Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Friend making joke about Iost babies

25 replies

ooglyboo · 02/12/2018 12:57

Hello all. Over the past year or so i have lost three pregnancies, all after more than three months. It's been hard. A little while ago i told a friend how difficult i was finding it. She responded by making a series of jokes about it. It was incredibly painful and i felt fairly insensitive. Anyway i mentioned to her in quite gentle terms that i had found it difficult. And since then i have been dropped! A few weeks ago she had a party and we were not invited (would have been before). I know i should just shrug and move on but i just can't understand this. Does anyone else!?!!

OP posts:

Strongmummy · 02/12/2018 12:59

Erm, what type of jokes ?!?! This sounds incredibly odd OP.

ButchyRestingFace · 02/12/2018 13:00

It's hard to imagine what kind of 'jokes' a person could make about someone's miscarriages and expect the listener to think it funny. Do you really want this person for a friend?

Does she has previous for 'joking' or is this all out of left field? Do you think she was trying to cheer you up and just put her in foot in it?

Shitshitshitshit · 02/12/2018 13:01

No no no. This is not someone's parties I would want to attend even if I were invited.

You are far better off without this woman that is disgusting and it should be you dropping her.

No one should need to be gently told that making jokes about such a thing is insensitive.

I'm currently going through my sixth and when I was on around number three one of my friends said 'maybe you should just get a dog' and laughed. I was internally appalled and felt so pathetic that they even suggested such a thing would be in any way comparable. Later that night she text me and apologized profusely saying she'd been thinking about it all day and don't know why she said it, she was nervous as she didn't know what to say to me and knew she'd obviously crossed a line.

Your friend has no remorse and is a despicable person.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I understand completely how it feels when no one else really 'gets' it.

TidyDancer · 02/12/2018 13:01

Are you able to tell us exactly what she said? Sometimes people are incredibly insensitive but don't mean what they say, sometimes they are outright vile.

TidyDancer · 02/12/2018 13:02

Sorry posted too soon, I wanted to say how sorry I was about your losses. x

CryingMessFFS · 02/12/2018 13:03

Omg what kind of jokes? She is obviously insensitive and has a screw loose so I really wouldn’t waste time worrying about party invites etc OP, you’ll never understand because people like that are unhinged

Original poster

ooglyboo · 02/12/2018 13:04

Yes i think she was try to cheer me up. She made jokes about how big my bum would have been for exam me and what a total hassle the baby(ies) would have been. Of course i would have done anything for that hassle! She does have a record for saying the wrong thing but her heart is in the right place which is why i let it get. But now i have been dumped and it hurts!!

OP posts:

Alfie190 · 02/12/2018 13:04

There is no situation in which joking about miscarriages is ok.

I am baffled that you refer to yourself as being dropped, she is the one that needed to be dropped, right then and there. She is sick.

Original poster

ooglyboo · 02/12/2018 13:05

Not how big bum!! Bump!!

OP posts:

Original poster

ooglyboo · 02/12/2018 13:06

Auto correct is going mad on my phone, sorry for typos

OP posts:

Shitshitshitshit · 02/12/2018 13:07

ooglyboo whether or not she is a horrible person or just said the wrong thing because she panicked, she still had no remorse when you pointed out that you were hurt by her comments. A good friend, a good person in fact, would have apologised for causing you upset at such a hard time with their stupid comments.

Anyone who thinks it's okay to refer to babies as 'a hassle anyway' to someone going through what you are is a bloody idiot in any event.

Bigonesmallone3 · 02/12/2018 13:07

She's very badly trying to find a silver lining for u.. I wouldn't say she's making jokes..
Tell her that does help not you..
Tell her you was desperate to encounter all those things she describes as the things u wouldn't want to have!

Bigonesmallone3 · 02/12/2018 13:09

Sounds like ur better off without this friend..

Original poster

ooglyboo · 02/12/2018 13:09

Thanks for your responses. I am so baffled by this, can't quite get my head round it. Thank you for reminding me that what she said was not ok.

