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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To spend christmas with ex and his family?

22 replies

Gingerninj · 04/12/2018 09:16

This is the first christmas that we've been separated and I still can't decide what to do. I've thought about going home to see my own family, i usually spend new year with them anyway. I haven't been there at christmas for years, mainly because it always ends in one big argument. Everyone's overly stressed, they purposely ignore me half the time and well I'd rather not be there honestly, I can just about get through a couple days at new year with them. It would also mean not seeing the DC, so my second thought was just to stay at home, maybe have DC in the morning and then they can have the rest of the day with their dad. I suggested this to him and he said I was welcome at his mum's house. His mum has then mentioned that I should come over. His girlfriend won't be there and i know he wouldn't have invited me if she was, that's understandable of course. Admittedly having spent christmas with his family for years they're the reason I've found a love for christmas, they go all out every year and genuinely enjoy each other's company (unlike my family). My problem is i know i probably won't be welcome in a years time or so. If he's still with his girlfriend in the years to come they'll probably want to spend it together eventually. I feel like I may as well get used to not being part of his family anymore rather than almost playing pretend for another year

OP posts:

Fruitbatdancer · 04/12/2018 09:20

If you feel welcomed please go, show the children it’s about them, not you and ex. Be the grown ups.
And in a year or two yes his GF may be there, but you may also have moved on and be with someone making new traditions.
Life is short. Grab the good times.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/12/2018 09:23

If you think you can cope with it and you genuinely like them all then I think it would be nice for your dc. Try not to think too far ahead in the way of future Christmas's, you don't know what your circumstances will be by then.

Hope you have a lovely time of you choose to take your ex up on his offer.

Alfie190 · 04/12/2018 09:39

No, I wouldn't go. As you say, you need to get used to it.

Augusta2012 · 04/12/2018 09:45

I think maybe if you have the children in the morning and then go to theirs for a couple of hours perhaps including lunch that would be best. That way your kids get to see you together being sensible and adult, but you don’t have to put up with them so long it gets awkward or they get on your nerves.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 04/12/2018 09:49

You have childrrn together, his family is still your family. There's no reason for you not to have a relationship with them. 🤷‍♀️

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 04/12/2018 10:10

No I wouldn't go. In a year's time if he's still with his girlfriend then they will be more serious and probably wanting to spend it together so you may not be welcome. I would start to move on.
Also, even though you have children and will still be connected through them, you aren't " a family" anymore. The family unit and the dynamic has changed.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/12/2018 10:15

I think it would be good for the kids to see you are grown ups who can get along nicely on such an important day. They're gonna feel divided seeing you then knowing you'll be alone.
I'd go this year, next year you don't know where you'll be - might be with someone yourself or just emotionally in a different place. It'll be more usual for the kids to split time for special occasions.

You don't need to decide what you'll do in future years, just concentrate on this one.

So maybe kids alone in morning, over for lunch and dinner then leave with Dad over night?

Will you have the kids for New Year?

CardsforKittens · 04/12/2018 10:17

I would go because that way you both get to be with the kids. As long as you're reasonably sure you won't argue, it sounds like a really good idea.

Original poster

Gingerninj · 04/12/2018 10:22

Yes I'm having the kids at new year

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/12/2018 10:23

I would go. It will be different but if they are welcoming you its the best option for you and your children. Don't worry about next year yet.

BlackrockMum · 04/12/2018 10:24

go, make your plans on what's good for you and the kids now, your obviously getting on fine as a co-parenting team, so why would you not go based on some nebulous expectation of what might be next year or year after, yes you might need to play this by ear in future years, but doesn't it show a great example to the kids that Christmas is a time for family, and they are still your family they will always be your children's relations.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/12/2018 10:32

Yes I'm having the kids at new year
You know if thry make you miserable you don't actually have to spend New Year with them? You can start new traditions with the kids

MonoClue · 04/12/2018 10:38

My uncle has been married twice. He has 2 children with his first wife of 20 years and one with his second wife who he's been with for 20 years as well.
His first wife has always been invited to any family occasions as well as Christmas and New Year.
She's still a much loved member of the family and referred to as Aunt.
My uncle and his wife have a good relationship with her.

Original poster

Gingerninj · 04/12/2018 10:40

There are certain members of my family who i do want to see and I don't get the chance to see them often so that's why i still go at new year

OP posts:

Balaboosteh · 04/12/2018 11:28

I spend Xmas with my exP and his family and my family even comes along too! I grin and bear it and it works pretty well and shows solidarity for kids. So if you can deal with it, go for it. I did it from the first year of our separation and it set a good precedent. It also shows respect to your in-laws, which can be important to maintain their support and good will despite your separation.

Koutouloufari · 04/12/2018 11:38

If you’re comfortable and will feel welcome, you should go OP.

You never know what will happen in years to come. My DH has DSS with his ex gf, they have him 50/50 throughout the year. His ex gf has married another man and now has more DC, DH and I also have DC together. On Christmas Eve DH’s ex gf, her DH and the DC come to ours and stay until Boxing Day, that means that all the DC, have all their parents, together at Christmas. It’s lovely, people say it’s weird, but we all enjoy it. You never know what the future will bring!

KC225 · 04/12/2018 11:50

I would go as its the first Christmas you have been separated and its probably snuck.up on you as you are coming to terms with your new life. Go and make a new years resolution to make proper water tight plans for next year. People are right to say you need to make your own traditions but not this oae to Christmas and not under this much pressure. Go and have a lovely time.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 04/12/2018 12:02

This year go but only for Christmas lunch as you are not part of the in-laws extended family any more so you must avoid confusing your children about your relationship to them.

I'm surprised you have no friends who will put you up. When I've had shit family situations I have always had a friend or two who would put me up around Christmas even at short notice. I only actually needed it once thanks to the children in my extended family.

ExplodedPeach · 04/12/2018 12:09

If you would like to go, then go. A family member's ex-wife (and the mother of his children) is still welcome at family gatherings despite them having been divorced for about 30 years, she is completely part of the family. His subsequent serious partners also come, and are welcome, and everyone gets on well.

CantWaitToRetire · 04/12/2018 12:09

It's great that you have an amicable relationship with your ex and his parents. If they're saying you'd be welcome, they why not go, even if only for a few hours, and enjoy their company. Show the DCs that separated families can still be harmonious; it will be a great life lesson for them. As others have said, you may have met someone else yourself this time next year, so make the most of this opportunity. No need to be on your own.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/12/2018 12:13

Koutouloufari that's wonderful. Contrasted with a girl I went to school with ehose parents had divorced after having her, both remarried and both had new kids. She always said she'd have to elope as her parents wouldn't be in the same room as each other. Her life was always split in two.

you are not part of the in-laws extended family any moremeh, says who? She's always going to be their grandchildrens mother. My parents split when I was little, my Dad took us to visit my mums parents frequently and stayed too. Thry never stopped considering him family even after mum remarried and had more kids

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/12/2018 12:30

@ Balaboosteh

I have friends who do this as well - in fact, they all go to one of their new partners' houses for a Christmas Eve party as it's the most convenient (they've been separated for a few years and both have new long-term partners). I think it's wonderful...but I don't know what happened the first Christmas after their separation, it may have been too raw then.

OP, only do it if you feel up to it. It's going to be emotionally difficult and you don't have to grin and bear it. But, if you think it would build bridges, go along and make the best of it.

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