To be slipping into depression again

[Itsgettingbetter]

Stupid question as it's not really a choice.

I'm an 37 year old LO to DS, 13, who I've raised alone since birth. I'm in the final year of doing a PhD after studying for eight years straight as a mature student. I'm feeling burdened - trapped - by these two massive responsibilities. There is no balance in my life, I rarely have fun or meet new people. It's all work, either academic or domestic.

This depression was triggered after a stressful time - DS accident and having to provide care over weeks, evidence of mice in our home, fallout with DP, computer failure, fall out with a dear friend who it seems I am jealous of for having a much fuller life than mine (we are a bit isolated). These incidents caused me to fall behind with my work and because I'm depressed it feels like I'm stuck. Meanwhile my PhD deadline edges closer and other demands increase.

I'm not surprised you feel that way. What one little thing could you do for yourself each day that would be just for you ?

Remember how well you've done and how far you've come. The studying will be over soon and you'll have your PHD, you'll be able to start better paid/ more enjoyable careers and you won't have the over hanging deadlines weighing you down, it's just in reach so hang in there.

Take some time for yourself and do something that you enjoy when you can, make sure you're getting enough sleep & eating good food. Sometimes these two simple things can help. Hope you feel better soon

Getting washed, dressed and out is an achievement atm

Thanks for the replies.
Anyone else? Feeling really shitty

St Johns wort might help you

It is a lot you are dealing with, plan something nice for when it's all over with

I don’t have much to say that’s useful but I’m here for a hand hold. I’m slipping as well and finally went to the doctor and I’m on meds now. It’s only day 2 so no way to tell yet if they’re any good. Anyway just wanted to reply so you know you aren’t alone.

I find myself slipping sometimes as you say. I try to remember that self- discipline with routines helps. Walking to work. Eating fruit and veg. Doing a few minutes meditation a day. These things help to keep me grounded. Although I do understand that these are things to do when in a good state and keep doing to stay in the good state. It can be really hard to start doing when you feel down. I hope that you can wrestle some time to recharge a bit.

Another thing: when I was writing up my PhD my supervisor told them to remember that it is impossible to eat an elephant in one go, you needed to eat it small chunks. Then one day it'll be gone. Remembering the small chunks helped me see the end of the tunnel.

Please don’t take up the suggestion of St John’s wort. It stops the contraceptive pill working, and adding pregnancy to your current stress load will not help. It’s also a very weak antidepressant, containing a herbal form of an old fashioned tricyclic antidepressant with a lot of side effects.

If you need medication, there are far more effective modern drugs that your GP can give you. I think you should make an appointment and discuss your options.
Also yes to the PP who said try to find something nice and relaxing as a treat for yourself amidst all the stress. Even a simple thing each day, like a nice walk or a soak in the bath, a good book or a bar of chocolate - anything as a little lift, really.

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way. Just carrying on each day is a commendable victory. Do you take medication? Have you in the past?
You've written your post. You know something needs to change. Hopefully even from within the darkness you know you are worth the effort and that this feeling is temporary. Can you give your GP a call and make that appointment?

I'm a bit weary of medication; seen family members take them with more side effects than improvements.

I want my life to change, not to be made less sensitive, or just cope

Honestly? I would try some AD, they aren't a magic solution to all your problems but they can help you feel like you can tackle them a bit better. See your GP and have a chat, you don't deserve to struggle on.

My personal experience of a relatively low dose (20-30mg) of Citalopram has been positive. Its minimised that anxious feeling (improving my sleep and quality of life) but I still struggle at times. I'm not trying to push the medication angle, but unfortunately you can't just wish it will pass. I too was dead against medication for years and suffered unnecessarily. My mum is also against medication and I now look at her and wish she would try it to improve her life and happiness too. I've had mixed experiences of therapies and counselling. I was referred to NHS group CBT, which I was mortified by the prospect of, but actually really enjoyed it (there's no pressure to speak and you can learn from others) - there was a real cross section of people there. You might need to hunt around for a 1:1 counsellor - I needed someone who could relate to my experience as a professional in senior management. Maybe see if the university offer counselling. Also, if getting out of bed and getting washed and dressed is an achievement right now so be it - take small steps and focus on what you are achieving - don't put too much pressure on yourself. But keep building on that each day/week.

Talk to your supervisor... depression thrives in dark dank corners where shame of not coping grows like moss. Sunlight is the best disinfectant... be open & reach out to people who can support or help you. Also talk to your GP or uni support services. Try to keep up a routine, even if very low key/pared back.

I've done the ADs, had two go-rounds with them. They did make a difference but the last time I had them the dr would only give me 4 weeks' worth at a time. I had to go in to present my repeat form, go in again to collect the new prescription, and get the things from the chemist. I'm 10 miles away from the surgery so the travelling in, parking & prescription fees made it very expensive and a lot of hassle.
I am now trying to go it alone and mostly I am OK. I have found it helps to accept that depression is now a part of my life and probably won't go away. It is pointless raging against it or 'fighting' it, that must makes me more tired. Mindful activities have helped a lot - crafting, exercising, gardening, that kind of thing.

I’ve found the Headspace app quite good too.

The kindness of these messages made me (more) emotional.

Had a chat with my PhD supervisor who suggested taking December off the thesis to recharge, an idea I like somewhat.

Have downloaded the Headspace app, which has great reviews.

Give yourself some props for spotting it coming on - that's half the damn battle! I think taking December off is a good plan. You must be running on empty after recent events - can you carve out a few hours each week where you do something away from the house just for you?

An hour with a coffee, going for a walk, a swim or sitting staring at the ducks - whatever is feasible.

I also had good results on citalopram -it didn't numb me and I worked full time whilst on it.

You’ve recognised you’re slipping which is good. It’s when you don’t realise it that it’s more hopeless.
Focus on getting outside every day for a 20 minute walk, at least once and make a list each evening of small things you’re thankful for/proud of.
Also, get some meds. You know if you need them.

Trust me on this. Go to Holland and Barrett or order online. I was exactly like you on it's a husband with cancer 3 children one being a baby. And one wage down to half pay. This is researched by me and clarified by my gp. Vitamin d3 oil. My vitamin d levels had dropped so low I was so depressed and that but in my case I had no choice but carry on my husband needed carrying to the car for daily radiotherapy. Once I started taking the oil (works so.much faster) within days obv I'm still down however I have clarity. Can.make a plan. Can do things again. Still weeping but just at pmt Time. Doctors retook my blood 6 weeks later and my vitam d is back to normal and my body appears to be functioning again. I be e lost that's grey look. My hair is growing back. Faster in some other fucking places but hey no I could be come the bearded vagina lady with plaits. But seriously something so simple as vit d made me a crazy fucker. And j do know with all that's going on that's how it should be minus the hairy mary but just lifting the dog for clarity.

It's hard having kids and studying and having partners be twats when your on your knees. And your friend sounds a bit of a cowbag. More likely she is jelouse as soon your with have phd letters behind your name.

Get the vit d. Take it. Make a plan. Stick the plan on the fridge. Enjoy Christmas your child is 13 getting less and less with them being children. Finish your bloody work and never EVER let any fucker put you down. Also i find ( shouldn't do as skint) going out after a shower. Alone. Buying a take away coffee ( recommend greggs and get a pasty lol) detaching yourself foe an hour works wonders and lifts the soul. That is until I remember I'm going home to cancer but you get the jist.

Sorry if any typos not slept for 3 nights but because of vit d I look stunning 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Aaah, what a generous message, thank you User