OP posts:

Cornettoninja · 02/12/2018 13:10

If she’s normally lovely are you sure she’s not utterly mortified and that’s why she’s backed off? Don’t get me wrong, there are some real arseholes in the world who would be unconvinced they’d said anything wrong but if she’s not got form it makes me wonder if she’s got foot in mouth syndrome.

It’s a very tint comfort but I don’t think you’ve been ‘dropped’ in quite the way you think you have based on what you’ve written,

Cornettoninja · 02/12/2018 13:10

*tiny

veeboo · 02/12/2018 13:14

Hi @ooglyboo I am so sorry for your losses. Your friend has totally missed the mark here and she doesn't sound like someone you need around right now. She is clearly struggling to know what to do and you shouldn't feel that's your fault. My mum dies a while ago and this reminds me of a time when someone said wasn't it a relief I didn't have to deal with a nagging mum asking me about having babies/marriage eta. Obviously I'd give anything for that. I just let it go. If you don't want to end the friendship, in time it might be easier.

ButchyRestingFace · 02/12/2018 13:16

Yes i think she was try to cheer me up. She made jokes about how big my bum would have been for exam me and what a total hassle the baby(ies) would have been.

It sounds like this was her extremely cack-handed approach to cheering you up. Not at all unreasonable for you to tell her that it wasn't working and to lay off on the 'jokes'.

What about the PP's suggestion that she might be so embarrassed she can't face you? Is that likely?

Original poster

ooglyboo · 02/12/2018 13:19

I thought that cornet, but have tried to be very nice, and invited her over etc. So it's not like i haven't offered a way back!

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 02/12/2018 13:20

Has she actively dropped you (as in said something) or just not seen you lately? Maybe she's realised how much she hurt you (sounds like she didn't mean to, not that that makes it okay obviously) and is just swerving you to give you some space.

How did she respond when you spoke to her?

I'm not diminishing how much she has hurt you, but it does sound like she's been clumsy rather than anything else.

CryingMessFFS · 02/12/2018 13:21

Now you’ve updated it could be possible she’s mortified that she said something stupid and has backed off? It sounds rather than being malicious and making actual jokes she’s just tried to say something and it’s come out wrong?

Original poster

ooglyboo · 02/12/2018 13:28

Yes i do think it did come out very wrong. Which is why i didn't drop her! But that's also why i feel a bit surprised that i have sort of been dropped!!

OP posts:

BlimeyCalmDown · 02/12/2018 13:29

Sounds to me as if she was trying to find you a silver lining as someone else said, as opposed to being malicious in anyway. I suspect she doesn't know what to say now and feels awkward. Maybe she has no desire for children and doesn't know how to empathise. You were right to say something though, if you value her friendship generally then I would let the party thing go and pick things back up again later. Or drop her a casual line now as if you've drawn a line under it and are ready to move on. If you aren't ready to then maybe take some time out and try this in a few weeks. xx

AGirlinLondon · 02/12/2018 15:05

I had a friend once who I got on with really well. One day, out of the blue, she made an incredibly unkind comment on social media about my boyfriend at the time, being very critical of his appearance in a very cruel way. I didn’t even have time to react - within hours she had unfriended me, deleted the comment and she never spoke to me again. Honestly the shame totally killed her. She was so out of order and worried about my response that she self-isolated!

I left her to it. Honestly I would have forgiven her - it was totally out of character. But life is too short.

Original poster

ooglyboo · 03/12/2018 09:31

Yes, I think that I will move on from this. To be honest it's not the first time she's said something incredibly insulting, on another occasion she was very rude to my DH and he took a while to get over that. It's difficult, we're part of a circle of friends and it can be a little hard to be left out of certain things. I also don't want to be leaving her out because it's all so petty. But yes, AGirl, life is short and perhaps not worth dwelling on it. Thanks everybody for responding to me, it's amazing how you can feel as though I am about 12 and at school again at my grand old age.

OP posts:

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread