To be annoyed by how my mum is with new grandchild

[Mumtoboy123]

Shes always been very self centered and very set in her ways. In 23 years of being her daughter she has never apologised for anything. Whenever we have argued, she has either waited for me to apologsie and said "ok lets move on now" or carried on as if everything were normal.
Anyway, my DS is 8 weeks old and she is annoyingly enthusiastic about it and to him, to an extent where she is showing off but im not sure who to. Whenever she sees him (about once a week) she is cooing over him all the time, even when we are having a conversation thats not about DS and he is fast asleep. When i see my parents together, she gets jealous when my dad is holding DS. Shes constantly saying "nanny send him to sleep" or "he sleeps whenever hes with me" or "pass him here ill send him to sleep" HES 8 WEEKS OLD HE SLEEPS ANYWHERE!!! How does she think i get him to sleep the rest of the week? Does she think he sleeps for 1 hour a week when we see her?!
She is very pushy with offering to have DS for us when we 'need a break' but doesnt understand that i dont want to leave him yet. If i was a single parent i would probably have taken her up on it by now but i have DH and he is amazing and we are so lucky to have each other, we just want to have family time with DS not hand him off to mum so we can go and do something else. No matter how many times i tell her this, she still persists.
Theres too many things to list here but thats the general idea.
I would back off her a bit but im on mat leave and have needed her support and definitly did at the start so i feel i owe her quite a lot but every time i see her she annoys me with DS.
I know people will say im lucky to have my mum around and i know i am, thats why i still see her weekly and sometimes more because i dont want to take her for granted and wish id spent more time with her when shes not here.
Today is her birthday so im seeing her with my dad and DH and im interested to know if she is so forceful when DH is there too.
My question really is, short of cutting her off which i do not want to do, what can i do to stop this? As beginning of post demonstrates, she is VERY stubburn and tends to only see things her way, or if you tell her something annoys you she will insist she wont do it then do it anyway. Ive never actually sat her down and told her its what shes doing which is annoying though.. ive always generalised it. But i dont think i have the heart to tell her and see her get all annoyed/defensive or cry. DH has said he will tell her but never actually does, probably for the same reasons. Is there anything i can do? I kind of need her to magically realise and change!!

Just respond, ‘thanks for the offer, we will let you know when we need help’.
Or ‘DS is comfortable where he is right now, so best leave him be’.
‘Granddad needs to learn how to settle DS as well, and he is doing a good job.’
Goo luck

She won't change I don't think. You and DH can change how you react around her. That's the way to go.

Her behaviour doesn't sound too bad to an outsider but I can see she has taken you by surprise by her behaviour, after being so unloving as a DM to you.

Think through what you want. Her to see baby once a week and allow her constant holding of baby then, her to see baby regularly but you must be in attendance, her not to see baby much until he is older .... and stick to it.
If you feel you owe her it will skew your decision and not be JUST what you want but will be what she is pushing for. Baby is tiny, there are many years ahead for her to bond with it. Do what you and DH want you are the parents.

Yanbu.
I could have written this word for word. If i bring it up, she's the victim. The only apologies I can get, when i force them, are 'I'm sorry you got upset...' rather than an apology for her actions.
No advice, but you aren't alone!

Just find a nice way of saying what you want for your baby as if you don't you will snap or DS will tell them himself! DD is nearly 16 weeks and we have great support from both parents but my PIL are a bit weird. FIL just isn't that bright (he actually asked if we'd be popping over in the after my c section...) and MIL is a martyr who always uses catastrophic language. I know that they all love DD dearly but want to poke and prod her all the time. I would say that your starting a new routine at home so that when baby is asleep it's important he's in his cot undisturbed (we use an angel care monitor with a motion mat so no need to be in the same room. Don't teach her how to use it because it will go off then if she sneaks off to pick DS up). You'll find that DS will also get more vocal as he gets bigger. DD would be cuddled by anyone until 12 weeks when she became more clingy and aware so would cry to come back to me. I've nipped any comments from MIL in the bud as she'd start saying ' Oh you only want mummy' in a whiny voice or 'I'm just evil grandma'. I just framed it that she's obviously very bright and working it all out, and isn't the best thing about GDCs that you can hand them back. Don't leave baby until your confident although I would urge you to find someone you trust that isn't DH in case of emergencies so that DS builds up confidence with them. DD has had a few half days with my parents and had a great time. This has been really helpful when I've had medical apts or DH had a motorbike accident.

