Tips for managing 4 yo behaviour?

[Magicmonster]

My son has recently turned 4. He’s always been very strong willed and energetic but until recently used to listen when we asked him to do things (albeit not always the first time!). Recently however he has been more naughty. Lots of hitting or kicking his little sister if she touches his things, or us if we tell him no, and lots of talking (shouting!) back/ ignoring any requests to tidy up, be a bit quieter etc. I’ve made him sound like an absolute horror, and he can be lovely when he wants to be, but I’m getting exasperated with his behaviour. I try naughty step but he just moves. I try sending him to his room but he opens the stair gates and comes downstairs. Obviously I try endlessly explaining both at the time and when he’s calm why we can’t hit etc. He has quite a few books about not hitting etc too. He knows he’s on the naughty list for Santa but doesn’t seem to care! Anyone have any other tips that have worked for them?! Thanks in advance!

Use positive language

Not 'don't hit your sister' but 'use kind hands'

So say 'tidy up' say 'take X to your room' 'pick up the lego' - get a tidy up song so you have 3 mins or so and it's quick

Reward good behaviour constantly until it becomes normal

Agree with greentulips about rewarding the good behaviour.
But what happens when he moves from the naughty step or comes downstairs when he’s been sent to his room? Is it the case that at the moment he gets up from the naughty step, you send him back, he gets up, you send him back and repeat until he just exhausts you with it? Could you try telling him that if he’s does these things there will be an additional punishment (favourite toy taken away for a period of time for example) and then absolutely always follow through on that?

Has anything changed for him recently, or perhaps someone has started being mean to him at nursery?

I wonder if anything has triggered the sudden change in behaviour. If so and if you can discover what, you could address it.

I’d be taken aback too if my 4yo son started acting that way, sounds like you’re doing all the right things

Does he feel his sister is allowed to do what she wants because she's little? Is she breaking his things (including just destroying a Lego construction which can be rebuilt but which he's taken pride in and isn't dobe with, ripping or scribbling on pictures, messing up carefully placed toy car traffic jams etc) without consequences?

I found that although the smaller sibling doesn't understand, it really helps the older one if you're fair.

So even if his little sister is 10 months and clearly (to you) too little to understand the consequences of her actions, put her on the naughty step if she spoils his stuff (sit with her, even with her on your knee if necessary) - you're not actually punishing her, but showing your DS that you're fair.

It's also really important to set him up to play where she can't spoil his toys - up at the table, or you put his sister in a sling and keep her with you, or one or other of them has a playpen as a safe space (if he's in it it's by choice to protect his Lego/ puzzle/ game from his sister, not to contain him obviously).

4 is still so little but a lot of parents expect so much tolerance and forbearance from older siblings, it's really not surprising that they kick off sometimes.

Thanks so much for everyone’s thoughts. Blueskies - I particularly like your idea of putting his younger sister on ‘time out’ too so that he doesn’t feel she is getting preferential treatment all the time. I did this today when she took a bauble off the Christmas tree and he seemed really happy that she was getting consequences for being naughty! Im sure it won’t totally solve the issue but hopefully will help a bit.

I don't agree with the naughty step! He doesn't need to be sent to his room either. He needs to be close to you.
He's only little and is jealous of the baby sister, which is a natural reaction at his age, especially now she's able to try to grab his toys.

So, use positive reinforcement, as Green Tulips said.
Don't 'endlessly explain' anything. He's four, so he won't be listening.
Use very simple language and short phrases, making sure that he is looking at you.
Even better, model (do) the behaviour you want. Tidy up with him, make it a game, race him to get the last toy.
Help him to have his special toys out of the baby's reach. Help him choose which of his old toys the baby can play with. Praise this kind generosity!
Children this age copy what the adults do, not what the adults tell them to do.

10 month old grabbing baubleisnt being naughty it s curious... get chikd friendly baubles low down.
Maybe she s now moving around and impacting more on him
He s feeling left out so is attention seeking.
Naughty list for Christmas is too much it s still three weeks away! So much excitement going on it s a lot to expect a little one not to be excited..

We've got one the same age who sounds very similar. When we remember (which isn't very often 😞) we recognize good behaviour by putting a cotton wool ball in his. Reward jar. When it's full he gets a reward like a magazine or trip to the museum. Incentive does seem to work for him. Ultimate sanction is threat of removal of a cotton wool ball. I try not to to use the reward as a bribe but to reward it if that makes sense. This is a good reminder to use it more! Other good tips here too. Good luck!

Also, does he go to nursery, and do they do lots of outdoor play. (I'm a nursery worker, can you tell ) He needs lots of opportunities to let off steam.
It's hard for most 4 year olds to be quiet. Some are naturally quiet, but most aren't. Of course you don't want the baby waking or the neighbours annoyed., but maybe have some times he can make a racket. Show him with a clock or timer, when the long hand gets to the top, or whatever, we'll have a Wild Rumpus. Dance, roar, play music, drum on a saucepan, have a laugh.

I would definitely recommend setting up some kind of seperate space for the 4yr old where he can play at his own pace without his little sister crashing in and wrecking his games. We've got a 15mo old and a nearly 4.5yr old and the lovely open plan living kitchen space that is the downstairs of our house just is not working at the moment. Even with the "shared" toys like Duplo and Brio DS wants to make up complicatedtedious stories about Paw Patrol and DD always trys to grab the exact piece DS is using in the game however much he tries to distract her (as we always remind him to) with a different engine/brick/car. She will climb up to see what he's doing if he's colouring at the table and runs off with his jigsaw pieces. We keep reminding him that she does it because she loves him and wants to play with him but doesn't know how yet but he does find it very frustrating and because he's only little himself doesn't always deal with it as well as we'd like.

Any sanctions you do use need to be instant. The naughty list is too nebulous, and Christmas , to a 4 year old, is still ages away.
Tell him he's good, he's on the good list, because he is a good and kind and lovely boy. Please don't reinforce the idea that he is naughty, even if you're feeling frustrated with him.

"I try endlessly explaining both at the time and when he’s calm why we can’t hit etc" - this bit jumped out of your OP at me. Could there be an imbalance between the amount of attention he gets for being naughty, versus when he's being good? If so, that could be worth looking at. Kids are good at figuring out what gets them the most attention (positive or negative) and then doing it reliably. They crave parental interaction, of whatever kind.

We use stickers with DD - they do this at her nursery too. Anything good we can pick up on, she gets a sticker to wear. She loves it, and I see her playing it with her toys too - they're always covered!

Make sure he gets plenty one on one big brother time - helped us enormously with similar issues. Also, it's just a phase!