09:50

No they are my children. He doesn't have children. He didn't come to bed last night, so I was expecting him to sleep all day today, but he's taken the youngest who has a cold and can't go nursery so I can go work and said he's staying awake all day to sort his body clock out, so we can go to bed together at a normal time.

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happytiredmummy · 05/12/2018 09:51

Yes him lying to me hurt a lot and I have told him I won't stand for it and I am not ok with it.

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Blanchedupetitpois · 05/12/2018 09:52

Loving someone isn’t enough if they don’t love you back.

TheWiseWomansFear · 05/12/2018 09:53

No, that's outrageous. I could cope with uni, or even football, but not the lie and not ignoring me that night. It's just rude.

LuckyAmy1986 · 05/12/2018 09:54

Well personally I wouldn’t put up with that. As for looking after your daughter, how is that a punishment? That’s just parenting!

happytiredmummy · 05/12/2018 10:06

punishment as in looking after a three year old who is ill and when you haven't slept. Not an easy job for anyone.

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