Already arguin over his parents role in babies life

[Cokerwolf]

Hi,

My husband and I are 3 months pregnant with our first child and we are already arguing about his parents role in the child’s life.

Let me give you some background, my relationship with his mum has been rocky over the years. The only arguements my husband and I have had have been because of her so we made the decision a year ago to keep her at arms length unless she stopped her behaviour. Since then as she realised she couldn’t get away with her behaviour my relationship with her has improved.

My husband and I have clashed in the past over the state of the in laws house, mouse droppings, dog hair and newspapers from years ago piled high. Thankfully he has since realised that our home is not a show home and that actually his parents house is unacceptable.

My father in law is disabled he has very limited use of his arms (can’t lift or support himself with them) and he is very unsteady on his feet. My mother in law is also disabled.

So the arguements we have been having:

1. I do not want our baby to go to their house as it is filthy. Husband has sort of agreed but has said it will hurt their feelings and so we will have to suck it up.

1. I don’t want them to look after the baby on their own and especially do not want them to take them out of the house on their own. I can just imagine our child toddling about, the in-laws take their eyes off them for 1 second and the next thing our child is 10 metres away running towards a busy road and neither in law would be able to run after them to stop them. Or even before then if one of them was to trip and stumble while carrying the baby they would not be able to stop themselves from falling etc.

It’s not that I don’t want the in laws to be involved, everyone knows you need as much help as you can get with a baby/toddler but I am just not willing to compromise on the safety of my child whether that’s not putting them in a dirty environment or an unsafe one.

I know I’m being silly worrying about these things that haven’t even happened yet but these scenarios keep going around in my head.

Have the ILs offered to help? If not you may be arguing over nothing!

YANBU. Those aren't little issues. You have genuine concerns over the safety of your child. Your husband should be listening to you and supporting you on this. I didn't want DD to go to my inlaws until she had turned 1 as FIL smoked, so she didn't.

If your husband won't support you then talk to your midwife, they will agree with your concerns and you can then both discuss this with your husband. Having a professional point of view may help. He needs to put his child's safety before his parents feelings.

Have they already said they want the baby at their house OP? Asked to babysit etc?

Doesn't sound like they'd be able to look after the baby anyway?

Yanbu to be so concerned about the state of their house either, sounds awful!

No, they don’t even know we are pregnant yet. We live over 2 hours away and so I know it will be down to us to make the trips so they can see their grandchild and I know that this just won’t be possible in the first couple of months which does buy me some time. My husband is just always so worried about their feelings. I’m sure as soon as he meets our child his protectiveness will kick in and he will see my concern for safety over their feelings. His sister is due a few months before us so I am hoping that will highlight their weaknesses and so we won’t have to.

It doesn’t help that there is a lot of jealousy/bitterness from the IL’s around my parents. My parents are wealthy, retired young and have a large house with a nursery set up already and the IL’s comment about this all of the time for example when we got married they didn’t understand why we needed such a grand wedding (zzzzzz).

When I was pregnant with our first I naively believed that the grandparents would want to be involved, how wrong was I! They may not even be bothered. No point in getting worked up about something that may not be an issue.

Well it's easy if they are 2 hours away to avoid them being alone with dc. Let's all go for a walk together.
If they both have physical needs it's easy to see how things around the house would get on top of them tbh.
Maybe he could talk to them about getting some additional help for themselves.

And I think it's odd to have a nursery all set up when there's not even a pregnancy. Talk about making assumptions that the child is going to sleep over. They would have been told already that this isn't happening.

1. If there are mouse droppings in the house, that's GROSS. It could also be a health hazard. Does your DH recognize that? Realistically, if his parents are upset because you won't take your baby over there, they have three choices: clean it up, hire someone to clean it, or move to a home that's easier to clean/maintain. Not your responsibility to handle their feelings.

1. If his parents are disabled, I would be seriously concerned about their ability to care for a baby or toddler. If FIL can't pick up the baby, what if something happens? If MIL is disabled, how steady is she? If she's using a Zimmer frame or a cane, she could fall. Imagine how serious it could be if she fell with your baby in her arms.

