To cut my mum completely off

[Spotlighting]

Grew up with my mum and myself being severly abused by my dad he nesrly killed her on a few occasions infront of me, she finally left him when I was 11.
Then we moved into our own home far far away, near her side of the family that I'd never met in my life. It was nice when it was just us and she didnt drink, but then I came home from school one day and she was drunk, naked with a complete stranger she'd just met in the pub. I was 13.
I told her I wanted to live with my Nan- who i didn't even know and who had dementia, she said yes. She gave me 20 pound a week for bus/food in school.
I stayed with my Nan for the next 7 years- basically i was her carer. Anyway I got away, now married with a DD. We have always spoke. But she just doesn't make an effort, if i don't call, she won't. Asked multiple times when is she going to come see me and DD- shes always in the pub. Said I'll go to hers - her boyfriend works nights so is sleeping. Well go to a cafe- she has no money (but will be in the pub)
Shes not seen us in 5 months. I've tried. I don't know what more I can do. She wants me to take her shopping for her xmas stuff, I want to say no, But I also want her to see her granddaughter!!
Wibu to just end all contact? I blame myself for the abuse she suffered as she always said she stayed cause she wanted me to have a Dad.

Firstly

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT

secondly I would only cut her off completely if that's what you really want to do after exploring all options through some counselling. You sound lovely, She sounds toxic (although probably a lot of that related to the abuse she suffered) but you have to judge if it's all worth her having a relationship with you and your daughter. How much slack are you willing to give her.

Don't blame yourself for the abuse, you were a child. She is absolving responsibility. Funny how she wanted you to have a Dad but wasn't bothered about you having a Mother or your child having a Grandparent. Stop chasing this woman, she will only disappoint you. You don't need the stress of a massive fall out just step back. If you don't hear from her, you don't. Say, you don't want to go christmas shopping but she is welcome to come round and have lunch/afternoon tea.

I would take a very very big step back. Take your daughter to see her once or twice a year (depending on what dd wants). I think it's important for your dd to grow up with some realistic idea of what her grandmother is really like, so she doesn't blame you in the future.

I've cut my mum off for similar reasons. Counselling made me realise that the title of Mum or Dad isn't just a given, it has to be proved and earned.

Congratulate yourself for forging a life for yourself, with your DH and DD. Because with childhoods and parents like yours and mine, it's all too easy to follow a path to misery as an adult.

Don't waste your energy with her, you get nothing back from her and just feel disappointed and miserable from her lack of mothering instinct / care.

Concentrate on your own family and be kind to yourself. You owe her nothing and yourself everything.

Seek counselling if need be, it really changed me as a person.

Good luck. Be happy.

Thank you all
Ich will, are you my sister haha