You might be well advised to read and learn a lot more about narcissem OP. You are never going to change her so you might have to do lots of adjusting yourself. That and maybe see her a bit less for yur own MH.

I think you feel in your heart that she is trying to take over your baby - and you may be right! She is (understandably) thrilled with him, but it looks from your post as though she has the intention of being his "favourite" adult , so she can bask in this and boast about how much he loves her and prefers her to everyone else.

Nip it in the bud NOW! I've seen this happen in the past and you wouldn't believe how divisive it can be - and you also get a child who goes running to Nanny whenever they don't get their own way at home, or Nanny will give/tell child things and say - "Now don't tell anyone". It leads to a very unhealthy secrecy. It can also cause even more trouble if you have more children - your mother may change allegiance to the newest baby, pushing the older favourite out, or may continue to favour the first child - but either way you end up with a child who feels rejected by a grand-parent and doesn't know why.

Weenurses' suggestions here

Just respond, ‘thanks for the offer, we will let you know when we need help’.
Or ‘DS is comfortable where he is right now, so best leave him be’.
‘Granddad needs to learn how to settle DS as well, and he is doing a good job.’

are nice and tactful, but you will have to be firm.

We can all be annoying, it’s still early days for you all and your mother is excited ( which to you is the frustrating part)

When she says about you having time together and her minding the baby your answer is no, as you want to be a family.

Fair enough but is your dh on board with this? Maybe he’d like to take you for an evening meal and you can spend some time together- have you asked him?

You can still be a family and do adult things for a couple of hours

But if the two of you don’t want to that’s fine, tell your mum we don’t want to yet but when the time comes for babysitting you’re first on the list. Then move on with the conversation.

Does she hurt the baby cuddling dc? If not don’t sweat the small stuff, take the time to do something around the house and move away from the situation if it’s irritating you

That was/is my mother to a tee!

She'll never change & whilst it's early days, her actions are coming from a good place as she clearly loves DGS. My mother used to wear a very strong perfume in the early weeks 'so DD could tell her apart from me'. Bloody nightmare trying to settle her later as DD couldn't smell me & reaked of the perfume.

Let her fuss when she see's DS, as long as it sticks to his routine. You take that time for a bath or a shower, a bit of you time. It can work with a little tongue biting lol.

Thank you for all.ypu advice and care.
I think some of you have hit the nail on the head and put into words shat i couldnt. I feel shes found all this love and care for him when she wasnt interested in the caring aspect of our relationship, ever (im the youngest of 4 and very much feel like they were bored by the time they got to me). She defo is trying to have a relationship with him which she hasnt yet worked to form. She wants to be his go to and his faviourite and almost forge an alliance against me in a 'mummy wont give it to you so nanny will' kind of way.

Im sensing i need to get my big girl pants on and be firm otherwise its going to get very difficult

I kind of need her to magically realise and change!! Well that won't happen. Sorry!!

When we have children of our own, it often brings our childhood into sharp focus and makes us analyse the parenting we received and it makes us think about the kind of parents we want to become. Having some sort of counselling is not such a bad idea.

Decide what you want in terms of contact with her and perhaps think of things you want to do together so you don't have to watch her interact with your son in a way that makes you feel like this. For example, go to Christmas activities while you carry him in the sling, have coffee together in local nice places, or go shopping while she pushes the pram and gives you a spare pair of hands. Perhaps invite her round and let her hold the baby while you cook, sort laundry, do a 20 minute meditation session. Or if that feels like giving her too much control or will make her feel like you need her help then find a way to put yourself in control.

