Dh!!

[Miabeth]

My mum dies just over 3 weeks ago. Because we are in Ireland the funeral etc is all over. I am having some bad days and some ok days coming to terms with it but today was a bad day. When dh got home at 9pm I went upstairs and text him that I was gone to bed because u was upset and didn't want to cry in front of my 12 year old..as he had already seen me upset earlier today and got upset also. He text back ok .
It's now 2 hours later and dh hasn't been up to check on me or even text me, despite walking past the bedroom to put dc to bed. I've cried for 2 hours alone and feel he just wasn't bothered to check on me and thinks I should be over it by now.
Ive just asked him why he didn't come up, and he said he assumed I was asleep and didn't want to disturb me as I haven't been sleeping lately.
Aibu to expect him to have checked I was ok?? He says I'm not thinking normally because I'm grieving and he does care.

No offence but your dh is right. I am so sorry for your loss though but don't have an argument with him as well - you'll just feel worse. X

You said you were going to bed, I'd have assumed you were asleep too.

I would probably have assumed you needed to be alone, since you went upstairs. I would probably have left you alone too, since it was late and assumed you were going to sleep.

Sorry.

Sorry about your loss. But you told your dh you were going to sleep. I would also have left you be.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I do agree with the others though. In the same situation my DH would've left me be, thinking I'd gone to sleep.

Ok, maybe I'm wrong so. I had said I was going to bed as I was upset and didn't want to cry in front of dc..maybe I should have worded it differently. I think I just feel angry at the world!!

I'm pretty sure that if he was psychic, he would have been right there holding you. However, despite best efforts, he isn't. Try not to hold it against him?

If there's any way he can help you feel better then just tell him openly what it is so he can do it, and I'm sure it'll all be fine, although of course I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. Try not to take it out on the person who loves you, hey?

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. With grief comes a lot of anger, believe me i know at the moment.
Try to keep the lines of communication open with your DH about how you are feeling and what you need from him.
Sorry for your loss.

That's fair enough, I've been there. It's very tough when it's suddenly all over so quickly. I remember being shocked that my mother had died on Friday and by Monday it was all over and I was just supposed to.....move on? Go back to work? You just feel so empty.

I had 6 weeks of bereavement counselling and it was brilliant. I paid for it privately, just a regular counselling place my GP recommended. I spent 6 weeks venting and ranting, all my anger at it all. It helped so much. I was "normal" by the end of it. And it meant I didn't turn my anger on the people around me. I highly recommend it.

People are different. I find it really hard to go to sleep if I'm upset and would be just like you, crying in my room and hoping DH would come to see me. But if my DH is upset about something he mostly wants to be left alone, he'll sleep and feel a bit better when he wakes up. My DD is just like that too. I have to fight the urge with both of them to try to sort out arguments before bed or comfort them if they're upset. They don't want it if they're tired, they world rather sleep.

So your DH was probably treating you the way he'd like to be treated, staying out of your way and sorting the kids out to give you some time to yourself. Sometimes I think it's good to spell out what you want rather than hope your partner will realise.

Sorry about your mum

Please just say to him some simple words "I am hurting, please come and hold me". He will do it.

I am sorry for your loss.

I lost my mum over summer, and went through the same in the first few weeks. We actually played that out almost the same - except when I texted "I'm off to bed" I actually said "I'm off to bed to cry alone for a bit" and an hour later DP came up with tea.

Communication. It can help.

Lots of hugs to you - but don't take it out on your DH, he'll help if you let him.

Sorry you’re going through this.
It’s heartbreaking to lose a parent. You sound like you’re still feeling quite raw about it all.
Try not to be so hard on DH. I can imagine how you felt, gone to bed, crying and generally feeling like crap.
Poor bloke obviously didn’t know quite what to do, so sorts kids out and gives you some peace.
You will feel better soon. He does care but he’s unsure how to help you best.
Allow yourself to grieve the loss of a very special loved one but don’t forget to love the ones that are here now.

I'm so sorry for your loss. 3 weeks is so early still. I could barely function at that point, I don't think I was back at work and I was definitely still bawling my eyes out at the drop of a hat.

Tell your DH that you would appreciate him just popping his head round the door after, say half an hour, or whatever just to be sure you are either sleeping or needing a cuddle etc.

Also, don't worry about your DC seeing you cry. I thought I would end up traumatising my 4 year old with how much she saw me sobbing but it let her know it was OK to be sad too.

This will be our 2nd Christmas without my mum and it does get a little bit easier but you just get through it however you can.

Sorry for your loss. But yes, my DH wouldn't have checked on me either. Your DH isn't a mind reader so I think you should have told him to check on you.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

I don't think your DH was being intentionally uncaring. My own experience when I lost my Mum was that some people handle another person's bereavement much better than others. Some of my friends were amazing, but my DH wasn't great. He had no idea what to say/do and just kept quiet most of the time.

It doesn't mean your DH doesn't care, though.

I’m very sorry to hear about your Mum 💐. Was she unwell or was it sudden? My Dad died suddenly, and he was only in his 60’s. It’s been a few years now and I still can’t believe it really.

As you (understandably) haven’t been sleeping, he was probably hoping you were asleep and didn’t want to risk waking you. I would have wanted him to come and give me a hug too, but if I had been asleep I’d have been furious if he’d woken me, so I accept it’s a no win situation (in my case at least).

What’s he been like when you’ve been upset?

I felt very angry at the world too and that lasted a long time. I’m definitely a different person now than before my Dad died. I had to handle everything (my Dad had a lot going on in his life including lots of business stuff that needed dealing with) and support my mum, this was good at the time as it gave me a lot to keep me busy and I had to ‘cope’. Unfortunately it meant I didn’t grieve properly (whatever that really means?) and I know that’s still affecting me. So please don’t rush the process and feel you have to be be ‘over it’. People who haven’t been through it can’t really understand, but those of us who have understand the hell you’re going through 🌷.

I’m sure your DH does care and does love you, it’s hard on both of you. He probably feels really sad that he can’t take this pain away for you and is doing what he’d want you to do for him.

If that’s not the case and he’s just crap, now isn’t the time to deal with that anyway, kick it into the long grass long grass.)