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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD - kids showing private parts

44 replies

cochineal7 · 02/12/2018 22:56

DD7 has two close friends, B(oy) and G(irl). The three have been pretty much inseparable since reception. I just found out that B has been asking the girls to show them their privates. He doesn't show his. He makes them promise not to tell. DD mentioned it almost by accident when upset about something unrelated, and when I enquired about what she exactly meant, she told me - very matter of factly. She said it made her not very comfortable, but 'he makes them do it, she had promised, and he is their friend'. It apparently happened more than once.

I called G's mother. However, when confronted, G. denied everything to her parents. After mother told me this, we decided to wait and see, as the girls' stories don't match.

Then yesterday, DD told me again - without prompting I may add, and without her displaying any form of judgment; she doesn't seem to realise any of the implications. She casually added he is actually looking inside. I fully believe her. I am in no way cross with DD or letting on how I feel. I am of course reinforcing the good vs bad secrets and good vs bad promises, and the underpants rule and everything else I can think of.

Now what to do? Do I tell B's parents (mother is known to believe he can do no wrong)? The school? I don't want DD to be caught up in a full 'he said - she said' situation. Mother of G is not (yet?) backing me up in light of G's denials; I did inform her of DDs last addition to the story - should I see if she can talk to G again (but I don't want to cause any issues for G) and give it a few days? I have to add B is quite manipulative, and has a history where he was already caught hitting both girls in Y1, which was dealt with by their teacher at the time. WWYD?

OP posts:
Cranky17 · 02/12/2018 23:19

Where is this happening? At school on play dates?

Original poster
cochineal7 · 02/12/2018 23:20

Playdates. Not aware of it happening at school. Which is why I probably can't involve school?

OP posts:
Iwanttoswingfromachandier · 02/12/2018 23:26

The manipulation would worry me but aged 9/10 we were curious is the sense of 'show me yours and I'll show you mine' - it was totally innocent.

this would worry me though just found out that B has been asking the girls to show them their privates. He doesn't show his. He makes them promise not to tell.

I'd be distancing my child from that

MonsterTequila · 02/12/2018 23:27

I would say a professional needs to be involved here in order to decide why the boy is doing this, so I’d be inclined to get advice from SS perhaps on how to handle the situation?

Cranky17 · 02/12/2018 23:28

I would completely stop all play dates and tell b parents why. Don’t know about school, I think I would tell them, I would ask then to be super vigilant and encourage other friendship.
If it was 2 form entry I’d ask that when the class was mixed they not be together.
G’s Mum there is nothing you can do, only protect your dd.

Allthewaves · 02/12/2018 23:34

Well playmates need to stop for a start unless they are at your house and supervised at all times. I'd be informing the school of what's allegedly been happening. This could be a case of ridiculous curious behaviour or indication that the child himself is being abused - and it may not be a parent.

Check out nspcc website about pants rule

Original poster
cochineal7 · 02/12/2018 23:58

Thank you for all your advice. Yes, the reason I was hesitant at first is precisely because it is an (early?) age of ‘you show me yours- I show you mine’. But it doesn’t sit right with me that B seems to be the one demanding to see (including inside), is not reciprocating and the girls are not interested in seeing each other or B. So yes, will stop playdates with B. Has to be said that while DD and G are pretty much B’s main friends, both girls are popular and have many friends. He seems to relish the control he has over them (and I know that sounds strange for that age, but it is the best way to put it).

OP posts:
Sethis · 03/12/2018 00:10

You need to tell his parents sharpish so they can have a conversation with him.

If they express complete disbelief then calmly and politely ask them to explain why your daughter would have told you this, in such detail (looking inside) if it wasn't true?

Certainly unless they respond with "Oh my god, we had no idea, we'll take action immediately" then I wouldn't let my DD go anywhere near that kid again.