Ultimately, your DH needs to recognize that his parents are older and they are becoming frail. He needs to take into account the fact that they're not capable of looking after a child on their own, nor is their home a safe environment.

My IL’s smoked (cigarettes and weed) and led a rough lifestyle. Open door house with random ‘mates’ turning up with massive untrained ‘hard status’ dogs. Dirty house. Drank during the day. Took other grandchildren out in car after drinking and without seatbelts.

My rules were that DD could only visit with me or DH present. No being left alone or babysat and I took the fall on that one by allowing DH to use my anxiety as an excuse. More of a “Friday hates leaving DD so we don’t need babysitters thanks” kind of excuse. I also got him to promise that if they smoked he would leave and explain that he couldn’t stay if they were smoking and if any random dogs were brought into the house that he would stand holding DD or leave.

They were arsey for a year or so and then one day MIL heard that my parents had looked after DD and rang me raging. It was a joyous moment as her starting it allowed me to tell her exactly what I thought. I basically told her that it was my rules or she wouldn’t see DD at all and that I didn’t owe her fuck all. Liberating. After that she towed the line more.

Your DH’s priorities should now shift from his parents feelings to his child’s safety & health. If not, he’s not a good dad

so You’re essentially arguing over what ifs as your in laws don’t even even know about the pregnancy. And they’re two hours away anyway. I think you may want to think about how your husband feels about you “being rude” about his parents. They sound like they live in a hovel however they’re still his parents and he’s understandably getting upset and defensive. I’d drop the issue coz at the moment there really is no issue

Assuming Valeo is the OP, she says her parents have a nursery - we don't know if they have grandchildren already. We know that OP's SIL is also pregnant, presumably her husband's sister as OP mentions she will see how the ILs get in with that baby first.

I think in the early stages, OP, the baby won't be crawling around the dirt so it'll be easier to take them to visit (at least, once they can travel that long). Once the baby is crawling, then dog hair and mouse droppings are grim, I wouldn't go there either.

As for care, hopefully they won't get much of a chance if they're so far. My ILs are older and both a bit frail. They have both had several trips and falls over the past few years. I am hoping they know their own limitations and won't walk around with our DC, due soon. I know they're very excited though, and I'm worried something may happen. I'm just going to have to watch them carefully, I think.

Thank you for all of your responses. DH is being a fab dad already, super protective and making sure I am eating all the right things etc so I am sure once the baby is here and once he understands that my concerns are genuine and not just me being a bitch towards the ILs that he will have the same view point as me.

I guess I have to stand firm in the belief that it is our child therefore our rules and we know best. If the ILs have issue then that is their problem not mine and I guess we will have to cross that bridge when we come to it:

And yes is am the original poster, I updated my profile settings including my profile name as previous one was very old.

I don’t feel like I have been rude about DH’s parents as I always approach conversations sensitively with him (I need him on my side after all) I have simply said what the reality is over their physical condition and the condition of their house.

And yes it is a lot of what if’s and I am hoping that it’s more in DH’s head and him wanting to make sure that they are involved than an issue with the actual ILs. When I started the thread it wasn’t a moan about the ILs it was a moan about the fact my DH is arguing with me over my fears.

And yes my parents do have grandchildren already and they know about this pregnancy!

Well, one thing that is a little confusing is that you’ve said you don’t want to take your baby there, but you’ve also said that you would have to visit them in order for them to see the baby. How do you plan to negotiate that? From your DH’s perspective, it might be unclear exactly how his parents are to have a relationship with their grandchild. Perhaps you could make some suggestions about how to facilitate the relationship despite the difficult circumstances.

God I hate that, my husband and I are preganant 🤯 you’re pregnant
I wouldn’t have my child in a filthy house, and I wouldn’t let them be cared for by ppl who couldn’t care for therm self. Tell them they need a cleaner or have them round your house for a visit. Simple

I just think it is so sad. Life can be so unfair to people.

