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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you would be concerned if your DP/DH made this lifestyle choice?

23 replies

WaterBird · 03/12/2018 16:22

It's actually my dad that I am asking about here, but I also wanted to know what these in a relationship might think.
For the past few months, he has been extremely determined to lose a lot of weight. He had been very concerned about my weight as a university student, and has been really stressing the importance of not overeating at uni. All good so far.
However, he recently opened up to me about his own weight struggles and I'm really worried. He chose to lose after one too many negative comments from people. He had an original target weight to go down to, but he has long surpassed that and now has a new goal. He checks himself on the scale twcce a day, which I would think would be quite anxiety-provoking. I feel like since he is my parent, I should just be expected to trust that he knows what he is doing, but I feel these comments (made mostly by people in passing), have really affected him.
I'm not sure how much he has told other family members, but everyone else appears just proud of him for his determination, and doesn't seem to see anything wrong.
AIBU to be worried?

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 03/12/2018 16:25

He shouldn’t be commenting on your weight or lifestyle choices.

Suggest seeking to move to a more adult to adult relationship with him.

His choices about his lifestyle / weight loss are fair enough, unless perhaps he is now underweight.

Original poster

WaterBird · 03/12/2018 16:36

Thank you. No, he is not underweight but I feel that if he keeps up his weight loss regime and sets new goals, this could become the case.
I have always taken his suggestions about improving my lifestyle as genuinely caring, because he has today them rather sensitively, and is generally a very good parent. The fact that he has very recently insisted I step on the scales each time I visit home is very out of character for his personality, which is why I think that he is really letting his own issues get in the way.
Me: "But I just weighed myself last week" Him: "I do it twcce a day"

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 03/12/2018 16:38

He basically weighed you?! Totally unacceptable!

madcatladyforever · 03/12/2018 16:45

I can't see a problem here, he has probably realised he needs to lose weight to avoid, heart attack, stroke, diabetes, high blood pressure etc. Good for him.
It sounds as if he is just concerned for you but like all men lacks finesse and is not being subtle. A woman would be more sensitive to your feeling, men are not.
I'd congratulate him on his weight loss and be very blunt back i.e well done for losing all the weight but my weight is my business and I am not prepared to discuss it again.

Original poster

WaterBird · 03/12/2018 17:08

Thank you all. I'll talk to him about my own weight, and I'm glad to see that nobody found the way he is dealing with his own lifestyle to be wrong or concerning.

OP posts:

blueshoes · 03/12/2018 17:22

What is the lifestyle choice?

I don't consider losing weight or constant weighing a lifestyle choice

Original poster

WaterBird · 03/12/2018 17:25

Hi Blueshoes,
I might have used the wrong word. I agree that the idea of losing weight is admirable. But I felt his choice to check the scales twice a day and constantly setting new targets was concerning.

OP posts:

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 03/12/2018 17:26

I think if this were a teenage girl, these would be warning signs. It's great to lose weight but he does sound quite obsessive. Just keep an eye on him and keep the conversation going and if it starts going too far, contact BEAT. Losing weight is brilliant and important, obsessing over it is not.

Original poster

WaterBird · 03/12/2018 17:26

Doesn't constantly checking weight lead to more anxiety?

OP posts:

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 03/12/2018 17:36

I wonder if the response would be the same if a young woman was doing this? I have lost weight and need to loose more and weighing twice a day is not helpful or constructive. I would keep an eye out for signs of an eating disorder if this was happening in my family.

Original poster

WaterBird · 03/12/2018 17:38

Thank you both. I will.

OP posts:

MattFreisCheekyDimples · 03/12/2018 17:39

The obsessiveness does sound quite worrying tbh. One of my siblings has recently lost a lot of weight, which she did need to do for health reasons, but she's done it much too fast and, like your DF, is rapidly moving the goalposts to somewhere new and not necessarily healthy. When people lose a lot of weight, they attract a very intoxicating range of compliments, attention and praise, both from friends/family and from our culture generally, and reasonable concerns can easily be reinterpreted as envy. It's not surprising that things can get out of hand, and, as a pp said, overweight adults losing a lot of weight don't ring alarm bells the way teenage girls do.

I certainly think it would be appropriate to keep a watchful eye and try to map obsessive behaviours on to psychological traits or patterns so that if you feel the need to intervene you have more to talk about than just weight or eating habits, which will be a hard case to make if everyone else is impressed and proud.

Helmetbymidnight · 03/12/2018 17:39

I think people who weigh themselves twice a day have issues, yes.

BlueJava · 03/12/2018 17:43

I don't think your dad necessarily has a problem - my own dad is pretty strict about what he eats. If offered more dessert for example he'll say "No thanks, need to look after my waistlilne" or "No, weighed myself and I'd put on 2lb yesterday, so I won't have that today". It's like he is massively disciplined about it and I know he frequently (probably daily) checks his weight. He's 85 but it seems to be a habit for him rather than something that concerns him. May be your dad is the same.

Original poster

WaterBird · 03/12/2018 18:19

Thanks all. Will keep an eye out but not worry too much.

OP posts:

WinterfellWench · 03/12/2018 18:22

He is obsessed. Weighing yourself twice a day is stupid. And pointless.

And making YOU weight yourself? Fuck that. WTF?

I hope you laugh at him and tell him to not be a dick!

WinterfellWench · 03/12/2018 18:22

Making you WEIGH yourself (not weight!)

Motoko · 03/12/2018 18:33

I don't think your dad necessarily has a problem - my own dad is pretty strict about what he eats.

You don't think that weighing himself twice a day is a sign that he could have a problem? And expects his DD to get on the scales when she visits is totally normal is it?

Original poster

WaterBird · 03/12/2018 18:49

For these of you that think he's obsessed, how would you suggest I talk to him?
And I don't think he's intentionally trying to be a dick. I think he is projecting his worries on me but I don't feel he is doing it to make me feel bad. It's really out of character of him and I'd say he's reasonable about most things.

OP posts:

ragged · 03/12/2018 19:01

This is how anorexics start. Look at the bulemia John Prescott had.

Plain speaking without blame? "Dad, I'm so pleased at how successful your weight loss has been. But you know it's possible to go too far with weight loss, right? How will you know that you aren't taking it too seriously?"

Treat him like an adult who can take responsibility for self. But don't pretend there isn't an elephant in the room.

Original poster

WaterBird · 03/12/2018 19:31

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:

Motoko · 03/12/2018 21:11

Remember though, if he has an eating disorder, he'll probably deny it and tell you you're worrying necessarily.

Ultimately though, there's not much you can do. Perhaps have a read about eating disorders, and if he asks you to get on the scales, just refuse.

Original poster

WaterBird · 03/12/2018 22:21

Thanks. Yes, he most definitely will deny.
I'm also considering talking to some of my other family members about my concerns, so that he wouldn't get as much praise (because the praise seems to be motivating him). I don't mean that bad way, but maybe instead of people saying "Good job, that's amazing", they could just say something like "Nice" and then move on to another subject.

OP posts:

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