Merryoldgoat · 03/12/2018 00:15

My son and his friend (girl) had an ‘comparimg’ session but it was very innocent. No touching, just looking and nothing was secret. He told me, I told the mother and sge said she’d similarly been told.

Your description is altogether less innocent. The secret keeping is a concern and I’d distance myself from the child and his parent.

I’d probably be honest about why but fairly non-confrontationally if the parent tried to push for play dates that I wasn’t keen on.

Reinforce to your daughter about how to deal with boundaries, how to talk to adults about things happening that they don’t want to, and about make sure she knows you aren’t angry with her.

Merryoldgoat · 03/12/2018 00:17

On reflection I would tell the parents of the boy. It’s the right thing to do.

WelcomeToGreenvale · 03/12/2018 01:26

I'm wondering why you're waiting for G's parents to also confirm that this has happened? Your daughter is telling you something and that suggests you aren't listening to her.

It can just be simple curiosity from a 7-year-old, but it's not appropriate to be happening anywhere, in school or outside. If it's happening in school you should contact them, speak to the safeguarding lead or their main teacher, whichever seems appropriate. G may not feel she can speak to her mum about it for any number of reasons, or she may not be experiencing the same as your child. Who knows what's happening in B's home.

Maybe also time for a consent talk with your daughter so she knows that saying no is allowed.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2018 01:51

Why did you continue to allow unsupervised playdates after she told you the first time? You need to stop allowing yoir daughter to be alone with him, and I would make it fully clear to GMom that you are doing so, believe your daughter utterly and want her to be aware of the allegations so she can protect her own child.

You also need to speak to his parents and I would tell school in case Hest doing anything similar at school

CallMeRachel · 03/12/2018 02:33

Does your dd know she should not be showing her genitals to this boy?

If you feel she's not for whatever reason able to refuse then you must protect her from him completely- no contact. Personally if it was my child I'd have strong words with the boy to let him know that what he's doing is not allowed and there's no secrets anymore.

The fact the other girl has denied it means nothing, you know your own child.

TenForward82 · 03/12/2018 07:20

I don't believe this. You ignored your daughter and let her continue to see this boy? Either bullshit or you're a terrible parent.

Handsoffmysweets · 03/12/2018 07:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Handsoffmysweets · 03/12/2018 07:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

TenForward82 · 03/12/2018 07:39

Really hope that's the case!

EmeraldShamrock · 03/12/2018 07:46

God it is awful, I do not think it is unusual. Personally I would lose my shit with them, he knows it is not right that is with it is a secret.
Speak to his mam it will be worth the fall out, you need to show your DD it was wrong and you will be dealing with the situation and protecting her at any cost.

Feefeetrixabelle · 03/12/2018 07:57

I would tell the parents and say you’ll be stopping play dates. Also have a conversation with dd about private parts and why they are private.

Original poster
cochineal7 · 03/12/2018 08:06

I did not let her see him again. I was told first on Friday, spoke to mother of G on Saturday, who reacted same day. Second conversation with DD was Saturday evening. Today is first day back to school. I am certainly believing my daughter.

OP posts:
TheFatberg · 03/12/2018 08:08

Have a look at the Brookes Traffic Light tool. This will help you put into context whether the behaviour is age appropriate or problematic / harmful.

Moreisnnogedag · 03/12/2018 08:16

I would tell both Bs parents and the school. That boy is being exposed to things he shouldn’t be somewhere along the way. Hopefully it’s just inappropriate TV content but it could be abuse. If you only inform his parents then there is the potential he doesn’t get the help he needs.

RadicalFern · 03/12/2018 08:20

The thing that makes me worry here (apart from that it is making your DD uncomfortable) is that he is making them promise to keep it a secret, which may indicate that he thinks he is doing something wrong but is doing it anyway but trying to make sure he doesn't get caught.

Digestive28 · 03/12/2018 08:23

I would tell the school, it may be part of a bigger picture you aren’t aware of. As others have said the worrying thing is the secret keeping as oppose to anything else