To kick off with DH

[name123]

Long story short. DH smokes weed, did so moderately when we met as seems to have got worse in my opinion (he denies this, I've never like him doing it). We compromise though he does it out in the garage, and was supposed to cut down after a previous argument. He seems to have become more dependant and chooses it over lots of things, it's as though he needs it function normally. He works hard and thinks therefore it's fine.
We have had many major arguments in the past to do with it.
His sister visited recently and was smoking it with him, I told him I don't. Want anyone coming to our house where our children are and doing this, I hate him doing it let alone others using it as some kind of drug den, he says I'm totally irrational for saying this. Anyway he agreed that he wouldn't yet low and behold friend turned up yesterday and off they went for a smoke, I kicked off, caused major argument where he was being absolutely awful making threats, aggressive and just been downright horrible. I left with children.
We have a house together, I am on maternity leave and I want him out now. He thinks he can stay and I'm not having it, im done. I've gone back in the past and I think he thinks by staying in the house it will give me no choice.
AIBU or would others have reacted in the same way?

I'm with you on this, hope it works out in your favour

It's really difficult to say what I would have done.

Because I used to smoke. I know that most people end up smoking more and more and more. So I wouldn't have settled down with someone who does smoke. It's inevitable that he would become dependent on it.

I do think 'using our house as a drug debt is a bit over the top. You accept him smoking in the garage. But he can't have one person visiting who does it too.

Yanbu to want to end the relationship though. You can do that for any reason. If you have had enough you have had enough.

Also you can't make him leave his home. You may want him to, but if it's jointly owned you can't force him out.

I would do what you have done. I don't care if that is over the top. What if the school smell weed on your children's clothes etc?

I have no problem with using weed in younger years heavily but when you have children you need to limit it to a couple of times a year.

It's not so much the smoking it that's the problem. It's the way his behaviour has changed over the years that's the worst part.
The house is in my name but he is saying he wants me to sell it and pay him off coz he's done all the work in the house, despite me offering him a pay out without having to sell. He's just doing that bcause he knows I wouldn't get another mortgage on my income and because he has done The work he doesn't see why I should benefit from it by living there and him not (that's the only reason I can think f why he would want to try and force me to sell).

Absolutely YANBU. He has made it clear the weed is more important to him than you or the DC. You have done the right thing. Stay strong.

The house is in my name but he is saying he wants me to sell it and pay him off coz he's done all the work in the house, despite me offering him a pay out without having to sell. He's just doing that bcause he knows I wouldn't get another mortgage on my income and because he has done The work he doesn't see why I should benefit from it by living there and him not (that's the only reason I can think f why he would want to try and force me to sell).

That sounds concerning.

If you let him smoke weed in the garage, it does seem a bit irrational that you lose it over one of his friends smoking with him. I could understand you being mad at him smoking it at home full stop given that your children are there, but I don’t see the additional person as being that aggravating.

Although it seems as perhaps the real issue is DH continued use of cannabis and change in behaviour. The reason you got annoyed was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back. You are perfectly entitled to tell him his behaviour is not acceptable and that if he can’t change it, the relationship is over. I would be concerned about regular cannabis use in my family home.

In what way concerning? MissionItsPossible?

Re: potential house division after separation- his view is very strange. A court would make a decision as to the split of equity in the event of divorce and will place far more weight on accommodating the needs of the children and their resident parent than whether he has done work on it. He’s mad.

He has smoked in the garage ever since we moved into the house. He agreed that other people wouldn't come and do it, but like most things he says related to weed he obviously didn't mean coz here we are, people turning up again. It wouldnt be so bad if that wasn't the only reason they came (not that I want them near my kids after!) you're right this is the tip of the iceberg and he's had way too many chances and made too many broken promises.

Yeah he's definitely mad! He says most things in anger, I believe he will go once he knows I'm not coming back as I genuinely don't think he'd put the kids in that situation, although with how he behaves lately anything is possible!

Because you just said he's trying to force you to sell your own house

You can’t make him leave his home, you can call the police when he is smoking illegal drugs at your home though.

