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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU only trying to help

21 replies

Cantdorightsometimes · 03/12/2018 22:25

DS is at uni one end of the country we live at the other. There is little difference in price/ease of pick up for us between flying and the train and the train is unreliable often 3-4 hours late. We always pay.
Today I was talking to him about coming home for Xmas and discussing dates etc he wants to bring his girl friend and I agreedand we’ll pay and I admit I discussed the train as I thought flights might be expensive over the Xmas period. I spoke to her briefly she seemed keen to come. But I couldn’t get rail enquiries website to work so thought I’d just check out BA’s prices and found I could get cheaper flights and at more convenient times for us to pick them up. The girlfriend will travel with him but go home earlier as he has a commitment here all done. So texted my son to say I’ve booked his flight on the agreed dates could his girlfriend confirm her return date.
Next thing I knew she’s upset and not coming at all and DS is upset because she’s not coming.
I’m baffled as to what I’ve done wrong. I know she’s never flown before (we’ve flown a lot) but I was genuinely trying to do the right thing.

OP posts:
Troels · 03/12/2018 22:28

YANBU she's being a drama queen. If she knows he flys home sometimes then she should have said she won't fly before agreeing to come.
Call your Ds and have him speak to her and ask her what is the problem.

MajesticWhine · 03/12/2018 22:29

It could be a misunderstanding. I can't see what you did wrong.

ZoeZebra1 · 03/12/2018 22:30

Generous of you to pay for her, but perhaps have checked before booking... Assume she is terrified of flying, hence she hasn't flown before. She could always book her own train though rather than refuse to come? Can you cancel flights?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/12/2018 22:30

For fuck's sake. I hope your son wobbles his head and dumps her. I fail to see how you could possibly be more accommodating. This is not your doing nor your problem.

Chloe84 · 03/12/2018 22:31

She's upset because you haven't booked her flight yet?

She sounds annoying. She's getting a free return flight and you only asked her to confirm what date she wants to fly back!

Please don't apologise or grovel, I would rescind this flight offer given her childish behaviour.

cowfacemonkey · 03/12/2018 22:32

I hate flying (I do it because I have to) but my knee jerk reaction to someone unexpectedly booking me a flight that I would have to catch alone would be "I'm not going".

In the nicest possible way you sound very "involved" and I guess your son is happy to sit back and let you take control of these things. Maybe his girlfriend isn't used to this and it is a little disconcerting to have your boyfriend's mum make arrangements without consulting you first.

Birdsgottafly · 03/12/2018 22:34

He's an Adult, so is his GF.

You said you'd book the train, but then decided to book flights, without discussing it.

If she has a genuine fear, then that's how it is. She isn't being unreasonable or a drama queen.

You need to let him grow up, tbh.

Drogosnextwife · 03/12/2018 22:36

She might be terrified of flying, can't really see any other reason for her reaction.

Tistheseason17 · 03/12/2018 22:45

They could always pay for the transport of their choice themselves...

Original poster
Cantdorightsometimes · 03/12/2018 22:51

I had to book the flight separately because the BAwebsite won’t let you book two different flights at the same time (she was flying back to uni on a different day) and for DS’s flight home there was only one seat left so my DH said let’s book it now and we’ll get her return date later.
Cowface I’m interested you think I’m over involved this would be out of character for me but your right maybe she perceived it like that. But as we pay it seems easier for him to tell the dates he’d like to come home we look at the dates we’re free match them up with when we’re free pick him up (it’s a three hour round trip) then we book it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantdorightsometimes · 03/12/2018 22:55

Ok just discovered she has a flying phobia was too embarrassed to say!
We pay because he’s a student and the cost is about £170 return and we have to be available to meet him so it just seems easier if we do the booking.

OP posts:
cowfacemonkey · 03/12/2018 23:01

Don't get me wrong you sound like a lovely and generous mum! I come from the perspective of growing up with parents who whilst were by no means neglectful were very limited in their involvement once we reached secondary school age (i.e. never asked about homework or revision for exams, if I didn't make myself a packed lunch at 12 then I didn't get lunch!). So I admit I struggled when I married into a family that were a lot more involved in their adult kids lives. I found it controlling and over bearing because I didn't understand it, it wasn't my normal. It's a shame I resisted it really a little bit of nurturing would have probably been quite nice!

Obviously she could just be a plonker!

cowfacemonkey · 03/12/2018 23:03

Cross post! Oh well better it's that than she has my ishoo's Grin

MyKingdomForBrie · 03/12/2018 23:07

Well I'm not sure why she'd be embarrassed about a phobia but that really was on her to tell you that. Not really sure what you can do about it though as it's all booked, it would be insane to now buy them both train tickets when you've already paid for the plane, unless money is no object. She could always buy her own train ticket maybe..? If I was her I'd be buying some fear of flying books pronto! (I have a fear of flying and have used these books)

Original poster
Cantdorightsometimes · 03/12/2018 23:09

I’m a hopelessly slack parent normally (I have long proven record of not being involved) but because we need to pay for the cost of the travelling and need to be available to pick him up (we work odd hours) we have to be involved. But I apreciate to someone who isn’t fully aware of this we may look over involved. So I’ll bear this in mind next time thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantdorightsometimes · 03/12/2018 23:10

DS coming by plane girlfriend is coming by train and she’s paying for herself.
I’m pleased she’s coming she’s a nice girl.

OP posts:
RCohle · 03/12/2018 23:22

You sound generous but a little overbearing. I'm not sure why she should have thought to disclose a phobia that she's embarrassed about when what you had discussed with your son was getting the train. It probably would have been nice for her and your son to be travelling together for Christmas.

Blondebakingmumma · 03/12/2018 23:47

I don’t think you sound at all over involved! You are being generous paying for your son to join the family for Christmas

Original poster
Cantdorightsometimes · 03/12/2018 23:49

I had mentioned flying to her before looking into the cost etc but I probably said I thought the train would be cheaper at this time of year.
I’m genuinely not overbearing but thanks for your comments as maybe if you don’t know me that’s how it comes across when I’m trying to organise something. I am very busy work so going to pick up DS (and girlfriend) from either the station or the airport is a bit of a PITA especially when the train is delayed by 3 hours it’s three changes and even a short delay means you often miss your connection. I’d rather he didn’t fly because it’s not great for the planet but it’s hard to resist when it’s cheaper and more efficient.
Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 04/12/2018 00:01

Don't see you over involved - just helpful, generous and kind!

Troels · 04/12/2018 16:33

Sounds like it's sorted then. I'd also leave Ds to pick her up at the trian station.

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