To be annoyed with my parents

[bee169]

I was at my brothers wedding last night and my parents asked the whole family to stay at a local hotel. I wanted to stay at the wedding venue the night before as my son has autism and learning difficulties and would be really unsettled to change. However my parents wanted me to stay at the same hotel as them and said they would cover this as an anniversary present. I honestly wasn’t expecting anything for our anniversary and would prefer to do my own thing as I have a difficult relationship with them -they are very negative and controlling)

It seems that they have covered the hotel bill for the whole extended family but told me this is an anniversary present. To be clear this is def not about the money.

AIBU to feel annoyed :(

It was just a way of saying you didn't have to worry about money. They did a nice thing.

You could have said no, and just paid for a room at the venue. No one forced you to take up their offer.

No you can’t be annoyed about the money and how it was phrased, but the lack of understanding over what’s best for you son is frustrating

Seems like they did a nice thing to me. They dont have to get you an anniversary present

So was it everyone's anniversary gift... nope... So shitty thing to do.

Do they buy anniversary presents for other people? So they got a hotel stay and will still get a present as well? While you will only get the hotel stay as that’s your present? If so YANBU, that’s unfair.

I would mention it in passing, just so they know you know

YABU to be complaining about how they positioned the fact they paid for your stay. Saying it was an anniversary gift could just have been there way of getting you to accept their hospitality.

It's their son's wedding and they wanted their family around them and they paid for everyone.

Would you actually have been happier if you were all at check out, and they paid for your family and then you stood and watched your siblings pay for themselves?

Would you have been annoyed if you stayed and the other hotel and then found out your parents paid for your siblings?

I would let it go to be honest and certainly wouldn't say anything else to them other than thank you.

YABU - they gave you an anniversary gift. What they gave to other people is neither here nor there.

It seems a bit odd to me. They did it for everyone else, so why does it have to be a special gift for you?

Thanks for the replies. I am honestly not upset about the money at all. I have had so many problems with them that I guess I have trust issues and want to distance myself from them. They seemingly cannot go a day without putting me down. Even at the wedding my dad gave a speech and said something at my expense which he thought would be funny and some of the guests said he was out of line to say those things. They do this all the time and during the wedding started to make negative comments about my 6year old daughter which got me really upset.

I just wish they had said from the beginning we are paying for your hotel room which I would more easily refuse. I would then have flexibility for my family needs. Refusing a gift feels really rude. For me this is about trying to move away from them and them trying to pull me back in line.

I really do appreciate everyone’s honest opinions - it helps put things into perspective.

They paid for an expense you could reasonably have been expected to pay yourself. You didn't expect an anniversary present either.

If you want to stay where you please, you pay for it. And you just say no. Their motives are their issue.

I don't think is about the room. There is history which has made you - rightly or wrongly- suspect their motives. Have a good think about how your relationship generally - if they are amenable to a chat about whatever it is bothering you talk to them and try to express it, if not disengage a bit.

From my view it was one night. It won't matter much in a month (unless it is part of a much bigger picture).

I have a child with ASD (amongst other issues) and I know how tough it can be 

I sent flowers - my emojis aren't working sorry.

You don’t need toxic people in your life - nobody does!

Could it be that they weren't sure you'd accept so went with the anniversary option?

The OP wanted to stay in A). They wanted her to stay in B with everyone else, and guilt tripped her into it by saying it was an anniversary present. It later turns out it wasn't. Of course it was nice of them to pay, but if being in A suited the OP better why wouldn't they pay for her to stay there instead, if it was about doing a nice thing?

They sound awful

I don't understand why you didn't stay where was most convenient for you. I think you chose the option where they were paying even though it was less convenient, so deal with the choice you made. Whether they paid for the others too is irrelevant.

Thanks all and for the flowers too :)

flower - I think u are right. They know the relationship is strained and prob thought they can get me to accept this way.

Stairs- yes the room is more like the straw that broke the camels back! It’s about dealing with a difficult relationship where communication is poor. Thank you! I have been focusing on the room thing all day which isn’t the real question to deal with. I think I will disengage for a bit as if I bring this up it will end up ugly.

This is now in the past so there is nothing you can do now.

However you always have the right to say no thank you even if something is presented as a gift. So if with hindsight (which is always 20/20) you would have still preferred to have to have stay at the venue as it would have been easier for you, then use this example as a confident booster to say (& repeatedly say) “No thank you”.

I personally hate it when people try to guilt you into doing something which basically suits them and not you. Afraid only with age and experience have I learnt to say no.