I think it is interesting to find out what it was like when she first had you. Did she have her mother around? Did she want her mother around? What about her mother in law? Did she give up a job to be a Mum? Did she want to?

I think it is important to explain to your mother how you feel, even if it makes her uncomfortable. 'Mum, it is kind of you to offer, but DH and I don't need any time away from DS. That time might come but for now, we are very very happy to spend as much time as we can with him. We do have X event coming up in Y months time and we would love you to baby sit for us then.'

How would you feel if she wasn’t interested in your baby?

That’s a lot of conclusions you’ve come to in your last post, maybe the problem is both of you. Perhaps sit down and ask your mum why

Ask her why do you keep asking to babysit when I’ve already answered the question with a no, I’ll let you know when.

Ask your mum why do you keep cuddling the baby when he’s asleep

Ask your mum why all the love for baby but I felt you’d run out of affection for me?

Sit and ask those questions

Maybe you’ll find some answers, but you won’t find any answers with accusations and assumptions

This is why i stubbornly stuck with breastfeeding. Gave me an excuse to wrestle the baby off nanny and dissapear upstairs when i got overwhelmed.
“She’ll stop crying for nanny” with much jiggling and shaking. I’d say she was hungry but it’d still take 10m of following her around while she swung her back to me so i couldn’t physically grab her insisting she could settle her. Then i’d get the “she can’t be hungry again” speil with warnings i didn’t have enough milk, and i should let nanny give a bottle and that would solve everything.

Breastfeeding also meant her cries for overnights were denied too. There was also the obsession with wanting to give her a bath.

If you’re not bf i’m not sure what you can do. I would probably have had to stop seeing her.

Maybe I'm wrong but when DD was a baby (and she was a full on velcro baby), if anyone else wanted to have a go at holding her, entertaining her, settling her, then they were more than welcome. My mum was an extension of me when it came to looking after DD. She did exactly the same as us in terms of how to soothe her and settle her. DD actually stayed over with my mum at 10 weeks (I'm not suggesting you do this btw if you're not comfortable yet).

DD is older now and adores my mum and when she was having a problem recently, she felt able to phone my mum for help as she was worried about telling me so my mum stepped in to tell me and it all got sorted. Rather than seeing it as a competition, I was pleased DD had a great support network around her.

Let your mum enjoy your baby and build a great relationship. Your baby will not love you any less. Take advantage of the time she wants to spend, go and have a bath or a sleep and let her watch the baby.

(I kind of know where you're coming from though. My MIL once tried to wake DD by subtly kicking the bottom of the moses basket stand to jiggle it so DD woke up so she could have cuddles! That was NOT ALLOWED! If velcro baby was actually asleep any where that wasn't on me, velcro baby had to be left in peace!)

Maybe try and get her to direct her love to more practical things, could she make you dinner, help round the house. Of course everyone wants to hold the baby whilst someone else gets on with the boring stuff. I think if she could be more helpful in other ways it's then nice to give her some baby time whilst you have a shower etc or just a rest on your own.

TBH I feel quite sorry for you! This baby could be the ideal time to build bridges with your mum. As another poster said, ask your mum the questions you want answers for.
I've recently become a granny, and the times I spend with my grandson are very precious. I love him just as much as I do my own and feel just as protective towards him. The way your mum is being with your baby is very normal. What isn't normal is the way you want to keep her at arms length. All to often, when a woman gives birth, memories of her childhood and the relationship she has with her own mum come flooding back, but sometimes they only remember the negatives. I know this happened when I had my first baby. However, I also remember the relationship I had with my own granny, who would spoil me rotten, sometimes do the opposite of what my mum would do, but generally make me feel extra special. Parents have the best and worst parts of parenting, having to be both good and bad cop at times. Grandparents generally only need to be good cop. I remember as a teen, I'd run away from home to grannies house, cry and complain, she'd listen, give me cake and take me home and make me talk to my mum. She wasn't undermining my mum, but she was able to calm me down enough to be able to listen to my mum.
Grandparents can be brilliant, don't push your mum away!