DH's family *trigger warning*

[LolaLewisReggie]

Have nc'd for this as DH knows my MN username and don't want him potentially seeing this one...!

I sadly miscarried last week. Without going into details, it was really traumatic and the treatment I received at the hospital was completely inadequate. I ended up being re hospitalised for a period of a few days. DH is really struggling, not only with loss of our baby, but watching me in so much pain, blood etc and being absolutely helpless.

Despite my family, and most of my friends, living 3 hours away, I have felt really supported and am dealing with it well (I think). They are also checking in with DH daily, too.

My issue is, however, with his family. His DM, who "showcases" herself across social media as the "perfect, doting mother" has dropped him a text - that's it - saying that she hopes that he's ok (no mention of me, not that I'm bothered). His brother (who is more senior to him in the company they both work for - both senior managers) sent DH a shitty text asking him why he wasn't at work when he was at the hospital attending a follow up appointment with me. DH doesn't report to him. Again, he's not actually asked DH how he is.
No one has bothered to pick up the phone to speak to him, to check in on him and actually ask how he is. DH is not the sort to ask for help and he has a history of anxiety and has suffered with depression in the past. He gives so much to his family and really makes time to help them/support them (financially and emotionally) and in his time of need, no one has reciprocated this.

I'm so angry that if it wasn't for my family, DH would have to deal with this alone. AIBU to pick up the phone and have a word with them and ask them to show more care?!

So sorry for your loss but please don’t phone them, they will label you as mad.

They clearly aren’t empathetic people, maybe not even very nice. Seek support elsewhere. Encourage your family to keep supporting him and, of course support each other.

He can ignore his DB or simply reply that he is taking emergency leave. Sadly it’s impossible to change others and probably DH knows this and could well be a root cause of his anxiety.

I wish you both well.

I totally understand where you're coming from, but it would be not just unreasonable but pointless to phone them and try to tell them off. They don't sound very nice and I'm sure it would simply be used as fodder for their issues with you and your DH. My advice would be for your DH to stop giving them so much of his time and mental energy, and to withdraw from them to a minimum manageable level.

Thought I would come across as unhinged... just so angry that that he feels he hasn't got anyone to confide in, or no one cares about his feelings, just because no one can be bothered to pick up the phone to speak to him.

Don't phone them. That would be a huge mistake. Leave your husband to deal with them.

Stay out of it.

But, that is the way some perceive the role of a man to be. Feelings, emotions, blah, they're for the women. It's a viewpoint held by some men and some women. They'll see that so long as you're not dying you should turn to female support and let him get back to work.
I've felt this pressure (not from a tragedy, and you have my sympathies for what you're going thru), and seen it applied to others - death of a family member, you can have the funeral day off but that's your lot.

I feel your pain OP and I'm sorry for your loss. Many years ago, I got pregnant after a few years of trying. When I went for my 12 week scan they found I'd had a MMC and I had to have an op to have it removed. Back home, my family, friends and work colleagues were all great and supportive and sent cards and flowers. Nothing from DH family. They were in the process of organising SILs wedding. A day after my op, when I was back home, MIL asked my DH to pick her up (she lived 20 mins away) and take her to a make up practice session at a place near us. She came in our house and saw all the cards and flowers and was a bit taken aback, as she'd brought nothing. When she returned after the make up session, she'd brought some cheap, straggly flowers that had obviously come from the local garage. It hurt a lot. I got my own back though because a week later she expected me to pick her up and take her to a hen night meal for her DD (which would have been another 45mins drive away) and take her home after. I was still upset about the MMC so that was my excuse not to go and she had to find someone else to play taxi for her.

I wouldn't give your in laws the headspace. They're obviously not empathetic people. I'm glad you are getting better support from your friends and your own family.

@AdamNichol - you've completely hit the nail on the head. I know I may come under fire for saying this but I do think the men have it harder sometimes as no one really considers them and they don't have anyone to offload to. DH is certainly not suicidal but with this template applied to other situations, it's very obvious why male suicides rates are so high.

@CantWaitToRetire I'm so sorry to hear your story. That sounds horrific, and not a million miles away from home.
I understand life goes on and we are not playing "victim" cards by any means - and the less to do with PILs the happier I am, but my poor DH is devastated that they literally do not care, or haven't considered, that he is really suffering with this. He popped into his mums for last week and she genuinely did not even mention the miscarriage, or even ask how he was. It's very saddening.

I'm sorry to hear your sad news OP and that your inlaws have shown no sympathy or care for either of you. They sound pretty heartless.

I can understand wanting to let rip on them but I think it will only make you feel worse. Take this time to be with your husband and look after each other

They sound like my family. DH is probably conditioned to know that he won't get any support from them. Ringing them up will be of no use because they genuinely won't get your point, or worse, will offer "help" that actually makes things worse.
I'm sorry for your loss and glad that your family are being supportive.

So sorry for your loss OP. I hope you are doing as well as you can.I wonder if your MiL is from the generation that chalks miscarriages up to just one of those things? Doesn't excuse your brother-in-law though - that's just weird.