I know my in-laws who are rich would offer money to help my parents if they were disabled or unable to clean because of disabilities. They are rich and just would do that sort of thing in a flash I am very fortunate.

It must be so hard for your dh.

Yes you can't take your baby there unless someone really helps out your in-laws and it looks like that is unlikely to happen.

You are really lucky you have your parents and they are rich your baby will be better off as a result.

I wouldn't want my baby in a filthy house but if my in laws were disabled and living in one I would be helping my DH to sort out what help was available to to them so the didnt have to live like this.

I have to make it clear, the IL’s house is not filthy due to their disabilities. It has always been that way since before the FIL became disabled and as long as the DH can remember. MIL is also very capable of getting around a house to clean she just chooses not to. Everyone knows they just can’t be bothered. Help has been offered by the whole family, we have offered to pay for cleaners, to clean the house ourselves, have suggested they move to a more manageable house and they are not willing to help themselves. Hopefully once grandchildren are in the picture they will see that something needs to change, the DH and I expressing our concerns and refusing to stay with them hasn't been enough yet.

Money has nothing to do with their ability to be grandparents it is just always used as an excuse by them.

I wouldn’t worry about it.

I think the 2 hours away will prevent any offers of ‘spur of the moment’ babysitting and if they ask for anything else you simply won’t/don’t need the help.

If you will be letting your parents look after your child then there is no need to make a big deal of this with your in laws.

Congratulations ok your pregnancy.

@sweeneytoddsrazor hahaha if only it was always that simple.

This thread could be describing my mum. She only lives 5 mins from me so she can see my kids at my house.

There's no way my 2yr or 9month old ds would be allowed in her bungalow. It's hazardous and their health trumps everything else.

I wish I could take them there but first she'd need to admit there's a problem, seek and agree to help.

You have my sympathies op. Your discussion with DH should center around issues of safety for your child; presuming that if they could make it safe (by your standards not theirs) visiting their house wouldn't be a problem.

A possible alternative if they can't/won't sort the house would be for you all to meet up somewhere nearby.

You can certainly take your baby when tiny just as you can take them in parks and the tube and shopping malls- you don’t need to put a tiny baby down when out so you just carry them. Once they are running around etc... but do your dhs parents need help? Is that the real issue? Would they have a clean house if they were young and fit??

Yabu
Your husband has two disabled parents. I am in disbelief that he has not already outsourced help for his parents who are living in what you have suggested to be a hazardous and dangerous environment.
As others have said, unless the have offered to look after 12 week feotus you are carrying then this is irrelevant. I doubt they need anymore strain in their day to day lives.

Dont stress at this stage.

I naively expected grandparents to be involved too, how wrong was I.

Never once did any of my LO get babysat by any grandparent. No one offered to take them out, nothing

You maybe getting worked up over nothing at all

LittleScottieDog

It's not just the droppings being on the floor that is the problem. I do not know if this issue exists in the UK, but here (North America) we have a problem with a disease called Hantavirus Pulmonary Syndrome (HPS). The virus that causes HPS is carried by deer mice and is present in their droppings. When the droppings dry, the dust from them carries the virus and can be inhaled. This is why it's recommended that people sprinkle water over mouse droppings before sweeping them and wear a respirator while cleaning them up. It's an airborne problem.

While I don't know that Hantavirus is an issue in the UK, my point is that the dust FROM the droppings can be just as dangerous as the droppings themselves. If the baby is in that environment, he or she could inhale dust particles.

Yanbu.

Will your pils accept they need help to clean their home up. If so dh has 3 months to get kitchen, living room and bathroom to an acceptable standard so they can see their grandchild in their own home.

I would see how you go with them wanting time alone. What are they asking for?

OP I totally totally get that it is unacceptable to take a baby into a house environment that you describe.

But people don't get to the stage of mouse droppings by just being lazy and not bothering. There must be much more than that.

There must be some serious mental health issues alongside the disabilities.

It is to my way of thinking extremely sad.

There are some good podcasts on this type of stuff.

It does sound like FIL at least has a disability which is going to make it hard to clean.