If he refused to leave and the house is in your name only he has no right legal to be there- when he leaves to go out for the day (or work) get someone in and change the locks - if he starts kicking off call the police - if he damages the door trying to get it in it’s criminal damage as it’s not his property and again call the police .

You can make him leave if the property is not in his name

I've told him I don't want to have to be c about it I.e change locks etc but I will if he leaves me no choice.

Yeah, the change in his behaviour probably has a lot to do with the weed too. In my experience when people are smoking a lot of it they become irritable, moody and short tempered when they’re not. So you’re with someone who is either in a nasty mood all the time or stoned. And stoned people are incredibly useless and boring if you’re not stoned yourself. And having his mates come around to smoke and having your kids see two stoned people behaving like morons together is not at all pleasant and I totally understand why you draw the line there. It’s unpleasant enough putting up with one stoned person without him dragging his family and mates into it as well, it’s immature behaviour on his part. It would also be horrible for you and the kids to feel uncomfortable because he’s got a stoned mate around and they’re on the same level and you and the kids would feel like boring inconveniences to their fun, which is not on in your own home.

I know you’ll have a gang of people coming on to say it’s perfectly possible to be the President of a major multinational plus a parent reaching Mary Poppins levels of perfection and have no impact on your personality or performance as a human being whilst smoking copious amounts of dope. IMO that is bullshit, normally because they’re just too stoned to know or care what sort of impact their behaviour is having on the people around them, especially if they have a partner picking up their slack.

Is it possible you could see a solicitor or even the CAB to see what rights you have and if you can get him out? The thing he’s doing, trying to make you sell the house out of spite because he knows you can’t get another one: for me there would be no way back in a relationship if someone had behaved like that. He’s jeopardising your children’s future security and stability because he’s a fucking selfish man child who prioritises getting stoned with his mates above your relationship and family. I think you’ve made the right choice binning him. What are his parents like? Do you get on? Do you think they could talk some sense into him about leaving the house so your kids have that security of a home to grow up in rather than constantly moving around rentals?

It doesn’t matter what others would have done. You’ve reached your limit and he has broken your trust

They’re married - can he not make a Home Rights Registration with regards to occupying?

Where are you actually staying with your children OP?

You need to get proper legal advice about your joint home and the best way to proceed now.

You’re perfectly entitled to want to end this over drugs, and I think that the “drug den” comment is coming from your frustration - but on that one point, you’re a bit OTT. One person sitting in his garage smoking legally with him, does not a drug den make.

Lawyer up!!

Wow Augusta that is spot on. I know I've had enough but I think I just needed to come here to rant really.
His parents are ok although they will stand by him. They would probably tell him to accept a payout and leave but they won't get involved in things, even when he's been kicking off and I've rang and asked if they could come and speak to him for the sake of the kids.

Unless he is the children's main carer, he hasn’t got a legal leg to stand on where it comes to the house.

I'm going to let the dust settle and see what he says regarding house situation, I think he'll back off. If not it looks like the legal route. I'm with family at the moment. I would eventually be able to get another mortgage just not in the next six months or so.

Of course he has a leg to stand on.

They are married. The house is a joint assets regardless of whose name it's in.

OP may get more of the division if the kids are young, she has sacrificed her career and is the main carer.

No one can say he doesn't have rights over the property. Op needs legal advice.

"The house is in my name" then get him gone! See a lawyer ASAP to set wheels in motion.

Personally I'm vehemently anti drugs and wouldn't even have dated him in the first place, I've seen in relatives the damage supposedly "harmless" "no worse than alcohol" cannabis can do. I also live in an area where there's a lot of users and it is NOT a harmless victimless ILLEGAL drug.

But you are where you are. So get rid and don't have to put up with it any more.

"you can call the police when he is smoking illegal drugs at your home though." Unfortunately it's now so prevalent they barely bother with non dealing users now. Wrong imo as its still illegal.

"You can make him leave if the property is not in his name" not true as they're married it's classed as a joint asset of the marriage. That's why op needs to seek legal advice in real life. It may not be in op's best interests to stay out of the marital home for too long.